'Ol Smoke-Mouth

Submitted by Michael:

I nearly fell out of my chair when I found Rita's profile on an online dating site. Here, finally, was a girl who had a great personality, was hysterical, and was hot as hot could be. "How is it that no one else scooped her up yet?" I asked myself as I wrote my first message to her.

She followed up quickly, with a message full of questions and comments about my own profile. She even said that I was the handsomest guy she had seen on the site. Granted, I'm sure that it was hyperbole, but she didn't have to say it in the first place.

Not too long after that, I called her and asked her out.

She showed up looking great — in a dark blue dress with a belt and her brunette hair was down.

"Do you mind?" she asked me as she pulled out a clove and lit it up.

Her profile had said that she was a non-smoker. I wasn't about to call her on it, but I hadn't expected this. It wasn't a big deal.

Dinner was, surprisingly, not nearly as fun as I had imagined. She spoke for most of the time about these two guys that she used to date and how they screwed her over, one with money, the other with, as far as I could tell, taking all of the blankets while they slept.

"Every fucking night it was the same," she whined, "He'd take all the blankets. Hello! You're not the only one in bed! You like fucking me, so how about sharing some of those blankets on a subzero night, pal?"

After dinner, we took a short walk. She lit up a clove and I brought her back to her car to say goodnight.

She was half-finished with her clove when she put it out on a nearby railing and, I'm serious, opened her mouth and tucked the thing in the inner side of her mouth, between her lower gums and her teeth.

She slid it back and forth for a few seconds, then drew me in for a kiss. I pulled away.

"What's your problem?" she asked.

"You have a clove in your mouth! That's gross!"

She corrected, "Half a clove, but lots of people do it. If it freaks you out, then fine."

She gave me a quick kiss on my cheek, then said goodbye.

I later told her that we'd be better off as friends, and we've stayed in touch since then. The idea of kissing her still makes me shudder.


  1. Is a 'clove' slang for a cigarette? Or a clove cigarette (Indonesian - 'kretek')? If so, what the hell is she doing putting a cigarette *in* her mouth? I don't get it...

  2. ___y?Sexy?Sexy
    _______ Sexy?

  3. Yeah, I don't think "clove" is a universal term. I think "clove cigarette" or "clove of garlic" and "how the hell does one smoke a clove?" and finally "how does she plan on smoking a wet cigarette later?"
    OP, you should've just said "Oh! I'm surprised you're smoking. Your profile said you didn't" and let her say something about it. I don't know why you felt that would've been awkward. Maybe just desperate to have a date go well for once I guess. Speak up for yourself man!

    Oh, and good job Sawyer86!

  4. ^ Yes it is. People smoke just "cloves." I don't go around and say "excuse me while I go out and smoke this clove cigarette." That is what they are, but people don't say that. Dajrums are the tastiest.

    That said, in all my years of smoking said cloves, and all my friends who smoke cloves, I've NEVER heard of anyone tucking an expired one in their mouth like chaw. That's disgusting and it's making me gag. Then expect someone to kiss you with that shit in your mouth? Nastiness!

    Sawyer86? -WTF? Were you sleep posting?

  5. Oh, and Seven-Thirty, well done post! Much better. If that's actually you.

  6. I've smoked cloves before. Never stored one in my mouth though.

  7. Not to nit pick but how do you put a cigarette between your gums and teeth, they're attached to each other. I presume OP meant the lower cheek.

  8. Of all the gross things dates have done on this site, this ranks, above the piss backpack guy and toilet washing girl, but below any of the snot related incidents.
    Since it's technically a cigarette butt she was putting in her mouth, does this technically count as "ass to mouth"? Oh, semantics.

  9. Jesus that's fucking gross! But then again, I bet she has all sorts of orifices she uses for convenient storage. Could be a market for that sort of thing. After all, I have a 10'x10' rented in Fizziks' vag.

  10. Seven-Thirty9/22/2010 6:50 PM

    Error, no, no it wasn't me who wrote that comment, it must have been the other Seven-Thirty, the longwinded one that Nikki and Fizziks want to garrote.

  11. She's climbing up in your windows, and snatching your people up.

  12. I only used clove when my teeth hurt


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