Baby, You Can't Drive My Car

Submitted by John:

A few minutes before our date, Traci called me up in a bit of a panic.  She had parked her car a couple of blocks from where we were meeting, and something had gone horribly wrong.  She asked if I could meet her at her car.

I was in for a shock.  Traci had attempted to drive her car through an alleyway that was just barely too thin for her car to drive through.  The front couple feet of her vehicle was in a bad state, dented and crumpled to hell.  Additionally, she had to have driven the car over the curb in order to have made it there in the first place.

She explained, "I wanted to make it to the parking lot on the other side of the buildings.  It looked big enough, so I figured, 'Why not?'"

I offered to reverse her car out of the alleyway for her, as a good portion of it was sticking out over the sidewalk.

She asked, "Is it going to scratch it any more?"

I said, "It might, but at this point, you're already banged up pretty badly."

"I don't need to be banged up any worse."

What a strange thing to say.  I replied, "But you do need it removed from this alleyway, right?"

She said, "Yes," and so I climbed in, turned it on, and backed it out of the alley.  It screeched to high heaven and then smashed down, off the curb.  I parked it on the street and took a look at it.  It was bad.  The headlights, bumper, sides, and even the hood were smashed pretty badly.

I advised her to drive it home, if she could (she lived close by), and bring it to a mechanic as soon as possible.  She asked me if it would be expensive, and I told her that it probably would be, but that she couldn't really drive it around in the state in which it was.

Glumly, she thanked me and drove away.


  1. Seven-thirty7/24/2010 12:35 PM

    "I don't need to be banged up any worse" makes perfect sense to me.

    Leaving the scene of traffic accident without contacting the police is misdemeanor in some states. You cannot turnover the police accident report to the insurance company, but maybe the woman didn't have anything but third party coverage.

    If the OP had been a gentleman, he would have followed her home and consoled her. Public demonstration of poor driving skills is a cause of erectile disfunction among men between 16 and 23. Are women orgasmic after minor traffic accidents?

  2. Oh, she wanted to be banged up alright...

  3. Women can't drive.

  4. leaving the scene of an accident where you have collided with someone's vehicle while they are operating it is a misdemeanor in a lot of states. When you hit a fixture, there is a separate law that states you should contact the owner by any reasonable means.

    If there's no damage done whatsoever to the property (and it sounds like she was just scraping up against brick), then there really wouldn't be any way to make a case against her.

  5. ^ Except... you know... the case that women shouldn't be driving...

  6. I am thinking her previous boyfriend taught her how to drive.
    It would explain why she failed to estimate six inches clearance

  7. @ 2:21 and 8:04 (assuming you're two different people) - Fuck you. I'm just about sick of this sexist bullshit in regards to women driving. I've seen more than enough men driving like retards to know it's not just women who can't drive. Driving well is like doing any other task; it depends on how much you care about what you're doing.

  8. ^ So women don't care much about driving, obviously.

  9. Sounds like Baku-chan is on her period. Better not let her drive; her cramps may lead her to cause an accident.

    Why are you out of the kitchen anyway, Baku-chan? Does your husband know you're on the computer? Less typing, more sammich-making.

  10. It's not about caring Baku, there are physical difficulties like womens boobs getting in the way of the wheel, the womanly instincts to cry and be hysterical after any minor disruption such as being over taken, cut off or not finding a parking space...

  11. Seven-thirty7/25/2010 4:33 AM

    Men have better spacial perception than women, but women are better drivers than men, if safety is important. Everyone knows young guys are more likely to drive drunk, speed, weave through traffic, etc. They're the killers on the road.

    The American Society of Actuaries has calculated PMS related parallel parking accidents into insurance premiums. The cost to society in terms of accidents and fatalities is much lower than crashes caused because men's eyes lock on to MILF or other fauna.

  12. A noni mouse7/25/2010 7:05 AM

    The womanly instincts to cry and be hysterical after any minor disruption? a) utter bollocks. yes, teenage girls that are learning to drive may be more likely to become upset after a 'minor disruption' but the women I know are perfectly capable of dealing with the normal conditions of driving and b) at least we don't get apoplectic with fury if someone cuts us off like many men do (including my boyfriend..) which is much more dangerous as it leads to risky behaviour

  13. @8:46 Ha!

    @Seven-Thirty: It's true, I've had to train myself not to careen out of control because of eye-candy. Then again, I'm half-Asian. Cauc-Asian if you will. So I can drive but only when there's 5000 bicycles and rikshaws around me.

  14. ^ This is also, of course, while you're speeding and blaring "chemical friendly" music while saying things like "It's not how you stand by your car, it's how you drive your car" or participating in "drifting." It's okay though, I understand if you live your life a quarter-mile at a time.

  15. Just to fresh everyones memory up, seeing as some time has passed since the 24th of July, 2 PM: woman. can't. drive.

  16. I love this comment thread! I'll be honest, every time someone driving in front of me does something completely stupid, I look at the driver and expect it to be a woman. I'm often surprised to find it's a guy but for some reason that still hasn't managed to change my expectation.

  17. Women are safer drivers, overall. Men and women actually have about the same amount of accidents, but men have more accidents that do serious damage.


  18. ^How about your mom's quifmuffins? She gives them out as a door prize at the naval yard.

    ...because she like's lots of...**wait for it**


  19. Why is it that Asians just aren't funny unless they're trying not to be? Like when they laugh... Their faces just make me think "GODZILLA!!!"

  20. LOVE the "Fast & Furious" reference!! <3

    I'm a terrible driver; I'll admit it. I don't have very good depth perception, although my spacial recognition has gotten better. I inherited a fiery Italian temper from my father, although driving a hybrid with a 1.8L engine has really cut down on the amount of aggressive driving I do. Also, my mom taught me how to drive, and SHE'S a terrible driver, so it's no wonder it took me several years to stop driving into other cars, curbs, etc.

    At least my PMS doesn't cause me to burst into tears when I can't parallel park...I do that anyway b/c I'm "sensitive."

  21. ^ Me too, but it's because I'm gay. I'm too busy texting my girlfriends and thinking about shopping. I can typically find a hot bear daddy to park my car for me though. This is of course before blowing him and having the pregnancy/AIDS sex with him in a public bathroom.

  22. *pout* I wish I had a hot bear daddy. :(


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