Obviously, it Was Not a Romance Language

Submitted by Frank:

Mindy and I met when taking a foreign language ancient literature course. The class was small, geeky and competitive. But even if Mindy was an intellectual, she had a sense of humor and was pretty to boot. I never thought I could ask her out since she was graduate student.

After university, I got a corporate job in the capital city of the country whose language we had studied. When I found out that she was doing research for her dissertation at a university in the same city, I invited her to dinner. One of the company managers was out of the country and I was staying in his hotel suite.

The main topic of conversation was an elderly professor's sexual harassment. Once she had eaten lunch with him in a fast food restaurant and he had refused to let her pay.   "You are my dog, there can be no question of you paying,” he had told her.

He had also tried to grope her in his office. He was close to retirement and her complaints came to nothing. She was almost a bit teary about it. Admittedly it must be horrible for women to have some horny old asshole exert power over their careers. However, at the time it seemed ludicrous to me that some geezer who probably could hardly get it up would be so difficult to fend off. I also felt hypocritical since I also wanted to get into her pants.

“I am not really into living with the people anymore in the cold and dirty discomfort at the university,” she confessed.  That sounded good to me, so I offered to show her "my" place.

On our way up in the glass elevator, we made out. I put on some classical music and suggested a hot bath, guessing that she would feel sexier afterward. It was nice in the tub together, and I thought that it would soon be nicer in bed.

Once we got there, everything ground to a halt as she explained that it was very difficult to for her to reach orgasm. In fact, her first one had come only after she had masturbated for a very, very long time. Even if the trip was long, she liked the destination.

She asked, “Could you put one finger in like this, and another in like that and then use a third to rub me?”

Until that point in my life, sex had always been an instinctual sort of thing. It worked great most of the time. Suddenly, I found myself daunted by the mechanical and psychological challenges that she had thrown up. It didn’t help that she hadn’t stroked me or anything to encourage me to think that it would be mutual.

“Can you do it?” she pressed.

Instead of asking her to show me how or going down on her to experiment, I stupidly replied, “No.”

That killed it, so we went to sleep.

A couple of days later, I headed to the university to see her again.  She was pissed that I hadn’t called the very next day after the failed night.

We went back to her place.  I had some present for her in my briefcase and I straddled her while she lay in bed to open it. By that point, though, she had written me off. She asked me to get off and explained that she actually had a relationship back in the states and wanted to remain faithful.

I never saw Mindy again, but years later I Googled her and found that she had become a professor. I was not surprised to find that her literary research centered upon women and women’s issues in the ancient culture.


  1. Maybe I'm slow or something... What the hell just happened?

  2. Yes that was stupid of you OP.

  3. Agreed Peter what the hell was that? That story made no sense at all. Hey Jared do you even read the stories that are submitted?

  4. I'm really glad I wasn't the only one left scratching her head at the end of this. What the...??

  5. Newsflash, Davrell!!

    ...not ALL girls get "off" the same way.

    Some like it hard and fast...
    Some slow and grindy...
    And I'd hazard a guess that some like to masturbate with a pumice stone!

    If a girl asks you to do something a specific way...well, by golly...you DO IT! You just might learn something about women and help get her off!

    You should have helped her...to help you!

    Big time fail on your part, homes.

  6. Well that was...boring. Not exactly a horrible date except for your assumptions and self-centered attitude. You clearly weren't right for each other and because of that, you jump to the conclusion that she's a rigid feminist.

    OP, you're completely transparent here.

  7. "A girl asked me to finger her and I said no. We then went our separate ways and went on with our lives."

    ^there I condensed the story for you. It's still as bland and uninteresting as the blog post but it's a big time saver. This is probably the worst story I've ever seen on this site.

  8. Boring, pointless story. Mindy did absolutely nothing wrong or unusual here. What did you expect from a girl after you refused to get her off and didn't call her?

  9. I couldn't agree more, 7:15. Especially the horrible way he treated her sexual harassment experience - Is anyone really that self-centered and stupid?

  10. A perfect Bel Air setup . . . for nothing

  11. I have to disagree with 7:15, but only in the sense that I lack your faith in humanity. People, and guys, CAN be that pathetic. What sort of self righteous, egotistical moron says no to some girl wanting him to get her in the mood? I mean, really? You expect to always just be "instinctual"? Man, I see a lot of dissatisfied women in your future - summed up with a future of jacking off in your sock every night.

  12. Wow, OP, you can't even be entertaining as you describe how much you suck. This story is pathetic at a meta level.

  13. The ONLY thing that comes to mind after reading this is "Wtf?". Did any of this make sense to anyone else? As a story, that is.

