Stomach Ache? Blame This Woman.

Story Submitted by Ted:

I met Alyssa at a tasting at a local wine shop. She had a great smile and was the only other person there who was around my age, so it was pretty easy to bond.

We went on a date to a community theatre performance and then to dinner. We were having a pleasant time at dinner when she received a text.

"Crap," she said, checking her phone screen, "My best friend has a migraine."

I said, "I'm sorry to hear. I hope that she feels better."

"She's psychic," Alyssa went on, "And she gets them when something big is about to happen."

"I see."

A moment later, Alyssa received another text. She read it and said, "This is weird," she looked up at me, "She said it concerns you. She's seeing your image."

I'm not the brightest guy, but I know when I'm being played. I asked, "Is this your way of saying that we should just be friends?"

She said, "No! I'm serious!" She showed me the texts, which said exactly what she had just read to me.

I said, "Weird. Does she say that I'm going to enjoy my dinner?"

Alyssa shook her head gravely. "It always means trouble."

Another text arrived. Alyssa read it and said, "She says that she has a migraine because you're sending her bad energy."

I replied, "I've never even met her before. Why would I send her bad energy."

"It's not always conscious," Alyssa explained, "I don't know how it works, but she's in a lot of pain so you should stop."

"How do I stop if it's not conscious?"

She texted her friend that question. Her friend texted back, "Tell him to think of a pleasant memory."

To test it out, I thought of an unpleasant memory, and when Alyssa asked, I told her that I was thinking about my college graduation (which was not the memory of which I was thinking).

Her friend texted her and said, "I feel a bit better."

Alyssa thanked me. I told her, "Weird that that worked. I actually thought of a bad memory to see if your friend was full of it or not. Guess we have the answer."

Alyssa asked, "You actually thought of something bad? You could have killed her! You think this is a joke?"

I said, "'Bad energy?' A migraine cured because I think happy thoughts? Yeah. I kind of do think that."

Alyssa said, "This isn't going to work."

I held my stomach and said, "Ow! Your bad energy is giving me gas. Quit it."

Alyssa rolled her eyes. "Okay, that's enough," she muttered.

Since then, I've tried to use my migraine-causing superpower multiple times on other people, but I guess it's only good on one person. Alyssa's the blessed one, though. Everyone gets gas.


  1. Can you add an option to 'dislike' comments?

  2. Kat: At some point, mocking is not only appropriate but called for. When someone accuses you of psychically giving their friend a migraine, you are obligated to call them on their bullshit.

  3. ^ agreed...Maybe the psychic KNEW you were thinking bad thoughts while you were telling her you were thinking good thoughts...so she only felt slightly better.

  4. Well played OP, you were correct to call her bullshit. What's so douchebag about calling nutters on their hearsay? Would it be a douchebag move to also mock the 9-11 conspiracy theory crowd, the terrorist sympathizers, and the holocaust deniers?

  5. Mocking religious beliefs is assholish. Mocking beliefs which can be *empirically proven to be incorrect*, as OP did, is just funny.

  6. ^Therefore mocking religious beliefs is hilarious.*

    *See FSM.

  7. Arthur summed it up nicely.


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