Dead on Arrival

Submitted by Jack:

Allie and I hit e-mails back and forth for the better part of a month, but we were both so busy that we were each able to respond seldom.  She had the idea to meet up, and she gave me an address, which I assumed was her home.

The address that she gave me was that of a cemetery.  She met me out front and told me that we'd have to walk through it to make it to her house.  I asked if her family were the groundskeepers, and she told me that they weren't.  They just "lived in the backwoods."

We walked past an open, unoccupied grave.  She asked me if I wanted to go inside.  I turned the offer down, but she jumped in, walked back and forth for a bit, and asked me to help her out.

As I was pulling her out, she screamed, "Don't bury me!  I'm not dead!" loud enough to make me jump ten feet.

"Don't let go," she went on to warn me as I shakily pulled her the rest of the way out.

We went on and walked past several mausoleums.  "Want to go in?" she asked.  I told her that I didn't.  She walked up to one, opened its door, struggled with it for a bit, and opened it.

It was dusk, and I didn't really like the idea of bumbling around in a darkened building with dead people.  Bumbling around a darkened bedroom, though, is something else entirely.

Allie disappeared inside.  I heard her say, "Whoa," and nothing else for some time.  I called after her.  Nothing.  I walked up to the structure and looked in.  A few coffins and a stairway down, into darkness.  No Allie anywhere.

I called for her.  No answer.  Thinking that she might have been injured, I put my cell phone on its brightest setting and started down the stairs.

"Boo!" she yelled, behind me, nearly screeching my heart to a stop.  She must have been crouching in a corner that I didn't notice.

I ran out of the mausoleum and kept running.  I heard her running after me, but I didn't stop until I made it to my car and drove away.


  1. The girl was crazy. I wouldn't wanna hang with somebody like that. She thinks she's a brave one actually.

  2. and you're actually admitting to this story on teh internets? good thing they don't use real names here....

  3. "I ran out of the mausoleum and kept running" = GIANT Pussy.

  4. @Sawyer86

    'hand in your man card' Scrubs reference:). OP is spineless. The girl seems pretty harmless and fun loving.

  5. Seven-Thirty8/03/2010 5:51 PM

    I think the OP, a keen reader of the Twilight series, composed this tale of the crypt after popping ecstasy/LSD... no, I take that back. No drugs were involved here, too utterly cliche ridden.

  6. What is it with people going to graveyards on dates? Or maybe it's just on bad dates, which would make sense I suppose.

    Anyway, yeah honestly the OP comes out as somewhat lacking in spine.

  7. I hope your tampon didn't fall out in the haste!

  8. The OP missed out on some great gothic sex...

  9. "It's like I'm walking on sunshine!"
    *tsk tsk* Who's been huffing computer duster in the cemetery again?

  10. Seven-Thirty8/04/2010 10:21 AM

    I'm with 9:49. Fake post.

    How could the OP know the address of the cemetery? Makes it sound like he drove along a deserted road and could read the street numbers of the houses, and then suddenly after number 11, there was nothing for blocks and blocks, until presto sign with 13. And Allie was standing there in a black dress and fish-net stockings.

    "She walked up to one, opened its door, struggled with it for a bit, and opened it."

    How many times did she open it? Other clumsy details give away the fabrication. The biggest give away of all is the absence of any description of the girl. Men always relate something about a woman's looks or appeal.

    "Almost shitting myself with fear, I went down the stairs after Allie's firm round butt." OK.

    So, there were no vaginas to extol or denigrate in the story at any rate.

  11. 9:03 good point.

    Could be fake or not, but anyway maybe she had some vampire fetish, so the proper reaction to her spooking him would be to impale her.

  12. Woa, woa, WOA.

    How about we flip this around?

    If the OP had been a women, would your response be the same? I don't think so. Any guy that hid in a mausoleum and scared a women would be an instant prick. Right? Just add water. Instant prick.

    Instead, this women violated the OP's boundaries. She knew nothing about him. Instead, she instantly started missing with his head, big time.

    And she didn't get what she deserved. If I had been the OP, I would have decked her ass. If the OP reacted like that, he would have been an jerk. Right?

    What else does she consider funny? Hot pokers in the ass?

  13. This was a bad date and she was more then a little weird, but dude what were you afraid of. There are just dead people in the cemetary. They can't hurt you. It's the ones walking around live that you had better be scared of. Man up!

  14. I think if the tables were turned we would react differently, depending on how the tone of the OP. I think it's because we sense aggression and violence when coming from a man but less so from a woman. Though there are some situations were a woman is scary as shit from the tone and context and only has to do less.

    That being said, OP, as a good citizen of the US of A, I'm revoking your green card and deporting you to the United Republic of Pussystan. Do not apply for another visa until you've headbutted a bear or plentifully pleased a woman orally in a cemetary.

  15. Pussy or no, he annoyed the hell out of me with this line:

    Bumbling around a darkened bedroom, though, is something else entirely.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.