What This Country Stands For

Story Submitted by Alexandra:

Julian had a curious hobby that he only vaguely hinted at when we first started talking. He adored U.S. Presidential history and did a lot of research as to the biography of each one.

At dinner, he wouldn't shut up about it. I'm all for exploring mutual interests, but the only interest we explored was his. Every time I tried to change the subject, he'd force us right back to talking about the presidents.

Finally, I asked him point blank, "Can we stop talking about presidential history?"

He replied by taking out a pen and scribbling something unintelligible on his paper napkin. He passed it over to me as if he had just won a medal.

"I don't get it," I said.

He rolled his eyes and said, "Don't be thick. Read it."

I thought that I could make out a couple of letters, but otherwise nothing. He spun it around to face himself and said, "Washington. This is George Washington's signature."


"It's the spitting image. I can sell this for a fortune."

"The napkin has a beer logo on it," I pointed out, "Would that add to your asking price?"

He wrote three other names on the napkin: apparently the autographs of John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe. "If I got a hold of some ancient parchment, I can make a mint. You really should stick with me."

I laughed and told him, "I think that an authenticator can easily spot a forgery."

He raised his voice. "These aren't forgeries! They're the real thing! I guarantee that no one can tell the difference!"

"So how many have you sold so far?"

"None. I'm perfecting the signers of the declaration. Once I have them all down, I'll move on to the constitution, and then I'll be ready. It's an art."

He went on for a bit about James Polk and Andrew Jackson before the bill came. He paid for the meal using a credit card, and when the receipt came back for him to sign, sure enough, he signed it like George Washington.

He obviously knew a lot about history. However, over the entire course of the date, I don't remember him asking me a single thing about myself.

After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to see him sign the name of every President up to and including Obama. I told him that I'd pass, and that I was ready to go home.  He said, "You'll regret it when you see me making money hand over fist from my autographs."

Still waiting on that.


  1. Firstly, no one is going to believe that the REAL presidents signed any of the crap that this guy could possibly sign.

    And if I wanted a fake signature printed on something, I could look one up and do it myself.

    This guy is just desperately trying to justify a stupid hobby.

  2. Good thing she didn't continue with him. He'd probably start forging her name on bad checks.

  3. "These aren't forgeries! They're the real thing?" Oh really? He's actually George Washington? Probably looked pretty good for a guy who's been dead for over 200 years.


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