Wipe Out

Submitted by Ryan:

Ashley and I met online, talked, seemed to be a good match, and arranged a first date.  We agreed that I would pick her up at her house.

Unfortunately, earlier in the day, I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me, because by the time I had left work and made it to Ashley's I had to use a restroom.  Badly.

She pointed me in the direction of her upstairs bathroom, and I went right for it.  Ahhhh...

What I failed to notice upon entering was that there was a tiny bit of toilet paper left.  Thinking that spare rolls must have been stored under the sink or inside of a cabinet nearby, I didn't think much of it at the moment.

I opened the cabinet under the sink.  Nothing.  A white wicker cabinet hung above the toilet.  I opened it.  No dice.  Panic set in.

I had no choice.  I called for her.  "Ashley!  Do you have any extra toilet paper?"

No answer.  I called louder.  She ran upstairs.  On the other side of the door, she asked, "Oh my God, what's wrong?"

I said, "I... uh... I may need some toilet paper."

"That's it?  The way you were shouting, it sounded like someone got murdered."

Well I had just murdered her toilet, but that was besides the point.  "Do you have extra toilet paper?" I asked. 

She said, "Yeah, it's in the attic.  Do you need it now?"

The attic seemed like a curious place to keep spare toilet paper.  More curious than that was her question regarding whether or not I needed it now.  No, I need it next week.

"Yes," I answered, "I'd like it now."

She told me to hold on.

Fifteen minutes later, she came back.  "We don't have any more.  Sorry."

Crap.  I asked, "Do you have any tissues?  Paper towels?"

"Yeah, why?" she said, as if she truly didn't understand why I was asking her.

"Okay.  Can you grab some for me?"

"Did you spill something?" she asked.

"No.  Can you grab them?"

"What did you spill?"

"Just grab them!"

A minute or so later, she knocked on the bathroom door.  I wobbled over to it, pants around my ankles, and stuck my hand out.  She handed me a dish towel.

I asked her, "Do you have any paper products?  I have to... you know... I need it for toilet paper."

"No," she said, her voice rising with impatience, "Just hurry up!"

The hell with it, I thought, this is crazy.  I grabbed the towel and closed the door.  I then wiped myself with the towel, after which it looked like something you'd find on the floor of an auto body shop.  I threw it into the bathtub, flushed the toilet, turned the shower on, washed as much as I could off of the towel, wrung it out, washed my hands copiously, and opened the door.

There she was.  "Where's the towel?" she asked.

I offered to put in the the laundry for her, or, possibly, to replace it.

She asked, "Why?  What did you do with it?"

I thought that my reasons for requesting toilet paper or paper products would have been crystal clear.  However, because she didn't figure that out, I was in trouble.  I thought of every excuse I could, but nothing would really explain the darn stains on the dish towel that may or may not come out in the wash.  Also, I tended to doubt that they'd ever use it to dry dishes again, no matter how much it was washed.  I had to fess up.

I did, and Ashley was not pleased.  "What the hell were you thinking?" she demanded, "You're a sicko!  Get out of my house!"

I know for a fact that I had told her that I needed something to use as toilet paper.  Could I have been much clearer?  The date was over before it began, and if she didn't keep her spare toilet paper in the attic (or had spare toilet paper to begin with) then it all could have been avoided. 


  1. You are the bad date here.

  2. What a ditz she was.

  3. Seven-thirty7/04/2010 12:50 PM

    The OP failed to pass the anal retentive phase of the relationship.

  4. No, he was too anal expulsive.

  5. Anon 12:38 - LMAO


  6. Sounds like you were too pooped to go out anyway.

  7. You dodged a bullet there buddy... imagine when she forgot to take her birth control because she didn't need to birth anytime soon.

    I would have used her towel and not bothered to wash it. I simply would have walked out the front door without trying to explain anything.

  8. taking a crap at a strangers house on a first date is an epic fail. you had a million other options. that shitty situation could have easily been avoided.

  9. Though she's utterly brain-dead dumb for not catching on, it would not have hurt you to have just told her that you needed to wipe your ass (in far gentler terms of course). Yes, there are people that dumb out there. I used to work at call centers were I'd get called up by people who would cry that their computers wouldn't turn on. Turns out the damn thing was unplugged. I got these calls very frequently.

  10. LOL OP this is my favourite story in AGES. Thanks for redeeming the site :D

  11. Washing yourself in the sink didn't seem like a good idea OP?
    Then towel to dry yourself off.

  12. Why couldn't you just tell her you were going to be a few minutes late because an emergency at work came up? Then stop off at a fast food joint on the way over to her place to do your business. Yes, she was borderline retarded (if the story went down the way you said it did), but I agree with 2:46 that this easily could have been avoided.

