Dinner for One

Submitted by Tim:

Rachel was an elementary school teacher whose profile I found online.  She was really attractive and seemed very bright.  She was the sort of women who you wrote to and really prayed that she'd get back in touch.  Lucky for me (or so I thought), she did.  She asked me a lot of questions, and we had plenty to talk about for quite a while.  We both had brothers who were engineers, we both were just out of two-year relationships, and we both liked football.  Imagine that.

I asked her on a date, and planned to pick her up at her house that Friday night.  Awesome, right?

I made it to her house, went up to the front door, and found it ajar.  I knocked and called her name several times.  No answer.  I tried her phone.  Voicemail.  I waited for several more minutes, then pushed the door open.

I called "Hello" about a hundred times and stepped inside.

Right to my left, when I walked in, was a small but well-cleaned dining room, and sitting at the head of the table was Rachel.  She looked as if she had just woken up, and was in pajamas.  She had a curious smile on her face and stared straight ahead, as if she didn't see me at all.  She blinked and I saw her breathing, so at least she was alive.

"Rachel?  Are you all right?" I asked, stepping beside her and touching her shoulder. 

No response.  I looked around, and called her name a few more times before shouting, "Hello?" to the house once more.

I cupped her face in my hands and tried turning her to face me, but she was stiff as a wooden board.  I had never felt anything like that before.  I said, "Rachel, if you don't respond, then I'm going to call 911."

No response.  I pulled out my phone.

She twisted her head to me and loudly said, "Don't call 911."

I nearly evacuated my bowels in shock.  She turned back to staring over the table.  "I'm just thinking," she said.

At that point, I noticed a strange noise coming from somewhere in the house, like someone cracking his or her knuckles over and over again.  I said, "Okay," and I left.

I didn't hear from her again.  The best theory that I have is that she had second thoughts about seeing me and wanted to creep me out as best she could.  It worked.


  1. All I have to say is...

    ..WTF, mate?

  2. Why did the scene from Pan's labyrinth with the child-eater sitting still at the table spring to mind?

  3. I love how almost all the dates written by guys all start with "she was so hot I can't believe she let me talk to her" and all the dates written by girls start out with "I was impressed when he told me he was a [insert job title that impresses women]."

  4. Different qualities matter to both genders differently. Attractiveness counts more in some cases, while job security/ability to take care of a family count more in others.

  5. So what you're saying is we haven't developed that far from "warrior who slays the most in battle marries the chieftan's hot daughter."

  6. Yes. Such as it is.

    It's not a matter of developing past it, though. It's a question of biology. We want healthy mates who are sane, productive, and who can provide what it is that we want. A complimentary personality, preferable to a need-filler.

    A fellow in Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair put it pretty well:

    "A woman wants a man who's fly-er than she is."

    I think it also works for men. A guy also wouldn't stick around with a woman who wasn't exciting in unexpected ways.

  7. Ah, confirmational bias, our old friend. So let's ignore the recent dates (a woman interested in a man because "he had a great ass" and acted nervous, a man that cites the gal's work in international finance, the presumeably successful and economically stable female psychiatrist that values the man's dedication to public service in a low-pay-no-respect field). Those are clearly outliers; after all, we already know what we think, why let evidence mess with that?

  8. P.S. - Congrats, OP, on dodging the junkie bullet. She's wasn't faking you out.

  9. Fizz:

    What I'm saying is that it works both ways. Both genders want someone who excites them. It's just that the way in which different people are excited can differ down gender lines.

  10. @ jmg & fizziks...???? (scratching my head, then shaking it) both of ya'll lost me..(puzzled look)

  11. I think you're both right - I want a hot guy with a stable job and fun hobbies that thinks I'm the bees knees. My ex-husband was none of these (a tortured artist who was fantastic in the sack), and the closest I've found here is a friend who's a happily married man.

    BUT BACK TO THE STORY! What the hell? This is so bizarre. Drugs? Step dad? Return of an ex? Did the hypnotist finally get a hold of a willing date? Spooky! Great Halloween story.

  12. ^ what are your thoughts on a fantastic artist who is torturous in the sack?

  13. That's just funny Error.

    Quit reinforcing the "chicks are crazy" stereotype.

  14. This site has clearly demonstrated that psychosis lives on both sides of the gender line. So there, Peter Pecker.

  15. *gracefully concedes that Error may have a point*

  16. I'd have left the house then called 911 anyway.



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