  14. Uncool story bro

  15. A girl asked you to get her off and you said NO?!

  16. I think it's obvious that what we have here is an extremely bad case of the gheys.

    I think it's official that Frank will either die alone, or he'll move to San Francisco or South Beach and finally get the right kind of lovin'.

  17. Where was the bad date except that you didn't really care for the girl?

  18. The bad date was Mindy going out with a guy who acted into her, then wouldn't bring her to orgasm and instead chose to go to sleep. Then didn't call her for a week.

  19. 3:51...Nikki's photo is that of a chid, ya douche-tard.

  20. I agree. This was a very bad date. For Mindy.

    Frank, to be blunt: you suck. She was into you, made one suggestion so that she could enjoy herself too, and you pussied out. In case you're unaware, sex isn't all about YOU, women like to have sex too, although preferably with someone the complete opposite of you. Enjoy being single.

  21. I'm with the OP. Nothing worse than a woman telling a man how to please her. She should just lie there and think of England until the man indicates coitus is complete by rolling off and snoring.

    Wanton harlot.

  22. Uhh...wtf is this story...

  23. How dare she ask you to pleasure her in a specific way that she knew would make her experience an enjoyable one while also taking all the guesswork out for you, OP!

    In all seriousness though I doubt she's a lesbian. It just seems like Frank might not be able to please the ladies in ways that aren't beneficial/satisfying to himself. He must have all the gals lining up to date such a selfish man :)

  24. Post script: Nikki, of course I was Mindy's bad date. That was the whole point of the story. What a fuck up I was. That was decades ago. I may still screw things up from time to time but I haven't made the same mistakes over and over.

    Jared offers contributors anonymity. You can look back and laugh or groan at your blunders. If you want to present yourself in the best possible light, do it on FB where all your friends and relatives are reading.

  25. Frank...I don't know why you felt the need to address my comment--which was rather mild, especially for me--out of all the ones calling you gay, socially inept, and likely to die alone. However, hopefully you have matured and learned how to pleasure a woman, so...good job on that.

  26. Hi Nikki,

    You missed my point. ABCOD stories are almost always written by someone who is both the OP (offended party?) and the author. As you and 4:32 observed I was the bad date.

    But clearly I knew that, too. In this case the OP was Mindy and I was the writer. Nobody picked up on that.

    It is an assumption that all writers to ABCOD see themselves as the victims. It may not be true. Some are trolls and some may simply be relating an experience as honestly as they can.

  27. I thought OP is original Poster.

  28. Original poster... makes sense.

  29. Jesus Haploid Christ, Frank, you are a virtual allen wrench set of tool-dom. I am glad you realize you are the bad date, but there is only one word choice in the entire story that might imply you saw yourself that way - your admission that you saying "No" to the fingering lesson was said "stupidly". But because you are a language person, I am assuming you realize that this adjective use can also imply tone of voice rather than retrospective understanding. Also major point-deficit for not realizing that OP means Original Poster.

    And you are completely wrong to think you are the first person to write a bad date up where you were the person that screwed up. We get those aplenty and love them. So not only are you not special, your saying you are the bad date in the comments doesn't change the fact that in your story you come across as treating *her* like the problem. So when you sniff "Nobody picked up on it," take a moment to stop fingering your asshole in self-congratulation to understand that it's because you FAILED TO CONVEY THAT POINT and not that we are dense.

  30. No, Fizziks, you are wrong. Writing is not about spelling things out like that.

    The primary attraction of ABCOD is the writing. Jared has found a clever balance. He almost always comes up with a witty title that lifts the stories up a notch. He can almost, but not quite, save the very weakest ones.

    People come back in the hope of a good read. These are short stories in digital format. Some of the contributors are very good writers and other are struggling to put the account, probably already shared with several friends, "on paper".

    What percentage is pure fiction? We don't know, but trying to detect a troll is also a pull.

    If a story is bad, there is at least the possibility of clever banter between the regulars. The virtual relationships in the commentary section are a curious novelty for me since I never did anything but FB before.

    There is even a bit of a competition to see who can make make the most original cutting remark about the OP or date. Some of it is mock cruelty, but some of it is mere cyber bullying.

    ABCOD has links to other sites. What if they are also this good, I thought, and checked out Broken Hearted Girl. It is not that interesting, despite the fact that there is a huge amount of pain being shared. There is too much gossip.

