Cereal Killer

Story Submitted by Daniel:

Avril and I met in high school.  She was pretty, a friend of a friend of mine who lived a couple of towns away.  We made plans to meet in a park on a Saturday.  When we did, she showed up with a box of corn flakes.

I pointed to it and asked, "Went shopping?"

She said, "No.  They're for us."

I smiled, not really understanding.  "We're eating corn flakes?"

She said, "Every time one of us says something corny, he has to eat a handful of corn flakes."

I asked, "What if I like corn flakes?"

She opened the box and held it out to me.  I grabbed a handful and ate them.  She said, "The point is to not eat corn flakes, though.  I don't like corny."

"But do you like cheesy?"  She frowned and handed me the box again, and I took some more corn flakes.  I said, "This is very unusual.  Memorable, even.  Would you say that it's a walk to remember?  Heh."

She rolled her eyes and said, "Okay.  That's enough.  One more handful and then stop it.  You're reminding me of my dad."

"Is he also a handsome and clever guy?"

She groaned and said, "Have more."

I handed the box back to her.  "No thanks, I'm good."

She pushed the box back at me and said, "That's not how it works.  You need to eat them every time you say something corny."

I said, "I don't really want to, anymore."

"That's the point."

I replied, "Isn't bringing a box of corn flakes on a date for such a purpose kind of corny, itself?"

She growled at me, then said, "No!  And stop being corny!"

I said, "I'm not!  I just pointed out a fact."

"It's not a fact!  Shut up!  Stop being corny!"

"I'm not!  What are you talking about?"

She threw the cereal box down on the ground and yelled, "You're being corny!  Stop it!"

"What are you talking about?"

She screamed at the top of her lungs, then stared bloody murder at me and flared her nostrils.  I stepped away from the crazy woman and said, "Okay, I'm going to head out."

"Take your fucking corn flakes!  Hey!  Hey!" she called after me, but there was no way I was turning around for anything, not even for cereal.


  1. This is what happens when you don't react in the proper way to a crazy girl's "clever" idea. They get angry because you're doing it wrong.

  2. ...should have brought your own box of Froot Loops...or given her some Sugar Smacks!

  3. The scariest thing is that, upon reading her name, I immediately couldn't picture anything but Avril Lavigne...and having her shove cornflakes in someone's face and flare her nostrils is downright terrifying.

  4. ^ Heh, I had this same image.

  5. Reminds me of that scene from The Princess Bride. "You keep saying that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."

    Well, she was right to begin with, but how was he being corny later? Corny = not what she wants him to say?


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