Things We Left on the Porch

Submitted by Elizabeth:

Dennis was a friend of a good friend of mine in college.  We had hung out a few times in person, and he always came off as very nice, but also very shy.  He was handsome, but nothing ever seemed to set him apart.

There was a knock at my off-campus apartment door one day, and when I opened the door, there was no one there, but someone had left an anonymous bouquet of red roses with my name on them.

I was flattered and had no idea who could have sent them.  I put out some feelers, asked some friends if they had any idea, but no one knew anything.  I taped a "thank you" note to my door, and figured that whoever it was would let me know eventually. Hopefully.

After a month, I had nearly forgotten about it when another bouquet appeared at my door, this time wildflowers.  Again, anonymous, and again, just my name on a card.  It was nice, but a little freaky.  It meant that someone was thinking about me and not identifying him/herself for a month.  I put another thank you note on my door, and decided to not let it bother me.

The next day, another wildflower bouquet.  This time signed, "Your secret admirer."  Very nice, very original, and more and more creepy.

The next day I came home early and waited behind a futon on our porch.  Dennis walked up with a smaller bunch of wildflowers.  I stepped out and engaged him.  I told him that I was flattered, but that talking to me would have impressed me far more than any amount of flowers.

He said, "I haven't been bringing you flowers.  These aren't for you."

They were the same exact type as the other flowers that I had received.  I asked him who they were for, and he said that they were for another of my roommates.  I asked him which one.  He couldn't name her, and offered to give them to me after all.  I told him that he should hang on to them until the roommate he was waiting for showed up.  He insisted on giving them to me, did so, and walked away, grumbling.

The next day, there was a brown paper bag with a frowny face on my porch.  It was full of dog shit.

Dennis never made eye contact with me again, after that.


  1. Yadayadayada8/02/2010 10:57 PM


  2. What's so creepy about leaving flowers at your door? However, I find it strange that he claimed the flowers weren't for you when your name was on the cards.

  3. Hmmm... did I miss the date in that story somewhere?

  4. I know this wasn't technically a date, but it was pretty hilarious!

  5. LMFAO!! I love this guy!

  6. A new twist on a classic....Ding Dong Douche.

  7. OMG that was awesome... Totally made my day!!

  8. Nice date Liz! Err.. wait. No. No it wasn't a date. FUCK!
    Have a good life.

  9. Got to say, this is the funniest "date" I've read in a long time. I love that the guy communicates solely through items left on your porch. Just think, if you did date and he proposed to you it would be by leaving a ring on your stoop.

    PS. Who the fuck has a futon on their porch?

  10. No, 11:34, it was a *bag* of crap. With a frowny face on it, which was the best part.

    Honestly, you could have gotten worse wooing gifts than flowers. I had a stalker who'd leave cans of orange soda (my fave beverage at the time) on my porch and on the windowsill of my bedroom window. Then when I told him that I'd take police action if he didn't leave me alone, he left me a gift-wrapped tee-shirt that said, "I lie to boys." Subtle...

  11. If you thought the guy were attractive, I bet you wouldn't have told him "I was flattered, but that talking to me would have impressed me far more than any amount of flowers."

  12. First time I've laughed at something on here in a while :)


  13. @ Anon 2:38 - Guys like that are ALWAYS unattractive. If they looked good they wouldn't have to resort to pseudo-stalking and would probably be giant douches or at least socially well rounded.

  14. ^ I'm not unattractive, and I like to leave bags of shit on people's doorsteps that I don't like... This guy went the extra mile with the frownie-face on the bag though. I'm gonna have to start doing that.

  15. Awesome! Who knows what else he left around your place! If you smell a faint chlorine odor there's probably something else he left there...a lot of it. Ugh!

    p.s.-Was the frowny face drawn in poo too? Perhaps he's a fecal finger paint artist!


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