    Alright, Fizziks, since I am the dull pencil in the box, YOU write a story under another name and see if you can get over 30 comments, including 4 from Nikki. Jared doesn't care whether the submissions are fact or fiction.

  31. Fun fact, Frank: the number of comments on a given story doesn't necessarily have to do with how well it's written or how interesting the story was. There was one story that was pretty uninteresting, but the commenters spent days of finding new, ridiculous ways of claiming "firsties." We've had comment wars into the 30s, 40s, and 50s about hunting, vegetarianism, and the ways my mom likes to fuck people in the ass. Because you managed to get a whole bunch of us to point out the obvious--that you were an asshole who didn't deserve to be with women--doesn't make you special.

    And stop trying to suck up to Jared, and stop trying to pretend like 4 comments from me is some huge accomplishment. I work for a school, and it's slow this time of year. I literally have nothing better to do than read this blog and spew hate across the Internet.

    @Fizziks - Where have you been, you fat bitch? I've been left to defend the "integrity" of this site by myself! Do you see what happens when I'm left on my own?!

  32. I am not sucking up to Jared. You visit this site daily, so you must like it. Four comments from you shouldn't be too difficult to get. It's simply a benchmark for Fizziks to shoot for.

  33. Also, Fizziks, you are not such a careful reader. At the end of the story Frank notes that "by that point, though, she had written me off", suggesting that the narrator knew he had blown it.

    To be sure there are many submissions in which the writer makes themselves unintentionally look bad. Where is there another in which the poster knows they screwed up? You haven't offered an example.

    I think Jared got it because he chose the name Frank, as in someone being frank about themselves. Could be a coincidence, though, too.

    And Nikki stop pretending to be a really spiteful person when you're not. For every two or three nasty cuts you inflict you usually offer a pat on the back or benefit of the doubt remark.

    You didn't wish me to die alone, but only suggested it was likely.

  34. Final comment:

    1. As he has stated over and over again, Jared does NOT change the names of the submitters, just the people mentioned in the story. So Jared didn't choose the name Frank; the OP was either named Frank, or he chose that name himself.

    2. Date in which the poster knew she was the bad date: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2010/05/my-bloody-fishing-trip.html

    I'm sure you'll post about 20 more times on here about how we're just "not getting it" or blah blah blah b/c you jerk off every time you get another comment. Someone else will have to pick up the slack on this thread. I've gotta get back to work.

  35. Ah, Frank, just in case there was any doubt about your tool-ness you thankfully saved me some posts and made it abundantly clear yourself. Gotsta hand it to you.

    So, despite not one single commenter liking your style nor thinking you were knowingly sharing your bad-dateness, you feel it is simply the case that you've delighted us all with your little vignette? And that it was so striking a study in your foolish past that Jared dubbed thee 'Frank'? Allow me to disabuse you of some things. I note that most of what you take credit for (Jared's understanding, the worthiness of your prose) is not supported by the evidence. First, Jared is on record as not changing submitter names http://bit.ly/9eVz6k . Even in the event that he changed yours, it's simply (self-aggrandizing) speculation to say he was doing so to highlight your pretension to self-scrutiny. But that troubles you not a whit, does it? In fact, you neatly decide that the burden of your non-awesomeness rests with me, since presumably it is self-evident that you deigned to give us the poignant gift of your self-recriminations. You know, the recriminations that are totally absent from your story.

    The commenters universally reviled you, so crowing that you are better than me because of the number of your commenters seems foolish at best and . 31 commenters actively hate you (boring and pointless were two points raised the most, aside from your misogyny). Even the commenter hating on Nikki took time out to mention his loathing of you. Non-Frank hating comments were limited to a) you and b) clarifying Nikki's pic. And as to you supposed specialness at "recognizing" your bad-dateness again, in the comments and not the story, you fail again. "by that point, though, she had written me off" is just a statement of her actions: it does not automatically mean that you deserved in your estimation to be written off nor indeed did you offer any such opinion of your self until the comments (those comments coming after a wave of people decided to tell you that, which would indicate not one single person thought your story conveyed that). You make it my responsibility to show you that we do in fact get bad-date-perspective stories? Ok, I don't mind, because the facts are on my side. Nikki gave one, but these two are both from May. May, Frank; last month. http://bit.ly/a20yH9 http://bit.ly/b9c4qz

    Suffice to say if I can find two in just the previous month these are not rare. And you should be paying more attention.

    Also, way to tell Nikki what she is or isn't really like. Is there no checking your insufferable ego? You even know what other people really are like?

