Grown Ups

Story Submitted by April:

Colin and I met in kindergarten and we went to elementary school together until his family moved away in seventh grade.  He was always very special to me because I used to be one of the fat girls in the class, and he was one of my only friends back then.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet, I found him about a year ago and wouldn't you know it, he lived relatively close by!  Throw the fact that he had grown into an attractive man and the fact that he wasn't married into the mix, and you had a recipe for something potentially special.

The first thing he said to me when we met up was, "Damn, you look good."  He was taller than I had remembered, and was in a suit.  He was an attorney now, and was working in a practice.

He took me to an extremely ritzy restaurant, ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and pointed out items on the menu that he recommended, all vegetarian things.

I asked, "How's the chicken in champagne sauce?"

He said, "You don't want that.  Don't want to get fat again."

I thought I had misheard him.  I must have.  I asked, "Come again?"

He stared at me for an uncomfortable few moments, then smiled and brushed it off, "I was just kidding."

I took my prior weight problems with a healthy dose of good humor, but he hadn't said it in a "kidding" way.  Still, everything else about him was great.  What if I had just misread his intent?  The wine came and he poured it for us.

After a few minutes, though, it became clear that he seemed pretty intent on discussing my body.  He asked me how I had lost my weight, if everyone asked me if I had liposuction (I hadn't - I'm all diet and exercise), if I felt that my personality had changed as a result of not being fat anymore... it was non-stop and a little overboard.

Finally, I asked him, "Can we talk about something else?"

He said, "If we have kids, they'll get the fat gene from you.  It's inherited through the mother."

I didn't say anything.

He nailed his coffin shut by taking some of my wine and pouring it into his own glass.  "Alcohol makes you fat," he said.  Then, in response to my stare, he said, "What?  I'm helping you."

Selecting my words carefully, I said, "I think we should talk about something else."

He said, "I'm paying for dinner," which made no sense.  Because you're paying for dinner, I have to sit here and listen to your repeated attempts to be offensive?

It was a shame that a guy I had such fond memories of and who had grown into some sort of success had become such an asshole.  I gave him one more chance, and poured the wine he had taken from me back into my glass, with the intent of changing the subject right after.

He took my glass and spat in it, then swirled it around.  That was all I needed.  I left then and there.  Let someone else put up with his antics.  At least some of us have grown up since kindergarten.


  1. With arguments like that, one must wonder at how he performs in the courtroom.

  2. I'm not going to go there.

    Good for you though for leaving the restaurant. If some dude spit in my wine glass, he'd leave with a lap full of expensive wine.

  3. What an @$$hat! He deserves a good swift kick in the "lowers."

    Error, Colin didn't behave like that because he's a lawyer. He behaved like that because he's an @$$hat. Doesn't matter if he's a lawyer or if he works at a fast-food company. An @$$hat is an @$$hat

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  5. He spat...in your wine...

    I would have exploded. The ground would have trembled, and his fucking face would have melted off. That is how pissed off that would have made me.

  6. I was going to say I would have thrown the wine in his face, but there are so many more creative suggestions here that my original idea seems boring. I especially agree with Thespi Anne.

  7. Yes Sparkina, moslty agreed. Except that an asshat (you can actually say that here, this is not a G rated site) that works in a fast food restaurant is not going to take you to a ritzy restaurant and order expensive wine to spit in.

    Having a foot in the door to this world (a father who is the head asshat attorney to a few hundred other asshat attorneys) and witnessing these douches in their natural habitat (a swanky bar), I still say this guy is a stereotypical young male attorney.

  8. This post reminds me of the Ravens - Dolphins game last Sunday where Raven Le'Ron McClain allegedly spit in the face of some candy-ass defensive guy on the Dolphins. There was no evidence that McClain did it, and he said that he's not the type of guy to do that, but the candy-ass declared that if the Raven ever showed his face in Miami, candy-ass would "take care of him like a man."

    It seems like we can all agree that spitting is one of the ruddest things you can do to another person.


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