How to Greatly Upset a Gnome

Story Submitted by Bryan:

In college, I was on stage crew for my college's theater productions, and Peggy was a lead singer in an autumn opera.

She was very short and had an astonishing voice.  The director said that she had cried when she first heard Peggy sing, and to be honest, I believed her.

At the end of one rehearsal, I approached Peggy and told her how much I liked her singing.  She glanced up at me and then looked back down at her music without a word.

I wasn't sure how to take it until two days later when she came up to me during practice and said, "I'm sorry about the other day.  It's the stress."  I offered to take her out that night for dinner and drinks.

She said, "I have a better idea.  Meet me in the quad after rehearsal."

Rehearsal ended at 8pm, and I met with Peggy as planned.  "What's your idea?" I asked her.

She said, "Are you going to be cool?  I saw this in a movie once, but I need to make sure that you're going to be cool."

I pressed her for more information, and she said, "I'll just show you."

She led me into the surrounding neighborhood and looked at each house as we passed it.  She went up the front walk of one, and a light went on.  She ran back to me and pulled me further down the sidewalk.

Finally, we reached a house surrounded by a chain-link fence that had a lawn gnome near the porch.  She pointed and asked me to urinate on it.

I refused.  She cajoled me, saying how funny it would be.  I said, "It's against my principles."

She begged me to do it for another couple of minutes, and when it was clear to her that I wasn't going to budge, she scaled the fence herself, grabbed the gnome, and ran around the corner of the house with it, out of view.

Peggy emerged a couple of minutes later and joined me on the legal side of the fence.

"Did you pee on it?" I asked her.

She gave me a big smile and nod.  She said, "When they pick it up in the morning, they'll be touching my pee."

"All right, then."

I walked us back to campus, we parted ways, and I never asked her out again.


  1. Where was this? The gnomes I know would've messed her up.

  2. Apparently it's not over until the fat lady pees.

  3. That is just weird. Who does stuff like that? I never understand when people like that get all excited about doing idiotic stuff like that.

  4. I did plenty of shit like this with my friends - in High School. Hide the Dookie was a party favorite. And we were always stealing stupid shit off the neighbors porches and making off with bundles of roses from their bushes. We were 16 and generally drunk or high, not 21 and sober.

  5. Maybe I don't know much about lawn gnomes, but why would they pick it up in the morning? I thought you just left them sitting in the flower-bed, not moved them around each day...

  6. ^ I'm guessing that she didn't neatly put it back in the flower-bed where she found it.

  7. I hope she put it in a lewd position somewhere.


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