What Happens in the Woods

Submitted by Trey:

Brianna and I had been on a couple of dates and seemed to have great chemistry. One weekend, she went out camping with some friends. I wished her a good time, and we planned to have a date sometime during the following week.

On Sunday, she left me a voicemail, asking me to pick her up from her campsite, an hour and a half away. She sounded pretty upset, but I maintained a level head, wanted to be chivalrous, and off I went to the campsite to pick her up. Her phone went right to voicemail each time I tried calling.

When I made it to the trail head, she was nowhere to be seen. I waited for a little while, then hiked a little ways into the path, calling her name. I must have been gone about a half hour.

I was relieved to find her when I returned to my car.

"Where the fuck were you?" she asked, hoisting up her backpack, "You're not here to hike, you're here to pick me up."

That's no way to speak to someone who just drove an hour and a half to pick you up without explanation. I said, "Drop the attitude, or I'll leave here without you."

She threw her bag into my car and climbed into the passenger seat, slamming the door behind her.

I wasn't about to leave her behind at this point, so I pulled away from the forest with her.

First thing I did was ask her what happened. She said that she didn't want to talk about it. I asked her if she wanted to talk at all, and she put the radio on in response.

About an hour into the drive, she said, "Fred tried to have sex with me."

Fred was an old friend of hers that she hiked with sometimes. I asked her, "What happened?"

She said, "He tried to put the moves on me once everyone else went to bed. I told him I wasn't interested, but we drank a bit more and I finally let him."

"Let him what?"

"Have sex with me. It was just a one time thing and not really a big deal."

As far as I was concerned, that was the end of our dating life.

"Are you angry?" she asked.

"Nope," I told her. Why would I be? I had decided a moment before that I didn't want to see her anymore

"Why not?  Is that your way of getting revenge on me?"

All I wanted to do was drop her off and have things be over.  I said, "You do whatever you want.  Who am I to tell you what to do?"

"So you are angry," she said, "It's none of your business, really.  I told you out of the goodness of my heart."


"You are such an angry, bitter person.  I'm glad that I fucked Fred."


It was essentially that conversation on repeat until I dropped her off at her house.  Oddly enough, she called me non-stop over the next few days.  Probably to try and yell at me more, but I never once answered the phone or listened to any of her messages. 


  1. On the one hand, seems like the OP is bitter, seeing as he hadn't gotten his wick in - and Fred got it first. If they hadn't committed yet, seems like she can do what she wants.

    For me, the deal breaker would have been the 'Come and fetch me in the middle of the night, so I can swear at you and complain about having chosen to fuck some other bloke.'

    Though I bet, with some twisted logic, it was a way for her to get his attention. Maybe he should have tried to make a move on her before, and she was wondering how to make him do it...

  2. I kind of agree with Married. OP sounds a little bitter. Maybe the girl was just trying to see if she could get a rise out of him, if he'd be upset because he liked her. I guess she didn't like the response, but if he actually didn't like her that much, it worked out better.
    Oh, yeah, btw, the whole yelling about him going hiking, totally bitchy and unnecessary. That's the truly awful part.

  3. "Drop the attitude, or I'll leave here without you."

    Full respect for the above.

  4. Sounds to me like she regretted fucking someone and wanted him to go all caveman and beat the other guy up to restore her "honor" or something. When the OP decided to let her be a big girl and live with her own decisions, she got pouty and nasty.

  5. With all the previous Tiger Woods jokes I half expected this to be about one of his mistresses.

  6. I think Trey was angry cause he liked Brianna seeing as they'd been on a few dates, had another planned & had chemistry. He should've said as much [doesn't help to hide your feelings] then still have ended it.

    Brianna seems pretty self-serving & self-involved, instead of initially saying she had sex with Fred it's "Fred tried to have sex with me", & the whole "It's none of your business, really. I told you out of the goodness of my heart".. seriously? He drove ninety minutes for her sake making it his business, telling him is the least she could've done.

    Then there's the "Where the fuck were you?.." & don't even get me started on the "You are such an angry, bitter person. I'm glad that I fucked Fred".. no no no, fuck this girl.

  7. Julie has a good point. Or maybe she just made it all up entirely? It's possible.

  8. On a side note, way to go Fred! Finally getting in there and moving out of the Friend Zone.

  9. Seven-Thirty9/18/2010 6:14 PM

    In one of Nuala O'Faolain books, I can't remember which, a young Irish woman without money is in a relationship with an upper class English guy. Out of the blue a flatmate comes on to her and she has sex with him, although she has no emotional connection and had not considered him.

    Her fiancé finds out in short order and terminates the relationship. The woman's life takes a different direction as a result of this sexual episode. She cannot explain why it happened.

    The woman who had sex in the woods was trying to figure it out and she shared the information with the wrong person. Men are mentally not equipped to care for other men's children.

  10. "Men are mentally not equipped to care for other men's children."????

    That would be news to my stepfather. And Shaquille O'Neal :P

  11. Sawyer86 said...

    On a side note, way to go Fred! Finally getting in there and moving out of the Friend Zone.
    9/18/2010 2:15 PM


  12. Seven thirty are you trolling? I hope you are for that nonsensical irrelevant post.
    Oh by the way does it work the other way too? are women mentally equipped to care for other woman's children?

  13. Seven-Thirty9/19/2010 10:53 AM

    4:13 and Fizziks, if you believe in evolution, then mating behavior must steered by the need to pass on genes. Generally the selfish gene does not want the individual to expend his/her resources furthering another's offspring.

