I Would Do Handstands for You

Submitted by Stanley:

Nell was a girl I had wanted to ask out for over six years.  We went through elementary, junior high, and senior high school together, but I never developed the nerve to ask her out until 11th grade.

I'll never forget how it happened.  She was sitting all alone at the bleachers, reading.  I was coming from the gym and was about to head home when I spotted her.  "Now or never" zipped through my mind, and I went for it.

I approached her and said her name.  She looked up and gave me such a sweet smile that all of my confidence turned to quivering jelly.  I wanted her so badly.

And she said yes.  That was the awesome part.

I had hoped that the awesome part would continue into the date itself, but I noticed early on that things weren't right when she didn't once make eye contact with me.  Not once.  When she spoke or replied to me, it was always directed towards an inanimate object.  In retrospect, I suppose she could have been nervous.  Or maybe I'm unspeakably ugly.  Either way, it was off-putting.

We did a light dinner at a cafe followed by a walk by a lake.  It was a warm spring night, and she suggested dipping our feet in the lake off of a dock.  Having seen countless romantic postcards depicting such a practice, I jumped at the chance.  We removed our shoes and socks and did just that.

I edged closer to her, trembling, arguing with myself whether or not I should go for a kiss.

Then, she turned and actually looked at me for the first time.  She said, "Check it out."

She drew herself out of the water, stood, bent herself forward, and did a handstand, right on the edge of the dock.

Her dress flopped over her head.  She yelled something, lost her balance, and before I could stop her, she fell into the shallow water.

She screamed and thrashed and I pulled her out.  Any humor or goodwill was banished with her following sentence: "You pushed me!"

I had done nothing of the sort, nor would I have ever.  I denied her accusation, but she was adamant, soaking wet, and furious.  She demanded that I take her home.  I did, and she never spoke another word to me since.  I still wonder whatever became of her.


  1. Tiger Woods, hitting it on and off the course.

  2. Seven-Thirty9/05/2010 2:09 PM

    OP should have jumped in to even things up.

  3. Women are terrible, why would she knowingly accuse the OP of something she knows that he is not guilty of. No wonder Tiger Woods was unfaithful to Elin and played all those other women, they are just aren't worth it.

  4. The OP was sexually inexperienced, but he had heard that you couldn't have sex with a woman until her pussy was wet. He pushed her in, which just goes to show a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

  5. Unlike the OP Tiger Woods is sexually experienced.

  6. Well at least you did ask her out. It was really not cool that she really thought you would push her. Oh well at least you went for it and ask her out finally.

  7. The lass fell over because she was obviously too fat.

  8. What color were her Knickers?

  9. If this scenic moment had taken place at the edge of a rock quarry, this would be a very different story.

  10. ^Hahaha! I totally thought the same thing!

  11. ^^bahahahaha


    She was kicked off the US Olympic gymnastics team after throwing the bronze metal back at the judges, stealing the gold metal, and saying, "I'ma letchoo finish, but MY handstands were the best display of athletic ability EVER!"

    ...Oh wait, no, that was Kanye West.

  12. ^ Kanye said "letchoo"?!

    I thought the controversy over that was because he said "I'ma let Jew finish, but..."

    I thought he was just being racist...
    In that case, what he did was totally acceptable. That bitch can't sing anyway.

  13. Hey, 10:55! I'll not let you sully the good name of AutoTune like that!


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