Don't Mess with Lasagna Chefs

Submitted by Elena:

Brendan took me out to a state park with plans to have a picnic.  I really liked the idea, and I cooked lasagna and made lemonade for the occasion.

We made it to a nice clearing and he set out a blanket.  It was a lot of fun and he had a great sense of humor.  All was going well.

Three kids who couldn't have been older than 16 came walking by, and one of them stopped near us and looked at Brendan.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" he asked.

Brendan said, "Nothing.  Just leave us alone."

The three kids laughed, and the first one said, "What?  You want us to leave you alone?"

He kicked at my lasagna container, sending it spraying into the nearby woods.  He laughed again and said, "That's what you get."

Brendan and I stood up and I clenched my fists.  "Hey," I said, "He said to quit it."

What followed happened so fast, that I'm not sure if I remember it in sequence.  The same kid who had been talking all along said to Brendan, "What are you doing out here, you pussy?" and tapped Brendan's ankle with his foot.  Brendan shoved the boy away, and they started to attack.

Brendan landed a good punch on one of them, but there were three of them, and they concentrated their attacks on him, as opposed to me.  Brendan had an average build and could move, but three of these wiry teens would probably get the better of him.

Something that I hadn't told Brendan, that I haven't even told you, is that I'm a blue belt in Tae Kwon Do.  I had never had to use my training in the field, but I automatically knew exactly what to do.

I have to give Brendan credit – he gave them a good fight, but when I stepped in, it was over pretty quickly.  Within 15 seconds, it was done.  Two of them were on the ground.  The other one was clutching his arm, which I might have broken, his mouth open wide in pain, but not uttering a single sound.

"Get the fuck out of here," Brendan shouted, landing a vicious kick at one of them on the ground.

"Hey," I pulled Brendan back, "They've had enough.  Let's just go."

Brendan said, "I don't think they've had enough."

The still-standing one said, "You fucking bitch!  What did you do that for?" and started to sob.

Brendan took a step towards him, but I held him back.  He could have pulled away and continued to hurt these guys, but he turned back to me, helped me gather up the picnic things, and we went back to his car.

We were shaken (I think I was freaking out more than Brendan was) and we ended up having the date on my living room couch.  Luckily, I had lasagna to spare in the fridge.

Brendan and I are still seeing each other, but who knows how things will work out?


  1. Maybe he'll develop a fetish for women wrestlers?

  2. OP, you are AWESOME.

  3. I can only imagine the "that dude was a pussy, why are you dating him" comments that this post will receive.

    Good date story though, lady, and way to kick ass to end a bad situation!

  4. Liked the story but I kind of feel like that last line was a little "Fuck You" to your date.

  5. I hope you are not an adult.

    If you are an adult, you should really know to walk away when children try to fight you.

  6. I find this story ridiculous. A blue belt in Tae Kwon Do beating up 3 kids at a park? Did everyone else overlook the fact that blue belt is one of the lower ones?

    "I started Tae Kwon Do about a year ago and broke some kid's arm." Bull shit.

  7. ^ Walk away when children try to fight you? ^ Are you serious? They were teens, not small kids. I would love for the same thing to happen to you. I'll guess your opinion will change then. As for me, I never leave home without pepper spray (bear mace). I used it once on a snarling dog and won't hesitate to use it again.

  8. 1:23, I have no formal defense training and I accidently broke my own sister's arm when she jumped me from an alley one night (a prank gone bad). I'm a 100lb female. Adrenaline is strong stuff. The OP rocks.

  9. "Walk away when children try to fight you"

    The problem isn't that the kids didn't have it coming - it's that when you're an adult and you beat up a kid, you expose yourself to all sorts of legal nastiness.

  10. And what I find most disturbing in the story is the vicious kick to someone on the ground.

    A vicious kick to defend yourself? Fine. But to literally kick someone while he's down? Cowardly, vicious & unrestrained.

  11. ^^^ legal schmegal. fuck that.

    If a group of teens is attacking without provocation, beat the shit out of them any way possible and high tail it outta there. I bet you $100 they won't be attacking random strangers again. You're doing the public a great service, something their parents obviously couldn't do.

    And who cares if it was a blue belt, whatever that is. She had training and took care of business. good story.

  12. The kids totally had it coming - they initiated the physical assault. The OP and her date were acting in self-defense. It sounds like if neither of them had stepped up to fight back, the kids would have continued to escalate the violence.

    Now if they were 5... http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

  13. 1:24 PM - Yeah, I'm pretty serious. You think someone is a bad ass for beating up some kids? Really? Teenagers are, in fact, kids. Under normal circumstances (not this one, obviously), being an adult means you're not a stupid kid anymore trying to fight on the playground because someone kicks over your lunch.
    Grow up.

    I'm sure you'd love to see some kids act like stereotypical, laughable, movie bullies with me. Some get their jollies in mysterious ways. But I'd be hard pressed to give a fuck if kids were messing with me. I'm taller than them, I can buy alcohol, and my car insurance rocks.

    Keep clutching your pepper spray at dogs who look at you funny. Spazz.

    While we're on the subject of stupid shit we'd love to see happen to the other - I'd love to see you in the process of kicking the ass of a 16 year old, breaking their arm - as a cop happens by. The expression on his face as you explain that they kicked your lunch, deserved it, and their parents probably wouldn't beat the shit out of them for you, would be priceless.

