Submitted by Nicholas:
For what turned out to be our only date, Gwen asked me if I'd take her to a certain steakhouse. It sounded fine to me. Until...
"I take all of my first dates there," she explained.
I asked her, "Doesn't that get boring?"
"Nope."
We made it to the place, went inside, and the host greeted her by name. The host also mentioned that Nancy was working that night, whatever that meant.
Our server came over and took our drink and appetizer orders, and soon afterward, Nancy showed up.
Nancy was a waitress, about 60, was rocking a light blue perm, and knelt down at our table, just like they do at TGIFriday's when they want to seem like your very best friend.
"Who is this?" Nancy asked, pointing at me.
Gwen said, "Nicholas."
Nancy asked, "He's the handsomest one yet." She leaned into Gwen's ear. "Do we like him?"
Gwen whispered back, "He's a little too tall and his hair's the wrong color, but we'll see."
Gwen and Nancy giggled, Nancy (whose blue hair, I suppose, was the right color?) kissed the top of Gwen's head, said that it was nice to meet me, and disappeared into the restaurant.
Gwen must have caught my stare. "What?" she asked.
I couldn't help but laugh. "Sorry if I'm too tall. Or have wrongly-colored hair."
She turned a shade or two paler and said, "Oh my God! Did you just hear me with Nancy?"
"Yeah, but don't worry about it."
"Oh my God!" she said again.
It struck me as really weird... Gwen said what she said to Nancy at a volume that was low, but that I'd think most people speaking at that volume would easily realize could be heard by someone else, sitting across the table.
These thoughts took a back seat as Gwen began to tremble, as if she was having a seizure.
I asked if she was all right, and was about to jump up from the table and call for a doctor when she stopped me.
"I'm just terrified that you heard me with Nancy. Why did you even listen? Why?"
I decided against reasoning with her and told her again that it was nothing to worry about.
"Well I'm just going bonkers over here," she said. I couldn't have said it better myself, so I let it go.
Nancy walked by a few times, always patting Gwen on the shoulder and giving me a smile. I asked Gwen at one point how she knew Nancy, and Gwen said that Nancy was like her second mom, there at the restaurant.
The rest of the date was nothing special, and I didn't pursue Gwen any further. She was just bonkers.
Your fault for being too tall and choosing the wrong hair color, OP!
ReplyDeleteFIRST!!
Those kind of crazy girls, bless 'em, can have grand mal seizures when they cum. The OP could have had a threesome, then sent the woman with blue hair out for smelling salts.
ReplyDeleteThe "coulda hada threesome" response pops up so much I wonder how many people actually expected that to happen.
ReplyDeleteA little hairdye and you could have had free steak for life OP! And consider, you finally found a womand that DOESN'T want you to listen to her every trivial thought. 'Course, Nancy has to test-drive the goods first.
ReplyDelete10:17, generally, the people who talk about it the most (or at all), are the people doing it the least.
ReplyDelete"Oh my god, you mean you can actually hear me when I talk to other people?! I thought that was just an inner monologue that only the person I was looking at could hear!" This chick was a complete loon.
ReplyDeleteAnd am I the only one that finds it creepy that she takes all her dates to the Sizzler so her surrogate mom can check out how lean the cut of beef is?
Good news, everyone! My gyno finally found a replacement speculum: http://i.imgur.com/hcjwh.jpg
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm STILL less of a cunt than Gwen.
Honestly, as far as crazy girls on abcotd go, Gwen was relatively mild. I mean, she didn't Google search the OP before their date and accuse him of being a child molester or insist he drive two hours to take her to a rooftop restaurant, only to declare the rooftop "not high enough" or ask OP to buy her a $600 hat on their first date. She just didn't talk quietly enough, took him to a restaurant where she felt comfortable (in case anything turned bad), and then got so embarrassed that she freaked out and ruined the date.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Architect: <3
Maybe she was so freaked out because she realised that every date she's taken there (and there seems to have been a number of them) probably heard her running commentary with Nancy: 'This one seems stupid', 'This one has a small car', 'This one is too short', 'This one picks his nose', and so on...
ReplyDeleteAnd realisation is striking - that's why all of them gobbled their steak and left in a hurry!
The way she said, "He's a little too tall and his hair's the wrong color, but we'll see." Kinda sounded like gold digging to me.
ReplyDelete@Nikki The Google lady and the $600 hat were by far some of the best dates on here.
