6/12/2010

Tasty Rattlesnake Snacks

Caitlin contacted me on a dating site.  She was an elementary school teacher, blond, and with a terrific set of blue eyes.  Her messages came across as enthusiastic and she was clearly interested in me.  More than that, we had a great rapport from the beginning, and she was quite the flirt.  We made plans to meet up at a seafood restaurant and I couldn't wait.

When I arrived at the place, I scanned the tables:

Old couple.

Young dude.

Two women.

Thirty-ish man with a girl who looked exactly like Caitlin.

Two old dudes.

Wait.

I caught Caitlin's eye and she walked over to me.  We went to her table and introduced me to Harvey, her older brother.  He was a stocky guy with dark eyes and an awfully firm handshake.  He didn't say a word as I sat down.

"So," Caitlin began, "I have some explaining to do.  Harvey's my brother.  It's been two years since I've been in a relationship, and I wanted to try out some new things–"

I said, "Not interested in a threesome, unless you have another sister."  I turned to Harvey.  "No offense."

Harvey frowned.

Caitlin laughed.  "Nothing like that!  No.  Can we, you and I," she pointed at me, "Just pretend that we're out on a date?  Like Harvey isn't here at all.  Just no touching or kissing or anything like that, of course."

I stared at her and glanced at Harvey, who had just flared his nostrils.  I said, "With your brother watching?  I don't understand why he's here."

Caitlin said, "How about just this, then... here..."  She reached across the table and clasped my hands.  She looked in my eyes and went on, "I had a really great time with you tonight.  I'd love to see you again."

"Uh... me too," I said, then took my hands away and stood up.  "I wish you the best of luck."

I left disappointed, but glad that she had revealed herself to be a loony early on.  That's far earlier than most people let me know.  If they let me know at all, that is.  Usually, it comes in the form of showing up for work in just a scarf, or screaming at donuts.

She called me an hour later and apologized about the set-up.  "It might have been better if I told you from the beginning that my last boyfriend really, really burned me.  Harvey's a little protective, and for once I'm actually taking his advice and letting him help me vet potential dates.  It worked out great, though.  Harvey and I both like you."

That was strange to hear, as my total in-person interactions with them had totaled approximately seven minutes.  "Three cheers for that."

"You're not angry, are you?"

"No, but I think that I'm better off dating someone in the traditional way, with no family present."

She cleared her throat.  "Because I was wondering if you'd make out with me in front of him."

I paused.  It was an awful idea.  Nothing but trouble.  Like throwing a rock into a nest of horny hornets.

I said, "Does Harvey like that plan?"

She said, "I haven't told him yet, but he'll go for it.  You could just pretend that he isn't there.  He just wants to make sure that you're on the level, and I'm sure that you are.  What do you think?"

I checked again.  Yep.  Still an awful, terrible idea.  It was a road with nothing but heartache, drama, and angry, axe-wielding brothers at the end of it.  It was like willingly walking into a room filled with rattlesnakes, and covered in tasty rattlesnake snacks.  No way.

"Sure.  When and where?" I heard myself say.

The three of us met out in public, in a park.  She had a blanket with her.  Harvey was, as always, silent.  I had never even heard the guy's voice.  She said, "I know a good place, away from everyone.  Let's go!"

The place was a tiny clearing off the paths, surrounded by trees.  We sat down and she inched closer to me.  "So..." she began, and the next thing I knew, her mouth was on mine.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Harvey.  He looked like he was ready to punch through a sequoia.  His hands moved down to his crotch. 

I broke away from Caitlin.  "Sorry.  I can't.  This is just too weird."

Caitlin took my arm and said, "Come with me," she pulled me up and away from the blanket and Harvey.  We walked about fifteen steps away and she turned to me.  I expected her to try and convince me to continue with her plan, to say something like, "We're already here, so we might as well."  I was expecting that.

What I didn't expect was for Caitlin to jump onto me, wrap her legs around me, and lick my face.  If she was counting on me to wrap my arms around her body to hold her up and support her weight, then I would have, but for some reason, she let go before I could.  She fell hard on her rear.  On a rock.

"Agh!" she yelled, "I fell on a rock!"  Her eyes reddened and moistened.  "Harvey!"

Harvey was approaching, now.  It had all happened so fast.  I wasn't sure if he was going to help her up, pick a fight with me, or touch his crotch again.

He helped her up, and she clutched at his chest, repeating, "Harvey nookie?  Harvey nookie," over and over.  He stroked her head.

Harvey looked up at me and said, "I've got it.  Thanks," and then he looked down at Caitlin, "Okay, sweetie.  Let's go.  Let's go."  They turned back to gather up the blanket.

If you're thinking that this sounded like the perfect time to leave, then we're on the same page.  I never heard from Caitlin, Harvey, or her nookie again, and I still think that I'm better off.

24 comments:

  1. So she jumped on you and you couldn't support her weight, because she was fat!

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  2. Seven-thirty6/12/2010 10:05 AM

    Harvey... perfect name, makes you think of Harvey Korman.

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  3. "No, but I think that I'm better off dating someone in the traditional way, with no family present."

    Hate to break it to you, but that is the traditional way.

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  4. Weird. At first I thought it was just a woman trying to keep tabs on her developmentally disabled brother but it warped into some bad comedy movie plot.

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  5. Harvey was her boyfriend or husband, not her brother. He gets off on seeing other dudes with his girl.

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  6. im with 3:11, this was a couple trying out cuckolding.

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  7. and (this is 6:48 again) im guessing nookie was actually a safeword

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  8. wtf Harvey that sound's like a husband or ex boyfriend to me not a brother if i where you i would get up and leave

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  9. nookie is the name of a pacifier ... she probably had her so called brother hold that for her too!

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  10. You went back for more crazy op? next time just walk away

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  11. Yeah, I'm with 3:11 and 6:48, they aren't crazy, just dishonest. Totally unfair to you.

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  12. I'm not sure if this is real.

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  13. ^^ I'm not sure if you are real

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  14. ^^^ I'm not sure if I'm real.

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  15. Jared, do you purposely go on these dates just to have a story to post here?

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  16. You better be trolling 12:04

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  17. Effing gross. We weren't even on the same page when you decided it was finally effing time to effing leave. You waited way too long to leave.

    Sorry for the harsh abbreviations, but gah. Eww.
    Even if they were full of shit about their relationship, you were willing to engage in this bizarre form of what really, essentially was incest?

    A free makeout session is a free makeout session, but surely even you have standards.

    Meh. Nevermind.

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  18. This was effing lame. Fakest story EVER. Can't believe nobody caught it. Either it's fake, or you have poor grammar. How many times did you walk off away from Harvey? bad date FAIL!

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  19. am i the only one who is worried about the children this crazy bitch teaches?

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  20. Am I the only one who is worried that people are using the word "fail" as a noun?

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  21. Looks like the sister was crazy and the brother, knowing this, humoured her desire to go on a date with someone. Then expecting it would fail, picked her up and left.

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  22. Jared, I think you really DO go on these crazy dates for the sake of your blog. And for that, I thank you.

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  23. They were trying cuckholding. Obviously amateurs. They should have been honest about it because there are plenty of people who are into that.

    My friend worked as a dom for a while and there were men who would pay to have her go out to dinner with her boyfriend (all expenses paid), while the client watched, then watched them make out later. All the while in his mind imagining that she was his wife.

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