Big Appendages != Big Brains

Story Submitted by Olivia:

I was out on my first date with Dave at a small restaurant when he leaned across the table and asked me, "Do you know who founded Rome, according to mythology?"

I said, "Aeneas, survivor of the Trojan War."

He seemed genuinely shocked that I knew that. I smiled and said, "I read sometimes."

He was quick to recover. "I'm sure you do, I just—wow, okay."

Then began a curious pattern of him testing me on a variety of subjects. He asked, "What are the three basic types of rocks?" "Who is America named after?" and "Where's the oldest tree in the world located?"

After about five of these questions, I had to stop him. "Is this Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader or a date?"

He grinned and said, "There's an exception to every rule, I guess."

"What do you mean?"

He leaned in close and said, "You have big tits."

My breath caught in my throat. I didn't know how to react, so I waited for him to finish. He said, "But you're so smart. Usually it's small-titted women who are smarter. More brain, less tits. Fewer brains, more tits, except in your case! You've got them both!"

I said, "I don't think breast size is at all correlated to brain size. You're stereotyping."

He said, "I just paid you a compliment. You're smart and you have huge tits."

I said, "By your logic, you must have a small penis."

Now it was his turn to be surprised. He said, "That's not how it works."

I lied, "I read an article just last year in the Journal of the American Medical Association that guys with big brains are usually less-endowed. Something about blood flow."

He glanced down into his lap and said, "I've got a huge dick. I've got no problem showing you."

"I guess you're an exception, too, then," I said as if I didn't believe him.

"I've got a huge dick," he said a bit louder, then again for emphasis, "My dick and balls are enormous."

"I'll take your word for it."

"You don't have to."

"I will."

"I'm smart and I've got a huge dick."

It was my own fault for stoking him on, but it was fun to see such an ignorant, smarmy guy on the defensive. Finally, he said, "I bet you just read a lot of books before going out with me tonight. You're probably not really smart at all. You're just a dumb slut like the rest of them."

I smiled and said, "Oh, I'm smart. Want me to prove it? I'll be right back. I have something to show you."

I left and didn't return. Maybe he's still waiting there. Idiot.


  1. Haha, nice move.

    But in point of fact, according to myth the twin founders of Rome are Romulus and Remus, descendants of Aeneas.

  2. I'd have told him to prove it. Let him whip it out at the restaurant in front of everybody, then I'd leave.

  3. I like witty women, such as this one.

  4. I love how these guys get so defensive about their dicks, as if they're their children or something.

  5. A truly smart guy would never have made that tits comment. Or if he had, he would've clearly meant it like a joke, so that even if she did find the comment a bit outrageous, he could play this to his advantage.

    Insecure types are always very humorless and touchy.

  6. Witty women like this are awesome! I would totally go on a blind date with this girl based solely on how cleverly she handled this. Well, that and the fact that apparently she has nice breasts.

  7. Can I use this in a book I'm writing? It would really fit my character.

  8. Dammit, bizzaro-world Nikki! Stop stealing my name/thunder! At least don't use a super-cute picture of my niece wearing sunglasses as your user profile, or the only way people will tell us apart is my overuse of the word "cunt" in reference to bad dates.

  9. So am I allowed to use a part of this tale in my book or not? I seriously would like to know.

  10. @Nikki -

    You'd have to take that up with the original poster, as this story, expressed on this site, is their intellectual property. I can forward your request to her if you send it to me in writing: abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.


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