  13. Nikki and 2:46, you guys are unreasonable. The OP had abadcaseoftheshits. As a woman, I know I'm not alone in saying that I have had a sudden crap-attack without warning or reason. Plus you think that the girl would not have been pissed that he called and said "I'll be a few minutes late" and then the pooing takes half an hour? Yeah his date would've been pissed about that!
    OP, date people that aren't bothered by the fact that you had to poo. Prissy dipshit Ashley poos just like everyone else too, but apparently she doesn't wipe.

  14. I agree with anon at 11:26. Shit happens.

  15. I'm totally down with the idea that when you've got a bad case of the shits, you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm also with you, 11:26, that the date was a total 'tard about the whole situation, but it's my solid belief that if you know you're at Deathcon 1 with your poo, and you're about to go on your first date with someone, you do whatever you need to in order NOT to poo in his/her home. We've seen how that can go horribly, horribly wrong on this site already.

    So she's mad you're late for your first date; most people are rational enough to understand that when you say "I have a work emergency, I'm sorry" that it's no big deal. When you say, "I shit all over your bathroom, and it smells like I killed a diseased moose in here," it's a turn-off. Sad but true.

  16. @ Anon 7:33 - Never post on this site again. My brain hurt just trying to read the poor excuse for a comment that your chubby meat fists pounded out with excruciatingly little precision. Seriously.

    @ OP - Am I the only one that feels this date was one of those "Now that I see you, I don't want to go on this date and will act like a complete idiot to get out of it" situations? She knew exactly what you wanted and needed but decided to make you suffer in hopes that your embarrassment would end the date. When that didn't work, she had to call you a sick-o and kick you out. It was a total set-up. But seriously, a detour through McDonald's fine restroom was definitely in order. Better luck next time.

  17. Any one else see a striking resemblance to the movie Along Came Polly here?

  18. As a member in good standing of the IBS community, let me tell you that sometimes a poo comes about so quickly that you have almost NO TIME to react, much less plan a route to the nearest fast food joint. Nothing feels worse than this, especially if you are in a situation where you can't make a speedy escape. Ever since I had an unfortunate "incident" on a city bus, I no longer take routes longer than 15 minutes. I feel for the OP- I probably would have had a panic attack in the same situation.

    1. You don't even have IBS for that to happen. I've gone from "Hmm, which laundry detergent is cheapest?" to "I need a bathroom NOW!" with no warning except for a slight tummy gurgle right before the urge. Hubby has been in stores and had to throw away his underwear when he didn't make it to the bathroom in time.

  19. ^I am sure you paid your dues in legal tender and all, but OP could have spared the 15 min. No mention of previous IBS. When in doubt, spell it out; never know when you are dealing with a genuine airhead. Or a genuine shit-for-brains, for that matter.

  20. Architect - That is an excellent point. I hate the idea of living in a world where there is someone so incredibly dense that she can't guess that someone who asks for toilet paper is using her toilet and NEEDS TOILET PAPER. If it WAS an escape tactic, then it's one of the most elaborate and ballsy we've seen on here in some time.

  21. Nikki, I think that's what we have to believe. The only other explanation I can think of would be something like this: (Fizziks can assist if need be) There are two kinds of infinite space in this life; one is the vastness of the universe and how it encompasses all. The other is the infinitely small space between the two dots this chick's brain could not manage to connect.

  22. If you really want to experience the vastness of the eternal void, sit lotus-style in front of my pudenda mandala and say 'Om'.

    The echos may cause permanent ear damage, tho.

  23. The scary part is that the brainiac in question may someday breed.

  24. That's pretty weird. I can't see how she failed to catch on.

    That said, if someone used my towel to wipe their arse, I'd be pissed off. Next time, check for loo paper first or, stop somewhere else and make sure you're ok before going to her place.

  25. ^ He did check for loo paper. There wasn't any.

    In the guy's defense, he may not have had to shit until he arrived at the house and suddenly had to go. If I wasn't already in the house and greeting her, I would have just down a drive-by and took off hoping to find some kind of escape or foliage.

    Another help, when you think you might have to shit bad in the next hour because you're feeling funny, suck down a cigarette real fast, that livens things up enough to get it out of the way early. I used to live in Northern VA and leaving work if I felt funny, I'd do that. Otherwise the two hour traffic would have been even worse.

  26. You're at fault for taking a shit at someone's house you barely knew, thats just tacky. Like someone commented before you could have said you would be a few minutes late because of an emergency.


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