    A woman with two sons orbiting her is less attractive, especially if she flaunts their importance to a guy.

    Of course there are exceptions to this. Adoption is a good example of people's longing to nuture taken precedence over the desire to reproduce. There are plenty of nice step-dads who beat the pants off the bum ex. But statistically children are not as safe with step parents. Hansel and Gretel is folk wisdom about nature.

    Sexual jealousy is not learned behavior. It is natural. If you disagree, please explain why infidelity is such an issue in relationships?

    All things being equal, I think women are generally more prepared to take care of the children of others. Most who work in daycare are women. That is not an accident or a product of culturally imposed gender roles.

    Note: Architect did not consider the kiddie ballet show entertaining.

  14. Seven-Thirty: You know almost all evolutionary psychology is bullshit, right? But since you seem so fond of it, you should look up "evolutionary altruism." It says that altruism evolved because as social primates, it is in our best interests for survival (and subsequent passing of genes) to do deeds that benefit others. That would certainly include raising other men's children.

  15. Seven-Thirty9/19/2010 4:55 PM

    11:04, I am sure that "evolutionary altruism" exists. Worker ants routinely do everything for the greater good without ever getting laid. Many have no doubt seen wildlife documentaries of lion prides, showing how the defeat of the old male leads to slaughter of his cubs. The lionesses go into estrous earlier than if they had been nursing, allowing the male an opportunity to sire offspring.

    People are neither lions nor ants, but our behavior is certainly determined in large part by instinctual behavior patterns.

    While it is true that homo sapiens practice altruism, e.g., food stamps, much of mankind is engaged in warfare with the aim extinguishing the competition. When people do nasty things to each other often the term "primitive instincts" crops up as an explanation.

    ABCOD commentators hop back and forth on the one hand offering ribald praise of successful mating strategies, i.e., way to go Fred, the plan to get Brianna tipsy and into bed worked, and on the other, practical discussion about choosing mates.

    One aspect that comes through in the Mighty Woman in the Closet and What Happens in the Woods is the ambivalence that women may feel after having sex. Is it fair to say that the root of regret is actually a biological instinct since a woman may become pregnant and wonder if this was the right male, i.e., one that would contribute to raising the offspring.

  16. Am I the only one that avoids reading seven-thirtys posts anymore?

  17. It should have ended at "where the fuck were you?" That's all. Chemistry be damned.

  18. 11:10 you're not alone. I don't disagree with them I just don't see the relevance to the story.

  19. @Anon 11:10 - haha, I just skipped seven thirty's response and was like "am I the only one who always thinks tl;dr for this guy?".

  20. Seven-Thirty9/20/2010 6:43 AM

    4:44, people actually love to read stuff that they disagree with. For you -- and I have a guess as to who is hiding behind the Anonymous -- I am obligatory reading. Someone like me helps you to define your sense of self.

    11:10, your dead wrong here. Many of the factors that come into play, e.g., does the date have a car, are essential in evalutation. Lack of material wealth kills off sexual interest.

    The ability to converse and a sense of humor are also big plus points. This makes perfect sense, too, since social competence affects the likelihood of a successful family life (passing genes on).

  21. Seven-Thirty, 1.) you are far too serious and 2.) your posts are far too fucking long. I don't come here for an education, I come here to snort coffee out of my nose.

    As for the OP, well done. This selfish little slut princess is lucky she got a ride all the way home. She sounds awful.

  22. "Men are mentally not equipped to care for other men's children."

    Son, your head is so far up your own ass you need to undo your fly to see daylight. I've raised a little girl from two years old to eighteen. The fact that I'm not her biological father doesn't change the fact that I love my daughter.

    The fact is a lot of guys are immature or lazy. "mentally not equipped" is a bullshit excuse. It's rolled out to explain why guys cheat, why they don't commit, why they forgot their anniversary. You know, biologically we're programmed to throw our own feces. Grab a pair and grow the fuck up.

  23. seven-thirty, how can 11:10 be 'dead wrong here'? it looks like an opinion, an opinion that your posts are boring, long-winded, off topic, and generally irrelevant.

  24. My patience with your faux-intellecutalism has frayed to breaking, Seven-Thirty. Here's a basic test you need to apply to anything you ever say again based in evolutionary psychology: the test of how accurate your assertions are is not how often it's true but how often it's false. For every claim you've made about how mechanical and deterministic the gender differences of mating psychology are, there is a known non-negligible subset of the population that embodies the inverse. I'd rather you took laxatives for your constipation than dumping your shit here.

  25. ^ Well said my dearest cavernous twat!

    Okay, I had to read it twice. Slower the second time to catch all those fancy words, but conquering the feat, I mightily applaud you.

  26. Seven-Thirty9/21/2010 7:30 AM

    Fizziks, There is no non-neglible subset. The data was falsified.

    By the way, "in all private quarrels the duller nature is triumphant by reason of dullness."

  27. As a great, regular commenter once said:


    I think we can all agree that the comments 7:30 makes are pretentious, irrelevant, and unnecessarily long-winded. Can we all just agree to "tl;dr" his posts and move on to agreeing that the girl in this date was a bitter slut who was cranky that she let some ugly guy friend get her drunk and screw her in a tent?

  28. Seven-Thirty9/22/2010 3:46 AM

    Kate Weber is not afraid that others know who she is or what she thinks. The same is perhaps not true of you, 12:50.


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