Next to Godliness. And Craziness.

Story Submitted by Harrison:

Ariana and I visited a farmers' market with the intent to buy a few things and go for a picnic. She wasn't as talkative in person as she had been online, but I did my best to chat her up and make her feel comfortable.

We happened upon an apple vendor, and I asked Ariana if she wanted an apple. She said that she did, and I bought two, handing one to her. Then, she did something I didn't expect.

She took out a tube of hand sanitizer and rubbed it onto her hands, then the apple, then her lips. She then took a bite out of the apple.

I asked her, "Seriously? On your lips? And the apple?"

She said, "It kills germs."

"But you shouldn't eat it."

She asked, "You'd rather eat germs?"

I said, "I think that some germs are okay to ingest."

She took me aside and said, "That vendor could've gone to the bathroom and not cleaned her hands. You'd take that chance?"

"You know a lot of people who've contracted salmonella from an apple?"

"Why take a chance?"

"Because life means taking chances." It was a silly thing to say, but I thought that it was true. Did she honestly smear this glop all over her foods? If I was to kiss her, would she pour some into my mouth and rub it in?

"Probably," she said, "But you'd have to rub it in yourself. And you could spit after. Best not to swallow too much of it."

I hurried us through the date and the picnic. She rubbed sanitizer over everything that she ate, and I can't imagine that it tasted very good. She might have been a nice (albeit quiet) girl other than this, but for me, it was a deal-breaker.


  1. A quick scan of the intarwebs seems to reveal that it's okay (more or less) to ingest a little bit of hand sanitizer, but you shouldn't give it to kids b/c the alcohol content in it will fuck them up.

  2. HA! So she was a hand sanitizer drunk!

    He could have gotten a nice handy J with that stuff, it's totally like lube, at first.

  3. Sounds like she has severe OCD. I bet she washes her hands constantly too.

  4. @Nikki, I read an article about that. Kids drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk at school. And I'm talking elementary school. Apparently you drink it like a shot and it burns like hell.

  5. Mediator: yeah, one of the articles I read said that to a kid, a small bottle of the stuff is equivalent to about four shots of vodka.

    Crazy kids...always finding new ways to get fucked up on normal things.

  6. Seems like kids will find a way to get high on anything. When I was a kid, it was sniffing dry-erase markers.


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