In England, These Are Called, "Wankers"

Submitted by Laura:

After a couple of messages via a dating site, Phil sent me a drunken e-mails around midnight, telling me how amazing he thought I was and how much he couldn’t wait to meet me.

This was followed by another e-mail sent at 9am, apologising for being, “a bit drunk the previous night,” and sending embarrassing e-mails.

I was slightly concerned, but everyone does daft things occasionally, so I still agreed to meet him.

When I got to our meeting place, I didn’t recognise him at all: he had lied about his height (definitely not over 6 feet tall.  Why lie about that?  It's not like I wouldn't find out in person!) and didn’t look like his photo.

The first thing he said was, “Sorry, I’m wearing the wrong trousers.”  Huh?  I suggested a bar over the river, so we walked found an outdoor table on the South Bank.

He went to get the drinks, and while he was gone, I got a call from a mate asking if I was free to go to a gig that night.  I said that I was on a date that already didn’t seem to be going too well, but I couldn’t really get away.

Phil came back as I put the phone away and asked if that was my “emergency call from a friend.”  I thought it a tactless thing to bring up. 

I explained what the call had been about, and he told me that he’d told his mates about me and that they thought that we should get married, as I also liked rock music and had a tattoo.

The final straw was when he knocked the remainder of my pint over a silk handbag my sister had bought me as a gift from Vietnam. I dashed off to try to dry it.

When I got back, he valiantly tried to continue the conversation, but when he offered me another drink, I just couldn’t face carrying on.

I still can’t quite believe that I managed to do this, but I said, “Sorry, I don’t want to waste my time or yours, but I’m going to go now.”

He said, “Right, okay,” and made as if to walk back to the tube with me.  Gah, awkward!  I made the excuse of stopping to call my mate, and thankfully he took the hint and, waving over his shoulder in my vague direction, he walked off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

Phew. The whole date start to end took 20 minutes, including a walk over the Thames... a record surely?


  1. OP sounds cuntish

  2. So he liked you enough to send you an email when he was drunk (guys only think of you when they're drunk if they like you), and he accidentally knocked over his drink which got all over your precious little purse. I'm ignoring the rest, because truly it was just a bunch of bitching and whining.

    This guy really doesn't sound so bad. It sounds like you would have just rather gone out with your friends instead of continuing the date, so you ended it. Glad you didn't let this guy waste time on you.

  3. getting major superbitch vibes off this one

  4. oh, is the story over? really?! cause i was waiting for her to come out with some "horrible, horrible" thing that he did to make this qualify as a "bad" date. yeah, sounds to me like a case of a superficial broad that is highly stuck on herself, and would have been more of a waste of HIS time versus hers. so he wasn't over 6'..who cares?! he was taller than you, probably in heels too! and too BROAD of a description about his looks...NOBODY looks EXACTLY like their pics ALL the time..maybe he cut his hair a little, or let it grow a little, maybe he was trying out a lil facial hair..you never said he looked different in a bad way..so, what's the big deal??!! are you sure that HE's not the one that ended the date because YOU didn't look (in a good way) anything like YOUR pics?! (i'm starting to believe that version..would make more sense, given her vagueness)

    yep, i have to agree with the rest of the crew..just sounds like a superb*tch.

  5. Wow. Everybody hates you.

  6. I don't. I'm just glad it didn't turn into one of those where the op should have left at psycho-act nr 1, but instead stayed to watch the nutcase get arrested/pee themselves/try to assault them.

  7. Ignore the misogyny, OP. Women posters get lumped into three basic categories here: bitch/cunt, doormat, & whore. Bitch gets applied to any woman who is assertive and follows her instincts, so you know you're doing something right in this story. Kudos to you for not sticking around when you knew it wasn't going to work.

  8. Anonymous above is a tool. The guy was nice enough to leave 20 minutes into the date without any fuss or problems whatsoever, after buying a round of drinks.

    If you buy your date a drink, and don't expect anything in return, you're a good date.

  9. Exactly, Peter. She decided it wasn't working and didn't waste his time or money further. And if she had stayed, all the Mel Gibson wannabes here would be blaming her for trying to skive more drinks off a guy she wasn't interested in, because it's all about who pays for lunch here, and what the woman owes in "trade" for one measly drink.

  10. I personally only give handies when I've got a wart or two. Then at least it is a fair trade.

  11. I'll say it, she owes him $7.50 and the courtesy to not post her story of him as a bad date.

  12. By that logic, he owes her a new purse. They could probably call it even though.

  13. I'm guessing the drink was roughly the same as the dry cleaning bill for the silk bag, so they're square. A less-than-great match? Sure. Bad date? Not especially.

