How Planet Racism Starts

Story Submitted by Ted:

Amy and I met via a popular dating site. She was extremely extroverted and had a very distinctive personality. In one of my first messages to her, I asked her where she was from, and she replied, "Ohio's where I grew up, but I'm originally from somewhere else. I don't think I'm allowed to tell you where."

I thought it was just Amy being Amy, and we ended up on a date together at a sidewalk cafe overlooking a river. It was a warm night, and we had a good discussion until somehow or other, we made it back to the topic of origins.

I asked her, "What was it like to grow up in Ohio?"

She replied, "It wasn't so bad," then she leaned in and said, "But truth be told, I'm not really an earthling."

"Come again?"

She said, "I was looking through some old papers, and I found my actual birth certificate. It was printed on red paper and in a language I didn't understand. I brought it to a college professor of mine who specialized in languages, and she said that it was Martian."


"You know, from Mars? I'm not of planet Earth, technically. I'm an alien."

I laughed at the joke, but she said, "I'm actually dead serious."

I said, "And how did your parents make it to Mars to copulate in the first place?"

She said, "You don't have to believe me. I know the truth. I was born on Mars. I'm a Martian citizen."


"I'm a Martian citizen."

"Okay. So, tell me about the research work you do."

"I'm a Martian citizen, Ted!"

"I believe you. You're also a writer, aren't you? Tell me more about that."

"I'm a Martian. I'm a Martian."

I said nothing more. She tilted her head down and stared at me for a while, letting what sounded like a short laugh out every few moments.

Finally, she said, "That does it. You fail. And I need to feed," then stood, drank all of her water down, and left. She had eaten most of the salad that was in front of her, and so my only guess is that it was a Martian thing.


  1. Well they say there's no sign of *intelligent* life on Mars...

  2. When an academic who knows Martian certifies you, you're golden.

  3. Yeah, Martian 101 is a popular elective linguistics course.

    Tho there's a bit of an intra-faculty tusssle about whether Klingon should be taught under 'Extraterrestrial' (Martianites say it's not really extraterrestrial), or 'Film Studies' (Klingonites say it's specist and demeaning).


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