^If she had said, "He's a little too tall, and his hair's the wrong color, but he works as the CFO of Big Name Corporation" then yeah, I'd agree she wasn't messin' with any broke n-bombs, as Kanye might say. But I think she was just being a little too picky about her possible Mr. Right.
ReplyDeleteNikki is the only reason I've been reading this blog! You're awesome. I want to have all your babies.
ReplyDeleteWell, the great bad dates are partly why I come here. But still, Nikki, you rock. I absolutely look forward to your comments after every post!
Tah,
Longbits
clearly, nancy had asperger's.
ReplyDeleteThat's a beautiful machine, Fizziks (and I mean that with all my heart).
ReplyDeleteYes, 10:43, Nikki has her fans. She has a beautiful sense of balance, weighing up the pros and cons before bringing down the sword.
What makes human suffering so fascinating that we never get enough?
I had a threesome once. And no, not the "cool" kind...
ReplyDeleteAll three of us were dudes.
I was in a threesome once with a friend from high school (we were in our early years of college at this point) and a guy I had a crush on whom she had never met. It was awkward because a) I got her to cum when he couldn't and b) he ended up liking her more than he liked me. To the point that I ended up waking up the next morning to the two of them humping against my back.
ReplyDeleteThey are still together, eight years later. When asked "How did you meet?" they STILL blush and say "By a mutual friend."
Nikki - More like ON a mutual friend. I hope they at least squeegeed your back when they finished. When they celebrate their anniversary do they staple a photo of you to a body pillow and prop against it? Or just invite you over and ask you to "just lay there brooding, it'll be over in a bit"?
ReplyDeleteOP you should have said, "Because I'm a Vampire and I can read your mind! Want to see me float in my flatulent glory?" then stand on the table and let one rip.
This story sounds like a cross between Tarzan and Joe Dirt. I wonder if she was left in the baby changer and with only a "Brew Thru" t-shirt and a note saying, "Likes 'em well done". When the parents never came back she was raised there, sleeping in a hammock under the all you can eat salad bar. Every birthday is celebrated to an original corporately mandated song and shouts of "You're our 20%!" Her worldview is made up of sports, neon lights, and top 40 music.
Fizziks, is it too late to grind her into your cannibis garden? Might give an A-1 aroma to the herb.
11:22, you made my day.
ReplyDeleteI started reading Cluracan's post, but then I got really bored and just started skimming. My eyes focused on "cannibis" (sic), but then realized that it was more of the same shitty context. Still makes me want to smoke some herb though.
ReplyDeleteCluracan,
ReplyDeleteUsually I dress up as a body pillow with a picture of my face safety pinned to it and let them rub up against me on their anniversary. Sometimes they ask me to snore or make small, sad squeaking noises. We've had some scheduling problems come up this year, though, so we won't be celebrating their anniversary on the exact date. They said that they tried to have sex without me on their special day, but that both of them went flaccid without me there.
Also, the rest of your post was incoherent and not really related to the story. I've seen both of the movies you referenced (the latter only under extreme duress), and neither really works as a comparison to the OP's tale of mating woe. I suggest that you smoke less Purple Haze and spend more time thinking about what you say before you dirty the internet with your words.
Love always,
Nikki
^I was trying to imply that she was abandoned in a restaurant and raised there. Meh, perhaps I was off. After the court order, the internet's the only thing I'm allowed to sullen...for now. I get over-zealous.
ReplyDeleteIt's not uncommon at all for someone to take their first date to a place they know well. This gives the person an edge over the other. You feel comfortable and confident in your known surroundings and your ability to forsee events.
ReplyDeleteNormally this is a good thing for both parties. The one confortable can then do what they can to make the other more comfortable. Usually this creates a lovely atmosphere.
This is clearly not the case here. What we have is simply a woman that suffers from anxiety. She takes all her first dates there because this is the only place she goes.
When in public she becomes very nervous and this causes her to behave strangely, which causes people to treat her as a strange person. She then eventually finds a specific waitress in a specific restaurant that treats her like a person. The immediantly bonds with this waitress, and this particular Sizzler's becomes her sanctuary.
During the date she shows how unusually comfortable she is with this waitress through her conversation. She then becomes horrified with the knowlege that her date witnessed her openess with the waitress, showing her understanding that her bahavior is in fact strange. She then attempts to project her anxiety upon her date by attempting to make him question his "choice" in overhearing the conversation.
She's probably a very sweet person, but she does suffer from a bad case of agoraphobia. My heart goes out to her.