Submitted by Stephen:
Last semester I was walking through the quad when I saw the hottest girl I had ever seen in my life. She looked like Megan Fox and Adriana Lima had blended all of their best parts together and intensified themselves by a thousand.
I would have killed myself if I didn't ask her out, so I ran up to her and asked her to dinner out of the blue. She seemed flattered, said that she was hungry right then and there, and knew a great place around the corner. I was on cloud nine.
On the way, she told me that her name was Chloe and she majored in general studies. I asked her exactly what a general studies major was and she replied, "Oh, it's for the people who aren't smart enough to go here but have rich parents who donate lots of money to the college." Okay, so she wasn't a genius, but she still seemed like a cool girl.
Chloe lead me into a restaurant with wall decor that probably cost more than my parents' house. We were seated immediately, and the prices on the menu almost made me vomit. Still, I really wanted to impress Chloe and not look like a cheapskate.
During the whole dinner, Chloe talked about how hot she was. She said that she was only in college because her father refused to pay for her modeling portfolio unless she got a degree. All that she wanted to do was, "model, booze it up with my besties, and date hot rich guys."
Right as the food came, she got a text from a girl who was apparently an, "ugly, jealous, hater bitch," and she spent a good 20 minutes texting back and forth with this girl. As I ate my tiny, overpriced meal, Chloe explained that this girl was jealous of Chloe's beauty and the fact that a bunch of guys had been hitting on Chloe at a club that weekend. The girl went on to say that Chloe could never make it as a model (in her defense, Chloe looked better than many models I've seen).
At that point, I had made up my mind that the date had been a bad idea. Before we parted ways, she asked if I wanted her number. When I said no, she totally flipped and starting screeching at me in this high pitched voice. I couldn't understand a word she said. I took off.
Lesson learned: date average girls.
For asking a random girl on the street out, that didn't go as badly as I thought it might.
ReplyDelete^Agreed, plus you got things out of the way pretty fast so now you know and can get over her.
ReplyDeleteOP: So U of R still hasn't changed huh?
Also, it's not about dating "average girls", just not douchettes. There are plenty of beautiful women out there with amazing hearts to match. I know, I've ripped them out and ate them with a side of cheez-whiz and gummi worms.
Ok, OP here, Jared took out some stuff at the end. I actually went back to this girl's house and had sex with her. It was bad sex, and that made it much worse than Jared made it sound.
ReplyDelete^ Don't know if you're the real one, 'cause throughout the whole story, you already sounded like a loser.
ReplyDeleteIt's rare to find a super hottie that isn't a complete "douchette". Like that episode of 30 Rock where Liz dates the super hot guy. They just go around in this bubble and the world bends to accommodate them. For example: The hottie in this post was walking down the street thinking "I'm hungry" and some guy runs up to her and begs to take her out. God I love reality....and there is no way the OP banged this chick.
ReplyDeleteThis story read like a 14 year old overnight assignment of what he did in the summer.
ReplyDeleteWho would have suspected that some gorgeous girl that agrees to go out with a stranger right away wasn't OP's True Love but instead a superficial harpy? Le Sigh.
ReplyDeleteThe only circumstances I can imagine Jared editing sex out of a story would be if the clumsy descriptors gave OP away as an utter virgin.
I am the real OP, and I don't know why he edited the sex out. I still have a copy of the email I sent him. Here's the last paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteAfter dinner, Mandy invited me to her place. She lived in a high rise condo near the college. When we got there, she asked if I wanted a blow job. Being the dumb college guy that I am, I said yes. She was actually rather bad, so we had sex instead, but that wasn't really satisfying either.
Before I left, she asked if I wanted her number. When I said no, she totally flipped and starting screeching at me in this high pitched voice. I couldn't understand a word she said. I ran out the door and to the elevator before she could catch me.
putting that in makes you out to be a complete dickhead. Can you not see why he left it out?
ReplyDeleteeveryone here is wrong, you are all dumb. i came to ABCoDs to argue with people about stuff that doesnt matter at all because im having a bad case of living life and i feel the need to yell at anonymous people in order to inflate my poorly deflated ego!
ReplyDeleteI am a complete dickhead, I'll admit that. I just think that was crucial to the story and I'm not sure why it was omitted.
ReplyDeleteAlso, sorry I posted the girl's real name.
And to Cluracan 13, I don't even know what U of R is. I got to Mississippi State.
^Gosh, I'm so very sorry I posted that girl's actual name! Let me let you know what school we go to, too - that will make up for it!
ReplyDeleteAt this point, why don't you also post a link to her Facebook page?
I am the real OP. I totally had bad sex with her, which is the only reason I sent it here. Otherwise the story is not that good, it's better with the sex (bad sex).
ReplyDeleteI still see her around so I'm not going to give her facebook, just incase we hook up again.
She is stuck up and bad sex.
Perhaps, on a slow day in the future we can look forward to Jared publishing a compendium of the most hilarious editing decisions he confronted.
ReplyDeleteAt least this girl knows how it goes. Guy pays for dinner, girl puts out. Most hotties think they're too good to give up the vag. This one wasn't a total bitch like most.
ReplyDeleteJared is a little zealous with his editing of OP dates with 'carnal contact'.
ReplyDeleteIn his formative years Jared's dominating mother accompanied him on dates and took notes. Jared edited these notes for his blog and removed any indication of sex, as that would be weird.
This fine tradition continues to this day
Jupiter's Cock!
ReplyDeleteI think Jared really only edited out the part that was obviously fake. That you went up to some random hottie and took her out for a free meal, who could dispute that? But that you went back to her place for a BJ and some sex after just meeting her, well that's another story. Submit that lame shit to Penthouse next time.
ReplyDelete@ Alleged OP: So let me get this straight. The point of this story...*sigh*
ReplyDelete...Was that in the end you had "bad sex" and that's why it's a better story? So you're a bad person, a bad lay, and a bad judge of a story. Do you succeed at anything other than exploring the nether reaches of Douchocity?
Oh and you fat! you fat beetch! you bling home bacon eat it arr! bling glate shame and dishonor to yo ancestahss!
Um... I don't know who those anonymous people are, but there was no extra paragraph. Obviously I didn't sleep with her. You are all very strange...
ReplyDeleteI did totally bang her Mom though!!!
Milf!Milf!Milf!Milf!Milf!
Ahahaha! I love this new abcotd meme where anons pretend to be the OP and add ridiculous Penthouse Letters excerpts to the story. This is a fine running gag, in the vein of "fat bitch," "dodged a bullet," "a bad case of the gheys," "a bad case of the rapes," and spelunking in Fizziks' vagina. :D
ReplyDelete^All of those things DID happen in Fizzik's Vagina. Where do you think "Oz" was filmed?
ReplyDeleteI THOUGHT that cell block looked familiar!
ReplyDeleteI thought that cell block smelled familiar!
ReplyDeleteI love how people here think the OP couldn't have slept with her. Just because they have never boned a hot chick they'd only met that day, doesn't mean the OP didn't.
ReplyDeleteI think its quite likely he did, as its pretty much a rule that the hotter the chick, the more likely she is to be a bad lay.
Damn, Jason, I must be pretty ugly then. ;)
ReplyDelete