  14. I feel like the story of the date was based in reality but the whole British thing was completely made up.

  15. no, you really do sound like a cunt.

    A guy with a few beers in him expresses exitement to meet you. Poor you. He even apologised the next day. Sounds like a good dude - not only is he complementary when he is drunk, he also apologises for (hardly terrible) behaviour. Phil 2, Laura 0.

    you were "slightly concerned" that somebody expressed their (drunken) feelings of excitement about meeting you?

    Phil 2, Laura -1.

    "everyone does daft things occasionally, so I still agreed to meet him"

    Wow - a massive service to humanity. Phil 2, Laura -2.

    Lying about appearance, minus 2 points for Phil.
    Phil 0, Laura -2

    "He went to get the drinks"

    Phil 1, Laura -2.

    "I said that I was on a date that already didn’t seem to be going too well, but I couldn’t really get away"

    Hadn't even gotten the first drinks in, and you'd already decided it wasn't going well.

    Phil 1, Laura -4

    "my “emergency call from a friend.” I thought it a tactless thing to bring up"

    That is called "banter" - he engaged in a bit of banter because the whole affair was probably made uncomfortable by the fact you'd judged him already.

    I judge him as an average bloke excited about a date, buying a girl drinks, and engaging in banter to try lift the awful mood you took with you.

    Phil 3, Laura -5

    "he told me that he’d told his mates about me and that they thought that we should get married, as I also liked rock music and had a tattoo"

    probably a bit much for banter, but he's trying to identify common ground. -1 for Phil for delivery.

    Phil 2, Laura -5

    "The final straw was when he knocked the remainder of my pint over a silk handbag my sister had bought me as a gift from Vietnam."

    An accident, not a "final straw". A "final straw" is when he picks his nose and flicks it at you, or calls the waiter a cunt. Bumping a pint over is just an excuse for a bitch who didn't want to be there to try make Phil look bad.

    where the bag came from has no relevance whatsoever.

    minus 1 for phil for being a bit clumsy, minus 2 for you for being such a cow about it.

    Phil 1, Laura -7

    "he valiantly tried to continue the conversation ... I just couldn’t face carrying on."

    + 1 for phil for trying, -1 for you for giving up over a spilled pint and a little awkward conversation.

    Phil 2, Laura -8

    "He said, “Right, okay,” and made as if to walk back to the tube with me"

    As far as I know, it would be a gentlemanly thing to do to ensure that you got to your destination safely. +1 to Phil for chivalry.

    Phil 3, Laura -8

    "Phew. The whole date start to end took 20 minutes, including a walk over the Thames... a record surely?"

    20 whole minutes? You must be a super bitch. I'm guessing 5 mins for him to get the pints in, 5 minutes for you to wash your hand bag, and maybe 5 minutes travel to and from the pub. So in what is possibly 5 minutes of awkward conversation you've completely blown this guy off as some sort of loser. 2 point deduction.

    Phil 3, Laura -10

    Based on my analysis, you were the bad date, not Phil.

  16. @Roaster: Dude/dudette, why the hell don't you comment more often, I enjoyed reading the above more than I did about the bad date, hell about most of the dates here.

  17. Roaster, you put an awful lot of time into that post. Are you trying to avoid working on a term paper that's due tomorrow, or something similar?

  18. "Sorry I'm wearing the wrong trousers". Was he making a Wallace and Gromit reference?

  19. Sounds like an average guy, awkward communicator, a little graceless, generally pleasant and undemanding. He definitely dodged a bullet!

  20. Did anyone read the part where he said he thought the ought to GET MARRIED? Because that would have creeped the hell out of me on a first date.

  21. Far be it from me to not come down like a ton of bricks on an OP, but everyone seems to be forgetting a very important ingredient; the whole "over six feet" thing, and not looking like his pic.

    I agree that all things being equal, his individual actions are just those of a random nervous schlub, but when you figure in the lying to get a date, the whole thing takes on a new sad dimension.

    Bitch though the OP may be, she's off the hook right off the bat as soon as she has to deal with the fact that this sad loser had to lie to get a date with a bitch like her.

  22. ^ Most people say I don't look like I'm over 6' tall. I'm 6'2".

    And you're right; the guy should have put an uglier picture of himself on the dating website. I'm sure that would score him plenty of dates.

  23. Agreed 9:20. For all she knew, he could have been slouching....or for all we know he could have been a midget. I think it's fair to guess wildly in both directions.

    @ Roaster - I dub you the OFFICIAL DATE SCORE KEEPER. I thought your assessment was pretty on and I loved the break down of point by point. Keep up the good work! ;-)

  24. @2:17:
    "Women posters get lumped into three basic categories here: bitch/cunt, doormat, & whore."

