I Don't Wear that Sweater Anymore

Submitted by Kerry:

I met Nick at college, and besides being insanely hot, he was also charming, funny, and smart. He was also very insistent. That should have tipped me off right there. However, when he asked me out after class one day, I couldn't turn it down.

I met him that night at his house before going to dinner. When I walked in, I noted his parents sitting on the floor, reading the Bible by candlelight while his sisters knitted in the corner.

Okay, kind of weird, but hey, they're devoted Christians (I also later learned that his Dad was actually a pastor), so whatever, it could have been worse.

After we left, Nick asked me if I liked surprises.  I told him, "Sure, who doesn't?" So we got in his car, and this is when things officially got a little too odd for a first date.

He insisted on tying a scarf around my face so that I wouldn't "see where we were going." I would have jumped out of the car right then and there if it wasn't still somewhat light out and the scarf wasn't somewhat see-through.

About 10 minutes later, I realized that he was driving in circles around the same neighborhood over and over. I asked him where we were going, and he said "Don't worry, we're almost there." Classic last words, I thought. That's when we pulled right back up to his house and he guided me back inside and up the stairs to his room where he had a picnic basket of food on his bed. Um, okay.

Officially creeped out, but not ready to rush out of there like a paranoid freak, I decided to see what would happen next. I mean, what could happen? There's a pastor downstairs, right? So I refrained from asking questions and we started eating.

That's when Nick got teary-eyed.  He said, "I have a confession to make.  A few months ago, my father's co-pastor and his family went on vacation.  The co-pastor has a really attractive daughter, and while they were away, I... I broke into their house and masturbated into the girl's sweater."

The alarms in my head rang furiously. Time to leave! Nick pleaded with me not to go.  "It's okay now!  Honest!  My father and her father worked something out so that she never found out about it!"

Some "Christians" they were. I left the room and marched right down the stairs past their little Bible/knitting session and left.


  1. Pina Smuncher6/10/2010 12:44 PM

    I dunno...masturbated into a sweater? I think he was trying to pullover something on you...

  2. ^nice!

    I'm really left speechless because this is actually a bit too close to home to what a friend/boyfriend in HS once confessed to me about his cute cousin - only his actions were a bit less harmless. Can't think about the story on its own merits.

  3. So WHY did he decide to tell you this disturbing story? A B&E in order to jack off??? That guy need theapy. It's just plain bizarre. Eventually he will be out of the house and daddy won't be able to cover his tracks. The sex offender registry is about to get a new addition.

  4. As a recovering Catholic, I will tell you EXACTLY why he told you. Jack Donaghy said it best:

    That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.

    inb4 she said he was Christian, not Catholic

  5. Surely you can't still be surprised by the hypocrisy of Christians or any religious type. People don't understand that what they are striving for (a perfect self) will never be. People are way more fucked up than that, as ABCOTD demonstrates with vigor. Brush your teeth, eat your veggies and try not to be too much of an asshole. That should do it.


    Come on, get a sense of humor. Laugh in his face and and make fun of him and then get over it. This is not that big of a deal, I mean I think it's fairly common. They were on vacation together and it's not like he stole anything or hurt anyone. I think you missed out on that son of a preacher man.

    Yes he was, he was...

  6. George Carlin:"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money"
    why the fuck he told you about that he wax the carrot in someone ales house one sick fuck

  7. @Error... actually, they weren't on vacation together, the girl and HER family were away on vacation, so the guy went to their house, broke in, went into her room, went through her stuff, found her sweater, masturbated into it then ran off.

    Im scared for you if its that common where you come from.

  8. Seven-thirty6/10/2010 6:53 PM

    It's got to be a sweater, preferably angora or oiled wool, but no thank you to a durable $19.95 fleece.

  9. she must have had epic tits for him to jizz in her sweater. personally, i would have jizzed into her bra. no matter how many times you wash it, that cum will always be there.

  10. Seven-thirty6/11/2010 4:43 AM

    You may be on to something 11:52.

