Submitted by Maria:
Brad contacted me via an Internet dating site. He was really into the outdoors. So much so that he practically insisted on taking us out on a hike for our first date.
Yes, I know what you're thinking. What a stupid idea. That was also my first thought. I had a general impression of the guy that he was harmless. Jut to be safe, I shared his profile with friends, told some people where I would be, and brought my pepper spray. I liked the idea of being adventurous, but even more so, I liked the idea of being careful.
I showed up with a small knapsack with water, snacks, and lunch. He arrived with a pack fit for a year-long sojourn on the Appalachian Trail. Also, he had a full beard, and none of his profile pictures had been of his bearded self. A minor thing, I guess, but it made me realize that his pictures were not, one way or another, representative of his current self.
"We can do overnight if you want. I brought a tent." he told me.
I informed him that an overnight camping trip was a little fast for my tastes, but I appreciated the offer.
He countered with, "Whatever. Didn't think you'd go for it, but you'd be surprised how often that works."
With that, he spun and started on the hike.
Despite his enormous backpack, he hit the trail like a cheetah through lotion. I was hard-pressed to keep up with him, even though I was in pretty good shape.
Finally, after over a half-hour at a breakneck pace, I was drenched with sweat. I called out, "Hey, can we stop for a bit?"
I stopped. He kept going. I called out again, "Hey! Brad? Can we stop?"
I'm positive that I was loud enough for him to hear. He kept going, not looking back once. I stayed where I was. He disappeared around a bend, and that was actually the last time that I ever saw him.
I sat down to lunch, half-wondering if he'd be back for me. He never came back. I shouldered my pack, walked back to my car at a leisurely pace, and drove away. I never heard from him. Thankfully.
Once every three years, Bigfoot emerges from the wilderness and posts a profile on OK Cupid.....and this generally shy and retreating creature flees back to the lair if rebuffed sexually.
ReplyDeleteOr being incubated in that walk-in freezer his mom calls a twat left him shivering and suspicious.
He had to beat off in tent that night. It wasn't the first time, haha.
ReplyDeleteI mean he was intent on beating off that night.
ReplyDelete^You mean you don't know how to make a joke.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, I feel OP has some responsibility for this bad date.
ReplyDeleteTo wit, in your second paragraph you admit that your first impression was that hiking was a stupid idea, but that you brought pepper spray (and took other measures) to be safe. Imagine yourself in a situation where you'd actually be forced to use pepper spray. Do you believe you'd feel safe in that situation because you have pepper spray and people know where you are? Better to avoid it entirely, no? Your first impression was correct.
So thankfully, the guy was (apparently) harmless. He was definitely pretty rude, but he seems like he had a pretty good idea of the kind of companion he wanted, and you didn't fit the bill.
Can someone make a fat bitch joke because she only walked a half hour?
ReplyDeleteHow is a hike for a first date a bad idea? You get exercise and get to walk and talk and see some nice scenery.
ReplyDeleteA hike is a bad idea because what if he over powers you and murders you and leaves you in a field?
ReplyDeleteHikes are what country people do. City people go to malls.
ReplyDeleteOr what if he overpowers you and rapes you. C'mon, going anywhere where there aren't other people on a first date is a BAD idea.
ReplyDelete"he hit the trail like a cheetah through lotion". what?
ReplyDeleteFizziks, I wouldn't go so far as to call it a joke, just a little pun. But you got it and that's what counts.
ReplyDeleteIs rape on the first date that common? Maybe ABCOD could have ads for pepper spray on the sidebar?
One in three women have been raped (one in five men) and 70% of those are date rape. I would say it's pretty common.
ReplyDeleteAnon 11:14 - Thank you!!! I thought I was the only one left scratching my head and thinking, "WTF does that mean?"
ReplyDeleteAlso, for you Anon 9:54 - Maria started up the mountain, panting and sweating like a bitch in heat. She kept wheezing for her date to stop and wait for her, but he kept charging along. Finally, she collapsed on a part of the trail overlooking the valley below.
"*pant pant pant* Brad! Why do you keep running away from me? *pant pant pant*" she cried.
Brad stopped a good twenty paces away, fear and horror evident on his face. "Because I'm not sure you're not going to eat me if I stop!"
He saw her eyelids flutter as exhaustion took over and she began to faint. Brad saw his chance. He ran over and, with all his strength and the weight of the knapsack behind him, shoved and rolled Maria off of the trail and down the side of the mountain into the valley below.
...She caused a rock slide, which killed 18 people and wounded several others.
...Because she's fat.
FAT BITCH!
^ Only one in three? Damn, guess I'm not doing enough raping.
ReplyDelete@ Fizziks - <3
I'd love to see this post from the other angle:
I showed up to my date with Maria ready for a fun hike. She showed up wearing a fanny pack that looked like a rubber-band stretched around a beach ball. There was no way this girl could hike more than five feet without breaking a sweat. I made a joke about wanting to sleep with her in a tent but when it didn't go well, I decided to end the date and go on the hike alone. When she started chasing after me, I turned on my "cheetah through lotion" afterburners and left her fat ass behind as she huffed and puffed her way to a halt. I guess I really dodged a chubby bullet there!
HAHAHAHAHA, Nikki we were on the same brain wave!
ReplyDeleteThe whole "fat joke" meme gets a little old after awhile. Holy Shit. Plus the OP said she's in "pretty good shape."
ReplyDelete9:53: Well she would carry a firearm but since Fizziks complained about all the spent shells left in her from hunters, it's no longer allowed.
ReplyDeleteThe OP's fiure is immaterial. Regardless of the OP's bodily contours, this "gentleman" (Hah! Not hardly!)acted like an @$$hat of the first order
ReplyDeleteYep, it's obvious she was fat and he had asperger's.
ReplyDeleteAlso, maybe he hiked to AZ with the guy who wandered off from the farmer's market date?
Anon 9:54 here. Thanks Nikki.
ReplyDelete"To wit"? T'wit.
ReplyDelete^ Yeah, same thing.
ReplyDelete