"Hole in One"

Story Submitted by Louise:

Eddie took me out to a driving range on our first date.  My first hint that something wasn't quite right with him was when we were at the shack, picking up our putters and golf balls.

The clerk handed me a pink ball and a putter, and Eddie was handed a white ball and a putter.

Eddie put his golf ball down on the counter and said, "Uh, no.  You'll give me a colored ball, too."

The clerk took the white ball back and replaced it with a red one.  Eddie handed it back.  "I want a blue one."

The clerk handed him a blue one.  Eddie knelt on the ground and checked his putter.  He handed it back to the clerk.

"This one's warped.  Can I have another?"

The clerk handed him another putter.  Eddie checked it and handed it back to the clerk.  "This one's warped, too."

I said to Eddie, "Want to use mine?  I don't think it's warped."

He glanced at mine without touching it and said, "Yours is warped, too," then asked the attendant, "Are all of your putters warped?"

The clerk said, "We just have what we have here, sir."

Eddie replied, "All that you have are warped putters.  I'd like a discount."

The clerk sighed, "I can give you three dollars off."

Eddie winked at me.  "Make it five."

"Three dollars, sir."



"Fine, three."

Eddie winked at me again as the clerk handed him his three dollars back.  I rolled my eyes.

"What?" Eddie asked, "What was that for?  I just saved three dollars.  'Good job, Eddie!'"

I said, "Good job, Eddie.  Can we play, now?"

He shook his head and stepped out to the course.  "I saved some money and you have a fucking problem with it.  Great."

It was an awkward hour of play, to say the least.  He insisted on keeping score, but I kept a tally in my head.

At the end of the match, I had beaten him by 10 strokes.  But amazingly, when he added up his own scorecard, he had beaten me – by 11.

"Better luck next time," he beamed.

I looked at the card and said, "I guess that cheaters sometimes win."

He ripped the card away and tore it into pieces.  He then threw his putter on the ground, walked back to the parking lot, and drove away, without me.

I returned the putters and balls to the clerk, who had witnessed Eddie's outburst.  He said, "With all due respect, what an asshole."

"Hole in one," I replied.


  1. So much for the dashing dates of yore.

    Cheating at mini-golf? That's low.

  2. My favorite part was when Louise and the clerk had sex.

  3. Yeah, I liked it when the clerk sunk his in the brown hole and was amazed when it came out white!

  4. ^ Correct, sir

  5. Yeah...even I think so and I'm one!

  6. The guy was a douche, but so are you if you really responded "Hole in one" to the clerk at the end. Ugh, what is this, some cheezy, horseshit sitcom on the WB or Disney Channel?

  7. If she really said it, I thought it was clever, especially if it helped her feel better after such a negative experience.

    Also, I don't think that Disney would allow "I saved some money and you have a fucking problem with it" on their channel. Maybe on Teen Disney?

  8. Nah, I think it's still uber-douchey. I can picture it now on some teenie-bopper kid show:

    Female lead on a date with a real creeper, then the jerk leaves in a jerky fashion.

    Clerk says, "that guy was a real jerk!"

    Female looks into the camera, shrugs her shoulders, and says, "Hole in one!"

    Cue bullshit laugh track. End scene.

  9. ^ I can see that happening on that stupid show my sister watches. I think it's called "iCarly". Makes me want to puke.


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