    Let me add a 4th category; "boring as shit, but vain enough to think people care".

    You went on a 20 minute date with a guy who wasn't your type. He spilled a beer. You left.

    Thank god the internet gave you the opportunity to unburden yourself of this epic tale of humiliation and betrayal. Keeping it locked away must have been tearing you up inside. Having shared this dirty little secret, I hope you've at last found a small amount of peace.

  25. What's with all the wah-ngry men here ;)?

  26. Seven-thirty7/12/2010 7:03 PM

    Very good standard of comments this time round.

    Lying about physical attributes makes no sense. So Pipe Dream has a good point.

    7:43 may be right or wrong. The marriage quip all depends on how the guy delivered it. If it was clearly a joke, then it's not that big a deal.

    The OP did a good job of describing her rush to condemn the date. I have a feeling she came here to learn something and may be a better cunt/bitch/person for it.

  27. The marriage comment could go either way. I think if she was into him it would have been laughed off.

  28. ^ I think 8:43 just came. Tissue?

  29. OP needs to get over herself. Not gonna find someone with any amount of good chemistry if you don't.

    I think you owe Phil 20 minutes of his life back, or at least a second date.

  30. Dudes, the OP's story wasn't earthshaking, but she was rightly miffed. Guy was a loser. Now, if you don't think he was best-avoided material, I can see why you'd hang out here commenting about women being bitchy. Too close for comfort?

    And if y'all can't afford a $7.50 beer from time to time, wait till y'all have a divorce ;-)

  31. @ 12:36..everyone commenting is not a "dude"..i'm a "dudette", and i'm in complete agreement with everything "wrong" from her end of it. as roaster said (btw, big kudos on your review..nice! :)), she gave the guy and entire 5 minutes! she tried to downplay him entirely because she realized she wasn't attracted to him..that doesn't make him a "wanker". as mastiff says, this story wasn't even worthy...

  32. Roaster.... I love you.

  33. And you just KNOW that purse from Vietnam cost her a solid $350 so dude was a total douchebag. Oops, forgot the period; I meant $3.50.

  34. Architect: it's called a decimal point.

    Aleron: I love Roaster too.

    Anon 1 above: Awesome to see some cool chicks.

    Anon 2 above: Fuck you :)

  35. Clive Warren7/13/2010 5:22 PM

    The word "cunt" really turns me on...

    Has anyone mentioned bullet dodging?

  36. ^Yes, 6:53 was the first, but good job trying to make sure we stick to our memes. :)

  37. I agree with @9:17. My first impression as I read the post was that it was written by someone pretending to be British. There were way too many self-conscious Britishisms stuck in that didn't seem to flow naturally, and turns of phrase that sounded like an American putting on a phony tony accent.

    The thing I couldn't figure out was why. But after reading 9:17's comment I realiszed that it was probably someone taking extra pains to ensure that her story isn't recogniszed.

  38. Where's Phil's version?!?

    "I finally found a girl I thought was great. I was so excited for the date that, the night before, I got a little tipsy with friends and after telling them all about her, just couldn't contain my excitement anymore. I almost peed myself. I waited to get back into my house to send her an e-mail about how great I thought she was.

    The morning after, I felt a bit embarrassed... Sure, most people like being sent nice e-mails, but I didn't want to blow it with a girl I really liked. I sent her an apologetic e-mail.

    Later, I met her. I was so taken by her beauty, I accidentally blurted out something about my trousers being wrong, or, something... Ack. I really hope she didn't think anything of it. I was just so nervous. :(

    Once we sat down, I instantly asked what she wanted to drink, and I ran to the bar to get us drinks. I saw her using her phone, she was clearly judging me already. That made me so nervous. I really really liked this girl, I hoped to God I could keep her entertained with some nice banter.

    I kept trying to make some jokes to lighten her strange mood, but the more I tried, the more she slumped. I got so nervous telling a joke once, I accidentally knocked over a drink onto her purse! She took off to the bathroom. That's it. I blew it. I banged my head off the table 34 times while she was away washing her silky bag thing.

    She came back and just glared at me. Shit. The least I could do was offer to take her to the station. I really wanted to show her I can be less clumsy. Maybe walking side by side would make things better? Maybe I could think of some mental illness to cover it with so she pities me and gives me another chance? Maybe?

    She shook her head, made as if to call her friend. Oh God. She hates me. She hates me she hates me she hates me. Completely dejected and embarrassed for being such a twat and ruining her day (and her bag) I thought I should just run off and not look back at her. Shame. I actually liked her, too. :("

    That's probably what he thought of you, OP. Just for the record, I'm a girl, and I think you're the biggest c**t. People like you don't deserve nice guys for dates.


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