  36. @Nikki - sorry to leave you haning. Real life has been kicking the ass of everyone I care about. I've been busy attend to real hearbreak and drama, so less time here. Sorry if that left you lonesome! And thanks for picking up my slack.

  37. Hey Fizziks, sorry to hear that life is shitting on you. :( Hopefully you kick its ass sooner rather than later. Glad to be of assistance. Only came back to the thread b/c I saw you had commented on a few other stories and wondered if you would properly school our pathetic troll. Good job doing so.

  38. The people featured in this post reminded me of some classic novels...when I don't care what happens to them because they all just suck.

  39. The fishing trip OP did not present herself as bad date. She presented herself as a good sport who was rewarded for her stoic attitude. She and her date ended up getting married. So where was the failure in that?

    That's hardly an example in any respect.

    The DJ may have thought he was a bad date because of his car troubles, but clearly the date was failure due to his mistake -- dating a listener, something that professionalism warned against -- and the girl's expectations based on an infatuation with his radio voice/personality.

    This was a pretty objective description of what happened on the date. You can make an argument for it being a self confessed bad date.

    I did not claim that Jared certainly chose the name Frank because the word's meaning. I said that it could also be pure coincidence. But you both ignore that because you are so anxious to be right.

    And as for knowing Nikki, well, of course I do. No, I haven't dated her in real life, but she's here everyday expressing her thoughts... and Fizziks so are you. It feels like we're getting to know each other.

    Sometimes Nikki makes a comment and deletes, indicating that she takes what she says very seriously. She seems an earnest person. You, Fizziks, seem more bilious, but how do I know what it's like to be a data analyst studying physics/pansexual frat boy living in a chick's body.

    As to the post, well, I was uncertain of myself and when she stopped all the action to gravely explain how difficult it was for her to enjoy sex, I felt like the ship was sunk. What I wrote about happened 25 years ago. So there is certain some distance if not total objectivity. I don't hate her or any other woman. I hope she is happy.

    Since you both distort facts to support your point of view, there can be no serious discussion. Let us simply part rather than continue to quarrel.

  40. "I think Jared got it because he chose the name Frank, as in someone being frank about themselves."

    "I did not claim that Jared certainly chose the name Frank because the word's meaning."

    "Since you both [Nikki and Fizziks] distort facts to support your point of view, there can be no serious discussion"


    Says the person claiming greatness in a din of commenters with nary one among them with a kind word for you. You give Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf a pretty good run for the money, I'll give you that.

  41. Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf?

    ... OK, Fizziks, then I would say you that you could be compared to... an ambitious junior member of Sarah Palin's speech writing team whose stomach will roast in hell.

    Seriously, though, if we met in real life could we get along? You make me feel like you want to dig up earth worms and then make them squirm by putting a prick of hot light from a magnifying glass on them. Lighten up.

    But I refuse to believe we can't make peace. You're OK and I'm OK, even if you are universally admired and I am reviled among ABCOD readers.

  42. Wow, Frank seems like a douche.

    Partly for taking advantage when she was obviously emotionally vulnerable. She was talking about how upset she was at being sexually harassed and at not getting justice, talking about how she hated where she was living and alone in a foreign city. She needed a decent friend and a shoulder to cry on.

    Partly for flat out refusing to help get her off. Saying what you want in bed is presumably not an easy thing for women to do but, it would be better for everyone if more women felt like they could. As you say, doing it could teach you a thing or two and, you should be pleased that she is making it easier to please her.

    Partly for attacking people in the comments.

  43. Oooh where to start!

    1.) I'm a noob to this site.
    2.) I don't know about you all but hearing all this linguistic legalese slamdowns (Fizziks & Nikki) makes me feel like I do when I watch Law & Order crossed with "The People vs. Larry Flynt". Except replace the people with bountiful women. Yes, I'm that aroused.
    3.) Was anyone else as confused about the visual of Frank straddling her? If not for the handle, I thought maybe this was a hot lesbian story. Thinking maayyyyybe this story is going to get more awkward than a lesbian not fingering. Anyhoo...

    4.) Frank. I think the main reason why you seem douche-like is the last part of your story. When you said "stupidly" I assumed you meant you were stupid and not the girl was stupid for asking you. The thing that put me off was when you said:

    "I was not surprised to find that her literary research centered upon women and women’s issues in the ancient culture."

    That makes you sound like a misogynistic angry person. If not for that sentence the whole story would have been different. Pathetic, yes, awkward yes, both forgivable in times of nervousness. The last part is a character trait that doesn't really wash out...

    ...unlike the stains I leave on my shirt wiping the cum off your mom's mustache.


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