Not All Birthday Surprises Are Pleasant

Story Submitted by Mina:

It was around my birthday when I started dating Don. He was chivalrous, polite, and a very handsome guy. He also happened to be between jobs, but he claimed to be looking for one, and so I was morally supportive.

We had been on a few dates when my birthday week rolled around. My friends and family called me up and a few had asked me if I had received their birthday cards in the mail. I hadn't received any cards in the mail, which was unusual. The mail came every day, around the same time, while I was at work. Still, no cards. I didn't worry too much about it at the time.

It wasn't until after my birthday that I became concerned. People had sent me birthday gifts through the mail, like gift cards, cash, and checks, and I had received none of them.

I told Don about it and he was sympathetic. He suggested that someone was stealing the cards from my mail, and he asked me if I was expecting any other birthday mailings.

I wasn't, but after Don and I parted ways, I had an idea. I wrote up a card and mailed it to myself. Over the next couple of days, I requested a late lunch break at work and hightailed it home to keep watch from the side of my house.

The second day out, the mail was delivered more or less on time, and as I watched, a car I didn't recognize pulled up, Don stepped out of it, put on a pair of sunglasses, and went through my mail, right there in broad daylight. He pulled out my birthday card to myself and carried it back to his car.

"Hey," I said, from behind him, catching up, "What are you doing?"

Oh, the look on his face! He said, "I was... I wanted to trick the person who's been stealing your—"

I reached out my hand. "I'll take that back," I said, "And I want all my other birthday cards back, too."

He handed me my card back and said, "I don't have them. I didn't take them to begin with."

"How did you know where I lived?" I asked him, as I had never told him.

"The Internet," he said, "I swear, I was planning to trick the person who was really stealing your mail, I—"

"The person who happened to know that it was my birthday," I said, "Right. May I ask what your plan was, after stealing this card? What was your next step to catch the 'thief'?"

He said, "I was going to come back and... leave it... uh, see you around." He jumped into his car and sped off.

The next morning, I woke up to find a small pile of checks, twenties, and a couple of gift cards under a decorative jug I had on the porch. A note that read, "Sorry. I wouldn't blame you for not speaking to me ever again," accompanied them.

I'm delighted to hear it, Don.


  1. Stealing mail is a federal offense. He should be incredibly thankful that you were kind enough not to press charges.

    Also, this is why my last house had a mail slot in the door and my current house has a locking mailbox. Just saying, you could make an investment in some security measures.

    I'm also jealous you still get birthday checks as an adult.

  2. Jesus, I would have still reported it, who knows what he decided to keep.

  3. At times like this I'm glad I'm English, Pretty much all houses have letter boxes in the doors!

  4. Agnes, *I* get birthday checks in the mail! Rich asshole uncle trying to buy my love FTW!

    Error: TOTES a new low on this site. We finally have something that beats out that almost-sacrifice!


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