Douse the Sky with Stars

Submitted by Heather:

Jeremy was adamant from the get-go about stargazing on our date.  Having some experience, the first thing I thought was that it was an excuse to have me alone in the dark.  I don't mean to self-flatter, but 100% of the few other times that the idea has been floated in prior circumstances, that's what the guy had meant.

Jeremy was sure to head me off at the pass with, "This isn't an excuse to mess around.  I honestly want to stargaze."  The guy was very friendly and seemed likable, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The night of the date, it was cloudy, so it made stargazing a non-issue.  Or so I thought.

"I know a place where the sky is clear," he said, "It's out in the country."

I told him that I didn't really want to drive out in the country with him on a first date.  No offense.  Also, in retrospect, how could you know of a place where the sky was clear, out in the country?  Something's fishy...

But he was equal to it.  "It's okay.  I know of another place.  Not too far from here."

There were a lot of clouds that night, but maybe he had access to some advanced weather data.  Or maybe he was lying.  Either way, we had dinner, during which he told me about how he was trying to invent a vegetarian flavor that tasted like bacon.

"But you know all about the taste of bacon, don't you?" he asked me.

I asked him what he was talking about.  He said, "You know.  Vagina."  Hmmm.

Stargazing time.  It was still cloudy.  He led me up to a hill in a park near a traffic circle.  "Here's a good spot," he said, under the trees, under the clouds.

When I informed him that I didn't think that we'd see any stars, much less much sky from that position, he said, "I've got them right here..." and he unzipped his pants.

Finding it hard to maintain composure, I warned him that anything he showed me from his pants was liable to be torn off.  That stopped him, and he asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him that I wanted to go home and have some ice cream.

He asked if he could come.  I told him no.


  1. Boooorrinnggg


    This was the best you could come up with? Even worse it was posted?

  2. Nonsense. This was great. @10:30, just because nothing was blown up or bled to death doesn't make it was a bad post. It sounds like an actual date with a completely unevolved young guy, much like yourself, I imagine. And I hope that the OP really did say that about anything visible from the pants possibly being torn off; if she didn't, I imagine that sometime in the near future I will have to do so myself.

  3. So much for honestly wanting to stargaze. At least you were smart enough not to go out in the country with him!


  4. Yeah, I'm still stuck on bacon vag, myself. Is that what he imagines it tastes like? Because his technique doesn't lend me to believe he's got any practical experience.

  5. Mmm bacon.
    If they really did smell of bacon I wouldn't fear them so much.. Maybe that guy secretly liked pigs a little too much?

  6. Seven-thirty7/04/2010 10:00 AM

    Healthy vagina smells good. Shame so many women replace all their natural odors with artificial chemicals.

  7. ^ You mean like a bacon cologne? Where can one find this bacon cologne?

    I did find this:

  8. 12:36 are you a girl who hates bacon? or a guy who loves it?


  10. I've heard the taste of ladyparts be compared to many different things, depending upon the ethnicity (racist but true), hygiene skills, and diet of the lady in question, but I've never, in all my travels, heard of any one with a vagina that tasted/smelled like BACON.

    I hope to goodness that the date was just ridiculously inexperienced with pussies and not that the only girl he's ever been with has a bacon-flavored vag.

    Wait...wait a second! Fizziks, is this guy one of your former boyfriends?!

  11. Understands English & Has Gaydar7/05/2010 3:19 PM

    11:21 - do you not have good reading comprehension skills, or were you trying to make a joke?

  12. Pffft, Nikki, please. As everyone knows, my venus flytrap is delicately scented with Old Bay and burnt popcorn. Don't ask.

  13. The Old Bay I understand--everyone likes a spicy, salty vagina--but the burnt popcorn smell always flashed me back to my college dorm days and the overly sensitive microfridge I owned. No amount of Febreeze will eradicate that stench.

  14. Someone replaced this with the real thing: http://bit.ly/99vAcM

    PS - can you believe that I can get to that site at work but not Post Punk Kitchen????

  15. This guy just can't think of anything higher than what people do with their "lowers." In fact, this fellow thinks WITH his "lowers." Good riddance to bad rubbish!

  16. ^OoooOooohhhhh, impressions!! That was a great 'Veddy Brittish Lady', can you also do 'Appalachian Meth Addict'?

  17. ^I thought the date was doing a pretty good impression of that, frankly. ;)

  18. Bacon?

    Everyone knows it tastes like a 9V battery.

  19. mikethemotormouth7/15/2010 7:07 AM

    i wish it tasted like bacon
    i would be down there from sunrise to sunset

  20. Bacon. Really? I wonder if he took raw bacon and applied thick meaty layers to the couch seat cushion crack to practice with a woman. The conflict of his sexual impulses with being vegetarian makes him the Bacon Bill of the Veg world. You could have been thrown down Fizzik's vag holding a poodle hostage!

    If bacon tasted like pussy I would have died of heart disease years ago.

  21. @Fizziks: Old bay and burnt popcorn? Sounds like your vag does stadium seating for the nursing home. After watching "Avatar" a few times do they go further south for the CiCi's buffet?

  22. @Nikki, true. Burnt popcorn isn't awful, but it is, it does something disturbing. I could be passed out but the faintest scent of burnt popcorn wakes and alerts me. Not because of fire, just, "arg wtf!"

    It's like if you have to Macguyver smelling salts.

  23. Anyone else feel like there's a big part missing between the vagina comment and the start of stargazing?

    Why did you continue after that? Did you state that you're bisexual earlier or something to bring up the vagina Pepsi Challenge (tm)?


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