'Ol Smoke-Mouth

Submitted by Michael:

I nearly fell out of my chair when I found Rita's profile on an online dating site. Here, finally, was a girl who had a great personality, was hysterical, and was hot as hot could be. "How is it that no one else scooped her up yet?" I asked myself as I wrote my first message to her.

She followed up quickly, with a message full of questions and comments about my own profile. She even said that I was the handsomest guy she had seen on the site. Granted, I'm sure that it was hyperbole, but she didn't have to say it in the first place.

Not too long after that, I called her and asked her out.

She showed up looking great — in a dark blue dress with a belt and her brunette hair was down.

"Do you mind?" she asked me as she pulled out a clove and lit it up.

Her profile had said that she was a non-smoker. I wasn't about to call her on it, but I hadn't expected this. It wasn't a big deal.

Dinner was, surprisingly, not nearly as fun as I had imagined. She spoke for most of the time about these two guys that she used to date and how they screwed her over, one with money, the other with, as far as I could tell, taking all of the blankets while they slept.

"Every fucking night it was the same," she whined, "He'd take all the blankets. Hello! You're not the only one in bed! You like fucking me, so how about sharing some of those blankets on a subzero night, pal?"

After dinner, we took a short walk. She lit up a clove and I brought her back to her car to say goodnight.

She was half-finished with her clove when she put it out on a nearby railing and, I'm serious, opened her mouth and tucked the thing in the inner side of her mouth, between her lower gums and her teeth.

She slid it back and forth for a few seconds, then drew me in for a kiss. I pulled away.

"What's your problem?" she asked.

"You have a clove in your mouth! That's gross!"

She corrected, "Half a clove, but lots of people do it. If it freaks you out, then fine."

She gave me a quick kiss on my cheek, then said goodbye.

I later told her that we'd be better off as friends, and we've stayed in touch since then. The idea of kissing her still makes me shudder.