    The story is a little too thematic. But religion can really do a job on people. Weird thing is the discovery of the semen on the sweater. The girl got home found the sweater, confronted the males in the household.

    "Dad did you do this?"

    Later the famíly invested in DNA testing.

    Could also be that he was in the girl's bedroom and the webcam was always on and trained at the bed.

  11. Come on OP, if you reject every guy who breaks into a girl's home and masterbates into an article of her clothing, you are going to wind up miserable and alone.

  12. @1:33
    Catholic priests are not allowed to have children, so there is not a chance a catholic priest will have his children sitting around in his home!

  13. Could you call the guy up and ask him how they found out he did it? I really need closure on this matter.

  14. @6:10 Oh crap! You're right! When I read it I thought they went together. Whoops. Thanks, obviously not the first time I've made an error in judgment here. Heh, heh.

    Yeah, breaking and entering is not okay (maybe his father was house sitting?), but I do think a good deal of young dudes secretly jizz into women's clothing (take it as you will - friend, neighbor, cousin, sister, aunt, mom, let's hope not grandma!). Generally speaking it's underwear, but the behavior is common.

    Any dudes care to share and back me up on this one?

  15. *crickets*

    Gosh Error. This is awkward.

  16. There's this hot little girl in my neighborhood always out playing hopskotch with her friends. She's blond, and around 7 - 8, but doesn't look a day over 5. She is homeschooled; her father works all day and her mother usually stays home to watch after her. At times though, her mother will go to the grocery store without her. While she's alone in the house, I like to sneak up to her room by scaling a wooden fence that sits closely to the house. Her window is never locked, as she likes to open it to peer out at night. Perhaps wanting me to rescue her?
    In her room sits a pink dresser, scattered with plastic toy ponies and dolls. In her upper left-hand drawer, she keeps her panties. The clean ones are nice, because they still smell like her. However, from time to time I'll find a gem: a dirty pair on the floor! That's when I hold them to my face while I start to stroke myself, slowly and gently, as if it were her doing it. Her soft fingers wander around my groin, sending waves of pleasure throughout my body. Finally, I like to lay back and take a huge breath in with her panties on my face, getting her full scent in my memory before I release the magic that would make her feel OH so good, filling her body with my manly fluids. I wipe myself with her panties, and leave them on her floor for her mother to clean when she gets home. She'll never suspect a thing.

    Now, if only I could figure out what types of candy she likes...

  17. Seven-thirty6/11/2010 6:03 PM

    Nomatophobia and Error, you guys are sick. Hope your sisters and spinster aunts use your electric toothbrushes till the batteries burn out and then put them back unwashed for you polish your teeth.

    However, given the amount of time and money women spend on clothes, is it any wonder than men are also interested.

  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

  19. This is the OP. For those of you who want to know how they found out he did it, I don't know, but I'm guessing since he felt he needed to confess to me on a first date, he probably felt the need to confess to his father after he did it, and then the father arranged something with the other pastor... I didn't stick around long enough to ask lol.

  20. ^ @2:28 Unfortunately, I didn't make this story up. The cold reality of this world is that there are psychos out there much sicker than the one I had the misfortune of meeting.

  21. Oh 5:18, you make me very sad. I was referring to behavior much more innocent and you just raped my brain. I hope your dick gets caught in a carrot chopper.

    By the way, I am a girl and while I obviously haven't done this deed, plenty of dudes have talked about it, that's how I know. I also know about vaseline, socks and couches. Apparently that is popular as well. Oh, and sometimes you guys substitute a rubber glove for the sock.

    I'm going to go take a shower and wash the ick off.

  22. The OP dodged a loaded gun because next date he might...*wait for it*...JUMP HER!


    Anyway, I imagined the OP stomping downstairs, grabbing the knitting needles, re-nailing Jesus to the cross, then punting the Bible from between the parents' hands to a collective "GASP!" and yelling, "WANKERS!"

  23. I think you're fibbing OP.. I think the father could of been a priest but that you added the rest to bring up a silly debate in the comment section. I think he rejected you and you're bitter because of it. Oh well goodluck God bless and get better!!


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