The Lady and the Pigeons Should Be Friends

Story Submitted by Chris:

Malia and I were walking together through Central Park in Manhattan on one of the first warm days of the year. We had planned to walk from the east side to the west side and have dinner.

We came upon an elderly couple, who sat on a bench and fed pigeons. Malia broke away from me and chased the pigeons off. The elderly couple scolded her, and she flapped her arms and squawked at them.

She then returned to me and asked, "What were we saying?"

Thinking her weird, we walked on and I didn't mention the pigeon incident. Not too far ahead, we saw another flock, walking across the path. She tore away, ran at them, and chased them off.

"Why do you chase pigeons?" I asked her.

She said, "Because it's fun."

On we went, and I hoped that we'd encounter no further fowl. Unfortunately, we came upon a grove where a mass of birds fluttered in the trees and strutted about. She leapt over a low rail and ran at them. They all flew high into the trees, and she screamed upward.

I didn't follow her, but I watched from the path as she flailed her arms and wiped something off her her face and blouse.

She returned to me covered in pigeon shit. She asked, "What the fuck was their problem?"

We ended the date early, and I promised to call her. I didn't.


  1. She should be embarrassed of herself. I mean, the one time would have been playful, even though it was rude to the couple. Everything after that was just rude to her date. And gross. Those things are flying rats.

  2. The first one likes to chase the birds, the other likes to drops the turds, but that's no reason why they cain't be fri-ends.

  3. She sounds like a looney-bird.

    Though clearly, if you wanted to get rid of her, you shouldn't have told her you'd call her. You should have just done your best pigeon immitation.

  4. One flew over the pigeon's nest...

  5. @Error
    Doves are just white pigeons, but you never hear anyone complain about them...

  6. That's because doves are as pure as a virgin on her wedding night and represent the soul as it ascends up to Gods loving arms.

    I wish you could hear me laughing as I wrote that.

    Doves are flying rats as well. They coo coo coo all day long in the trees and bathe in my pool, the filthy little creatures. Feel better now?

    I was actually thinking about city pigeons. They are dirty little scavengers and look like pirate bums after awhile.

  7. Sounds like she'd get along great with Tom Lehrer.

  8. Scaring animals for kicks makes you a jerk in my book. It's different when, say, a stray cat is a little too close and you're scared/allergic, but to go out of your way to run them off is just mean.


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