Calling it Short

Story Submitted by Courtney:

Bill emailed me and I checked out his profile.  He seemed like an interesting guy who, according to his stats, was 5'10".  I couldn't tell from his medium-shot, low-angle photos, but he certainly could have been.  Not that height's a big deal to me either way, but it's a key fact, here.

We set up a lunch date at a local restaurant and he said that he'd meet me inside.  I arrived there and saw him sitting at a table, next to a suitcase.  I sat across from him and we had a good chat over lunch.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until the meal was over and I stood up.

He said, "Wait a sec," then shifted over in his seat and became noticeably shorter.  He pulled a phone book out from where he had been sitting, opened his suitcase, put it inside, then pulled out two smaller but still thick phone books, each of them tied shut with brown ribbon.  He then tied one each to his shoes, then closed his suitcase and stood up, standing at roughly 5'10".

"Ready?" he asked as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about tying phone books to his feet and walking around that way.  He caught me staring at his feet and he asked, "What is it?"

I asked, "Phone books?"

He said, "My orthopedist recommended it.  Ready to go?"

Without the phone books on his feet, he must have been about 5'4" or 5'5".  Clearly, he had used his phone book-enhanced height on his profile, rather than his actual height.

I waited until we were outside, him clop-clopping behind me, before I asked, "Your orthopedist wants you taller?"

He frowned and said, "My orthopedist said it would be good for my posture.  I'm already tall."

"You were sitting on one in the restaurant.  Your orthopedist recommended that, too?"

He groaned.  "Yes.  Want to get ice cream?"

He led me to an ice cream place down the block, but he tired out after a little bit and had to rest.  I asked him, "How long does your orthopedist say you have to wear them?"

He asked, "Are you my mother?  For as long as it takes!"  It was clearly a sore subject for him, and he gave me more and more dirty looks as the silent minutes ticked by.

We eventually enjoyed our ice cream and I bid him goodbye shortly after.  Last I checked on his profile, his height had been revised to six feet even.  I guess his posture's really improving.  Or he's found some thicker phone books.


  1. Guess he's hoping platform shoes come back

  2. And then they always think the date doesn't work because of their height, not because of their lies.

  3. I thought with phone books you were supposed to let your 'fingers do the walking'?

  4. A while back, a bunch of phone books were delivered to my apartment building and I wondered: Who the hell still uses paper phone books in the age of the Internet? Well, now I know. Thanks for clearing up that mystery.

  5. This story is just sauteed in awesome. With a sprig of hilarity.


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