Submitted by Nick:
Dori and I met online. At first, we were messaging machines, often sending each other upwards of five messages a day. It quickly deepened from superficial curiosity to deep flirting, and it finally became, I thought, a good plan to ask her out.
That was my last message to her before she went dark. Five to zero messages a day. Silence. I waited a day and sent her another quick one, just to check in, hoping that everything is okay, etc.
Nothing.
It happens. I thought nothing of it, and went on about my life.
Over three weeks later, an e-mail from her. One line: "7pm at my place. I can't take it anymore. Bring wine." She included her address a line below, along with one of those "<3" hearts.
I had no idea what she was talking about, but figured that in her eyes, I had come on too strongly by suggesting a meeting. She had likely spent the ensuing few weeks wrestling with the idea, and finally came to realize that she should give it a shot.
It was important to me to be as understanding as possible, so I picked up a nice bottle of wine and planned to go in as expectation-free as possible. I took the train into the city (as I lived out in the suburbs) and made it to her place right on time.
Her door had a sign taped to it. "Open me." I entered, and saw a sparse trail of candles leading to a sofa in a living room. Clearly, her expectations were a little different than mine, but I didn't have much trouble readjusting.
"Heeeey," her voice came from where I guessed the bedroom was.
"Hey," I called back. "How've you been?" I sat down on the sofa.
"How've I been?" she repeated, then said, "It's naked time!"
She stepped out from around a corner in a short red robe.
She screamed, "Who are you? Get out!" and she screamed again.
I stood up and backed toward the door, saying, "You told me to meet you here tonight. Bottle of wine! Remember?" I held up the Shiraz I had picked out.
She stopped screaming and said, "Oh shit. This is a mistake. I'm sorry. Please go."
She must have meant for that message to wind up in someone else's inbox.
"It can still be naked time," I suggested, yes, jokingly.
"No," she yelled, and the next thing I knew, I was outside. I never heard from her again, of course, but there had been just a second in her apartment wherein I had thought that there was going to be some naked time. Ah well.
Tough break OP, to go all that way and be thrown out, but did you have to ask if you could still have naked time? you just couldn't be classy could you.
ReplyDelete^ He was thinking of all the "bad case of the gheys" comments he would have got if he didn't say anything.. besides, it was worth asking, having already bouth the wine and all..
ReplyDeleteOP, a winner is you for suggesting that it could still be naked time. 5 stars
ReplyDeleteI agree. You KNOW we all would have called him terrible things if he at least didn't give the "why don't we bone anyway" scenario a shot. I LOVE that we finally have a FEMALE getting all naked on a first date instead of some dude whipping out his dick. Nice way to mix it up, Jared!
ReplyDeleteThanks. All of these dates happen because of me.
ReplyDeleteIt can always be naked time, right?
ReplyDeleteOP, you're awesome! You took a situation that was full of potential awful (pre-naked time) and took it in stride all zen like! ESPECIALLY asking if you could still have "naked time". Shoot, I would have ruined it by asking if we could have "Miller time" in the hopes it'd lead to a better hour.
ReplyDeleteCool beans. I love this story :D
ReplyDeleteOP you did well. I would have been pissed that I didn't get any.
ReplyDeletedon't worry, there will be other naked times. lol
ReplyDeleteSeems as if the woman was flirting with at least two guys at the same time. The OP, however, was cast on the reject pile while the other one continued to receive encouragement.
ReplyDeleteCurious that the other guy needed her address. Had they met in person before? She must have at least seen a picture of the intended date.
Given the passage of time, the woman was quick witted enough to figure out her mistake.
It is not often that Jared can simply extract a quote to title a story. Classic.
^ Really? Flirting with 2 guys at the same time? Is that how this mix-up could have happened?
ReplyDeleteYeah I was wondering the same thing as Seven-Thirty - if she included the address, it was to be their first encounter, probably.
ReplyDeleteWould have been nice to know whether she looked good in her red robe.
Wonder whether she quickly asked the intended person to come around, so as not to waste the candles and so on?
looks like the OP dodged a bullet on this one.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking care of that Anon 2:04
ReplyDeletesounds like this turned out to be a bad case of the blue balls.
ReplyDeleteBabyforrest, I think Gulliver has moved on to bigger things--probably some forum of BBWs where he can climb on top of them and die happily under them. That's why the remaining abcotd'ers need to step up and carry on his fat bitch legacy, while also pointing out dodged bullets, attacks of the gheys, bad cases of the rapes, and which dates are obviously fake for ridiculous reasons.
ReplyDelete*sniff* Gulliver...would have wanted it that way.
Yes, please all you named people, go to forums, this is a comment section, not a conversation thread.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm still here. I lurk from time to time, but I'm generally unimpressed with the stories submitted and a lot of the commenters since we started getting 30+ comments on each post.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of shitty posts, this one isn't one. I actually enjoyed it. I only wish the OP knew why she was really pissed. You brought only one bottle of Shiraz? Are you fucking cheap or what?! Do you know how few calories are in a bottle of Shiraz? Clearly not enough for this bitch. As she rolled out of bed in her queen-sized red sheet (covering her only enough to make you think it was a sexy robe), then thundered down the hallway, you should have realized what you came across. This red-draped rhino didn't want a single bottle of wine. What were you supposed to drink? She'd have downed it in the first 2 minutes of you being there. Oh no, she needed more than that... She wanted butter, Krispy Kremes, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and a bag of flour. After making butter-sandwiches out of the box of Krispy Kreme, she would have doused you in chocolate and sucked you off to near completion. It wouldn't take her long, as her mouth has had much practice with things engulfing it (mostly those Krispy Kremes). When she felt she had you hard enough to finally satisfy her, she wanted you to throw some flour down in her "general area" of adipose tissue in her nether regions and look for the wet spot. When you found it, she'd have been fast asleep, letting you go to town on her and completely wreck her vagina. She wouldn't notice; being out from the food coma and all. Finally when you finished and were ready to go, you really could have done whatever you wanted. Take her purse, steal her cat (or save it before she engulfs it in her cake-hole), even carve her stomach and use her blubber as a source of warmth as if she were a Tan-Tan. Regardless of what you did, it's not like she was going to chase you down. Sure, rhinos can charge, but they run on 4 legs. This bitch only has 2, covered in a mass of cellulite, and she wouldn't want to put potholes in her lawn chasing you down. You know, 'cause she's fat. Fat bitch!!!
Glad to see I'm missed though. :-D
You know it's going to be a good story when it begins, "...and I met online."
ReplyDeleteHey Gulliver, thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteHooray!!! Gulliver!!! <3!!!
ReplyDelete