  14. 1:23 - Wrong. According to the American Taekwondo Association, there are 11 color ranks; blue is the 7th, making it one of the later belts. Sorry, no pie for you.

    Info source: http://www.ataonline.com/taekwondo/belts/index.asp

  15. ^^ These "kids" are only "kids" under the law. It's not like they beat up a bunch of 13 year olds. I think 16 years old is old enough to be a mature young adult and to know better than to start a fight. After all, at 16-17 you're supposedly mature enough to start learning to drive. If you're considered mature enough to operate a vehicle at that age, then you should be mature enough to know how to behave in public. Not to mention, they didn't just kick their food; the "kid" is the one who made the first physical contact. The guy shoved him away and all three attacked him at once. An unprovoked attack, three against one. She kicked their asses because they wouldn't leave them alone after multiple warnings. I'll bet these "kids" won't be bothering strangers anytime soon. I doubt any cop would show sympathy since these are the type of idiot teens they have to deal with on a regular basis. We have all around where I live, and the cops are sick of them.

  16. I like this one.

  17. I'm with Baku on this, noma. It was a fairly clear case of self-defense. The kids were messing with them and refused to leave them alone after several non-violent warnings. They escalated the violence and then were beating up on a date in a "game" of three-to-one. Perhaps if the place had been less isolated, the OP could have called the cops to break the fight up or gotten help some other way, but she did what she had to do to put a stop to the violence.

    The date taking a kick at the kid on the ground, though, was completely unnecessary and obviously an attempt at restoring his pride.

  18. Walk away so, what, they can attack from behind instead? I think if they're old enough to be legally tried as adults in court (and at 16, they are), they can be treated as such in this type of scenario. It's not a preschool class gone bad, we're talking teenagers looking for trouble here.

    Way to go OP. I'm not big on violence in the least, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to defend yourself. Sounds like you certainly have better reflexes than I do!

  19. I would have kicked the chap on the ground too, maybe even a good ole stomping for extra points. I would have then burned his parents house to the ground and salted the earth so nothing would grow there for 16 years.

    Don't mess with my food.

  20. 1: This story is clearly made up. 2: Why would two adults stay around to fight with a bunch of high-schoolers? Just pack up your stuff and go somewhere else. It's not worth getting arrested for assault.

  21. ^ 1: How is this "clearly" made up? It's not at all far-fetched considering the way teens act today. There's always someone who will shout "bullshit!" even when the story is perfectly plausible. 2: I doubt the "kids" would have just left them alone if they had tried to walk away. They were looking for a fight so they could show the world how badass they were, and they probably would have pushed until they got one.

  22. This story is one of the biggest piles of bullshit that I've read on this site.

  23. I agree with Anonymous above; this didn't happen. And as for the whole "I'm going to make up an epic story and then mention that I'm still dating this person/going on a second date with them to leave the gullible idiots at a cliffhanger" is getting really old. If you're going to make something up, could you at least make it sound somewhat believable?

  24. People taking these self defense courses are always seeing their next attacker around the corner.

    Silly and poorly written high school creative writing exercise.

    "and tapped Brendan's ankle with his foot." That's not a sentence. And, it doesn't make any sense. Next time make it with three escaped prisoners.

  25. Kicking someone on the ground as a tactic to discourage the other two and disable the guy you're kicking is perfectly acceptable.

    I would also like to hear Noma's opinion after she gets jumped by three 16 year olds. I bet it would sound very different through her bludgeoned face. Maybe the children could even get her charged for accidentally hitting a minor as she was falling to the ground.

  26. Who serves lemonade with lasagna?

  27. ^^^ You make a good point 11:15. I bet the lemonaid is what attracted the kids to the date in the first place. Kids just love lemonade!

  28. no matter what anyone else says, OP you are badass! hail OP!

  29. I'm surprised that no one has claimed that the lemonade + lasagna combination proves that this story is false.


    The nay-sayers obviously don't live in Baltimore, DC, or Detroit.

  30. ^ Oh, it's not the "these little punks ruined our picnic" that makes this story bullshit. It's the whole "Oh, by the way, did I mention I know karate? My date tried to do his part, and I giggled to myself that he tried, but I broke one of their arms and the other two were on the ground in 15 seconds. I made them cry. When my date was wanting to continue beating them, I took the high road and said 'no, that's enough.' I suddenly realized I had more lasagna at my house in the fridge. Good thing ninjas keep leftovers! Tee hee."

    Total bullshit.

  31. My bullshitometer is off the charts.

  32. If you and brendan don't work out, you can administer your harsh justice to me any day.

  33. Seven-Thirty8/09/2010 5:40 AM

    Hard to swallow this one.

  34. ^Like lasagna and lemonade.

  35. ^ Or the guy's load, after eating lasagna and lemonade.

  36. Clearly "Elena" is the name the OP uses when he is dressed as a woman. Obviously three male teenagers saw two men having a picnic together, one dressed as a woman, and in the insecurity of their nascent masculinity decided to do some gay bashing. Problem was that adult gay men who work out and do TKD are not easy prey for teenage boys. Way to go, "Elena" and Brendan!

  37. ^ made me laugh :) Treat yourself to a cookie. Fatass.


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