Anger Not the Water Gods

Submitted by Erin:

Walter was an old friend of mine from elementary school and beyond.  In high school, we had connected through a mutual love of music.

We hadn't hung out much in recent years, but he contacted me online to ask if I wanted to have a date on a forthcoming Friday night.  He asked if I wanted to do dinner with him and listen to some new albums.  He also said that he was working on his own music, and I told him that I'd be happy to listen to it.

I went to his house that Friday night, and he invited me inside.  We sat down, listened to a couple of metal songs off of an album, and then he plugged in his amp and went to work.

He had a unique sound (although his songs all sounded a bit similar, and he was a much better lyricist than songwriter) and it was nice to listen to him, overall.  He looked and sounded good.

After a little bit, I asked him when he wanted to do dinner.  He told me to wait a bit and ran out of the room.  He didn't come back for about fifteen minutes, and when he did, he tossed a Chinese take-out container at me, a little too hard and fast.

I caught it, but it opened and gooey noodles flew everywhere.  Brown sauce stained my outfit, and Walter just stood and watched as I mopped it off of myself and left the room to find some water.

While I was in the bathroom, dabbing my shirt clean, I smelled something funny, like gingerbread but with a side touch of rancid mold.

I opened the toilet.  Nothing in there.  I looked behind the shower curtain.  A multi-colored mound of wax sat in the tub, a little over knee-high, as if dozens and dozens of candles had been burnt over the course of weeks.  On the top of the pile, a new candle was freshly lit.

I returned from the bathroom to ask Walter about it.

He replied, "It's part of my religious observances.  I haven't used the shower in a month.  I'm giving thanks to water."

I asked him, "Then where have you bathed?"

He said, "I haven't.  For a month."

I pressed, "How does not taking a shower for a month show that you're thankful for water?"

He said, "It just does.  We don't have any Chinese left.  Want a hot pocket?"

I didn't.  Then he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.  We had been friends for a while, so I said that I'd stick around, but there was no way I was going to let him put his hands anywhere near me.  He didn't try anything during the film, but he did keep inching closer, to which I responded by inching away.  I think he took the hint.

After the movie, I told him that I had to go.  On his doorstep, I said goodbye, and he gave my right cheek a wet lick.

I pulled away, said goodnight, and left.  That was our only date.


  1. "he was a much better lyricist than songwriter" ummm... those are the same thing.

  2. Hehe that sounds horrible. Didn't you smell that he hadn't bathed in a month?

    It's always a good idea to invite girls over on the pinnacle of one's bathing-abstinence.

  3. 8:22 - A lyricist writes the lyrics to a song. A songwriter writes the music to the song. FYI.

    Honestly, I thought that he had thrown Chinese food at her in an attempt to get her dirty enough to bathe with him. The mound of wax was an accumulation of all his other attempts at this ruse.

  4. you had me at "wet lick"

  5. If he was such a lyricist why didn't you report him to THE POLICE right away?!! PERVERT!

  6. It's too bad about the month of no bathing - having Chinese takeout thrown at me is my favorite type of foreplay.

  7. I'd like to know what his religion is. I would think you would show how grateful you are to water by using it; make it feel good, let it know you need it! "Thanks for the shower, water! I'm sure grateful you helped me wash the sweat off my balls!" Simple as that.

  8. Great title Jared.

    I think I know this guy! That is if he were playing punk rock instead of metal. And instead of Chinese food, it was potato chips and Heineken because he had already eaten, just before we were supposed to go out to dinner.

    Boys not showering for a long time is horrible. An ex and his jolly band of idiots used to declare "Punk Week" wherein they would not shower and then continue on to see who could last the longest. Skaters, in 110 degree weather. So gross.

  9. I lived with someone who never bathed. He also had ferrets that he never bathed. He also had a ferret cage he never cleaned.

    I hate disgusting people, especially when they make an excuse for being disgusting. His excuse was that his parents never encouraged him to bathe.

    I am no longer on speaking terms with him.

  10. You should've told him that your religion necessitated the lighting on fire of non-showering dudes. Then, you should've lit him on fire.

  11. I can't believe you didn't let him put his hands on you! This guy had all the right moves...and he did offer you a Hot Pocket!

  12. WTF no shower for a month i wonder what if he wash his clothing and bed sheets my guess is no

  13. Seven-Thirty9/21/2010 3:40 PM

    (WARNING: irreverent commentator)

    This post reminded me of Nothing, the auto-biographical Mason Jennings song about the impoverished musician living in a house where the tap water ran brown. Couldn't invite girls to shower there, had to go across the street to buy bottled water at the gas station.

    Imagine girls who had sex with him, recalling that in the morning they freshened up with towels dampened with Perrier.

    Great song... YouTube it.

    1. I've brushed my teeth with Perrier a couple of times when we had problems with the plumbing. It is amazing how awful the combination of Perrier and toothpaste tastes.

  14. I once had a religion that necessitated the cleansing of the unclean. My preferred method was fire but a fire hose is an acceptable substitute.

  15. Seven-Thirty, you need a dictionary. Nothing about what you said is 'irreverant'. However, it is quite extremely irrelevant.

  16. Seven-Thirty9/22/2010 3:37 AM

    1:40, irreverent, as I have it, is the correct spelling. Yours, "irreverant" is not in the dictionary. No big deal. The song is absolutely relevant (or relevent if you prefer).

    Anonymous, 12:18, if true, then I am sorry. Don't want to hurt you.

  17. Lucky he gave you a wet lick, his tongue was probably the cleanest part of his body.

  18. It sucks having to read the name of the commenter first, knowing that I'll need to scroll down to the next comment when Seven-Thirty starts to yap. I really wish there was a way to block people from viewing their comments. I'd block the shit out of Seven-Thirty.

  19. I don't generally feel an urge to take objection to these stories -- lots of weird fucking people out there, after all -- but you're telling me this guy didn't wash himself in a month and the original poster couldn't smell it off him? He didn't look dirty? Nnnot really buying it. I mean, maybe this happened, but if it did, either the OP's senses need a serious tune-up, or this guy snuck in pretty regular showers. I know not everybody starts to stink at the same rate, but a month without washing your balls? I don't care who you are, you're gonna be getting pretty rank.

  20. Seven-Thirty9/22/2010 12:55 PM

    Anonymous (9:26), ABCOD is a place where people joke and even relieve themselves of thoughts that would not go down well if stated publicly. It is not PC, for instance, to ridicule fat bitches.

    With the exception of Kate Weber, we have monikers behind which we already hide ourselves. To require an additional degree of secrecy beyond your ABCOD persona, and I assume you are one of the regular contributors, suggests a lack bravery.

  21. @Anon 10:46 - "but a month without washing your balls? I don't care who you are, you're gonna be getting pretty rank. "

    I totally did a spit take. I need to remember not to drink water while reading these comments. My keyboard always inevitably suffers. :)

  22. ^^
    ...nothing better than sticky keys ;]


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