Anything You Say Can and Will Be Used Against You

Submitted by Jeremy:

Roseanne was a girl I met online.  She was an editor for a fashion magazine, and, I thought luckily in my case, seemed to be attracted to blue-collar guys.

When we met, she extended her hand and shook mine, and I have to say that I'd be hard-pressed to find a guy with a firmer handshake than the one that she had.  I don't know why that stuck out, but it seemed unusual.

What was most unusual, though, came next.  She pulled out a small digital recorder and asked me if it was okay if she audio-taped the date.

This took me aback.  I asked her, "Like, research for an article or something?"

She explained, "I've had some really wacko dates recently, so it's for my protection and yours."

"How will it protect me?  From what?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "It's mostly to protect me.  You're a guy.  You don't need protection."

This didn't sound right, so I said, "I'm not really up for having our conversations recorded.  I'll be guarded with what I say, and the whole time I'm going to be wondering if you're going to use what I say against me somehow.  No."

She replied, "It's going to be recorded, or there's going to be no date."

I shrugged, perfectly willing to let this one slide right by.  "Suit yourself.  Have a good night."

I turned and left her there.  I heard her say, "You're such an asshole," but I ignored her.  Anything I would've responded probably would've ended up in her magazine, or in court, or being told to a council of stuffed animals.


  1. crazy bicth

  2. "Uptown girl
    You know I can't afford to buy her pearls
    But maybe someday when my ship comes in
    She'll understand what kind of guy I've been
    And then I'll win"

    Tho I guess you won already on this one - I bet she was doing some research, but didn't want to admit it.

  3. "Council of Stuffed Animals." Classic!

  4. I wonder if she has the recorder on when she gets laid?

  5. ^ You typed "Thank you" without a space, used unnecessary capitalization on the word "just", failed to use capitalization on the word "I", and didn't use correct punctuation.

    Proper sentence: Thank you; I just realized I spelled bitch wrong, yet no one has said a thing! Pay attention to details, bitches!

    How's that for paying attention to detail?

  6. "You're a guy. You don't need protection."

    So basically she was saying to you that you could have rode her bareback if you just dealt with the recording thing. Your loss. Do you have the gheys?

  7. Sawyer, were you drunk off your ass when you wrote that first sentence? Jesus Christ, 4:47 was more coherent than you were!

    To keep with our memes, I'd say you dodged a crazy bullet, OP!

  8. ^That was totally the first thing I wrote and then was like, "Nah, that sounds weird." Sounds better when someone else types it...

    Also, someone should do cartoons of all the different kinds of bullets abcotd submitters have dodged. Fat bitch bullets. Crazy bitch bullets. Obsessed-with-cats dude bullets....

    In my mind, they kinda look like the bullets from "Who Shot Roger Rabbit?".

  9. Thanks OP for the "council of stuffed animals"-awesome.

  10. Yep, "council of stuffed animals" clinched it for me; we have a winnah!

  11. When I read "council of stuffed animals" I thought "laaame". But whatever.


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