An Autographed, First Edition of Leaves of Grass?

Story Submitted by Deanna:

Daniel is the reason why I no longer keep an online profile.  He wrote me online, I wrote back, and so began a correspondence that lasted about two and a half weeks before he asked me out to dinner.  I felt comfortable enough with him to accept, and he seemed as normal as normal could be.

He picked out a restaurant at which to meet, and I arrived there right on time.  Not long after, he texted me: "I have surprises for you."

I wrote back, "Thanks.  Where are you?"

He replied, "My car.  I'm parked across the street from the restaurant."

I went outside and found him sitting in his sedan.  He said, "Come on in.  It won't take more then a minute."

I climbed into the passenger side, closed the door, and he said, "I have two surprises for you, tonight.  The first..."  He unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and balls, shook them, and yelled, "Wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh..." with every shake.

I screamed and jumped out of the car, not even bothering to close it behind me.

"What?" he yelled after me, "What's wrong?"

I made it back to my car, my mind still saturated with the image of his jiggling man-flesh.  On my way home, he texted, "Where'd you go?  I have a second surprise for you."

I didn't go back, and I don't even want to know what the second surprise was.  Maybe you have some theories?


  1. Oh he sounds delightful. You had a lucky escape there.
    Online dating is fine don't be put off, just don't get in a guys car until you get to know them better.

  2. Jared, the title is sublime.

  3. "my mind still saturated with the image of his jiggling man-flesh"

    There is no part of that sentence I want to be a part of. Maybe Howie has a different opinion?

  4. I'm guessing the second surprise was rape?

  5. TO THE MEN: Just because you like to look at our genitals does not mean we like to look at yours! Seriously, has anyone ever seen a magazine called "Balls Illustrated" or "Wieners Today"?

  6. ^^^No sir....Howie shuddered at that sentence as well.
    I'm guessing his second surprise was a rom-com movie and dinner?

  7. Next words out of his mouth:

    "I just got these yesterday! Did I mention I used to be Danielle?"

  8. This is one of those "What the hell did he THINK would happen?" stories.

    I mean, I can't imagine anyone with an IQ above 15 who would think that would go over well in the first minute of a first date. Possible realistic scenarios range from getting punched in the crotch to spending time in jail. And yet, somehow, he thought it was a good idea.

  9. He unzipped his pants, freed his "man-flesh", and yelled, "Wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh..." with every shake.

    THEN you screamed and jumped out of the car? What was the scream for? The shock of hearing the fifth "wuh" and about 10 seconds of viewing his penis were suddenly too much?

  10. ^ I sincerely doubt it took him 10 seconds to say "wuh" 5 times. More like 1 or 2 seconds.

  11. My guess: The Lindbergh Baby.

  12. "my mind still saturated with the image of his jiggling man-flesh"

    And now I need to clean coffee off of my keyboard. I wonder what the second surprise was.

  13. @Baku-chan - I think it took him 10 seconds because he was probably doing that theme music from 1001: A Space Odyssey. You know that scene, where the monkeys discover the Space Monolith that evolves them? And the music gets all dramatic: "Wa... wa.... wa! Wa Wa!"

  14. Ahh typo, I meant 2001

  15. ^ I haven't seen that movie, but you've got me curious...


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