To Be Fair, He Had Two Noses

Story Submitted by Gary:

Back in college, a friend introduced me to Sarah, a bright and attractive physics major.  Sarah and I fell into the habit of calling each other often, and it wasn't long before I asked her out on a date.

She said, "Meet me at my dorm room, and we'll head out from there.  You can let yourself in."

I did, although I arrived a bit early.  She was still readying in the bathroom, so I called a greeting to her, then sat on a couch in the suite's common area.

A blonde girl, who I guessed to be her roommate, Anna, walked into the room and froze when she saw me.  I introduced myself and explained that I was waiting for Sarah to come out of the bathroom.

Anna walked over to me and whispered, dead serious, "Get out of here while you have the chance.  She has a different guy over every night, and the sex never stops.  It just never stops!"

Articulate as ever, I replied, "Uh..."

Anna went on, "It always goes!  It never stops!  Two a.m., midnight, five a.m., it doesn't matter!  Sex, sex, sex!  That's all she ever has!  It never, ever stops!"

"I appreciate it," I said, "But I'll take my chances."

"Last night," Anna said, her voice lowering, "She had a guy in here with two mustaches."  She tapped the area under the bridge of her nose.  "This area was blank, but he had a mustache on either side."


"Two mustaches.  And the sex didn't stop."  She looked over her shoulder, mumbled, "Gotta go," and left the room, presumably for her own bedroom.

I was left alone with my bewildered thoughts for a little bit longer before Sarah emerged from the bathroom, gave me a hug, and we left for dinner together.

We had a nice meal, and had a couple of drinks each.  After I had settled up the bill, I asked her, "So, do you know a guy with two mustaches?"

Sarah burst out laughing and said, "That's Anna's boyfriend, Reggie.  Did you see a picture of them together or something?"

Tipsy and stupid, I said, "Anna told me that you were seeing a guy with two mustaches."

Sarah replied, "That's Reggie, and I'll tell you something else: when those two have sex, it's louder than a monster truck rally.  She told you that I was seeing him?  That bitch!"

Sarah stood up and left.  I followed her, mostly to ensure that she made it back to her dorm safely.  I planned to walk her to her room, then call it a night.

She didn't seem to notice me as she strode into her dorm, stumbled to her room, and banged on Anna's closed bedroom door.  She called, "Anna?  Don't tell my dates that I'm fucking Reggie.  I'm not!  Anna?  You there?"

After about a minute of this, Reggie himself opened the door.  Indeed, he had two mustaches.  He glanced at me, then looked at Sarah and said, "I think it's time for bed, Sarah dear."  He said to me, "I got her from here."

I asked Sarah, "You going to be all right?"

She nodded and said, "Yeah, this happens all the time.  Goodnight, Larry."



She slipped into her bedroom and closed the door.  I gave Reggie a very uncomfortable look, then left.  I didn't ask her out on another date after that, although we hung out once or twice.  She was just too off the wall for me.


  1. Dude, I think you got freemealed.

  2. ^ If so, that's one hell of a system they've got worked out.

  3. I guess none of them considered that it was just one mustache shaved down the middle...

  4. ^If he had done the opposite. Rather, shaved the two ends of the mustache and let the middle grow, then we'd have a Hitlerstache!


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