Confession Time!

Submitted by Chrissy:

James was a short guy with a deep, deep voice.  He was a soccer coach on weekends and worked at a coffee shop during the week.  He was well-read and seemed more interesting than not, so I didn't think that I had anything to lose by going out with him.

First thing he did was walk me into a McDonald's.  Then he gave me a look and said, "Nah, just kidding.  We're across the street!"

I liked his sense of humor and felt even better about him.  We sat down in an Irish pub and perused the menu.  We both ordered drinks.  For every one that I ordered, he ordered four for himself (I only ordered one, by the way).

Towards the phase of dinner during which your server would ask you if you wanted coffee or dessert, James said, "Okay.  Confession time."

I looked at him, bracing myself for whatever he was about to say, but he said nothing.  He laughed.  I laughed a little bit, too, but not as much as he did.  Ah, nothing brings out the laughs like confession time.

He stopped laughing.  "I killed someone."

I stopped laughing, too.  "You what, now?"

He said, "I killed someone.  In high school."  He smiled at me and raised his hands.  "I'm a murderer!"

I waited for the punchline.  Where was that punchline?  Anytime now, punchline.

"My grandfather," he said, "I walked into his house and slammed the door.  Not on purpose.  And it gave him a heart attack.  Or something like that.  Now he's dead.  I killed him."

Why was he telling me this?  Why was the urge to run becoming harder and harder to fight?  Most pressing of all, why didn't he stop smiling?

All I could think to say was, "I don't have a better confession than that.  You win."

He raised his glass and drank.  Any good feelings about him now blasted out of the water, I looked forward to my nice, warm, murderer-free house with its equally nice, warm, murderer-free bed.

At the date's end, he leaned in to kiss me good night.  I gave him my cheek, hoping that he'd be okay with that.  He was.

He called me a couple of days later to tell me that he had a good time and thanked me for not being freaked out about his confession.  I told him that I appreciated his interest, but that I didn't feel much chemistry.

He was silent on the other end of the phone, for what were likely the creepiest ten seconds of my life.  He said, "Okay, well, thanks," and hung up.


  1. If your time is so precious what are you doing here? :P

  2. ^If a noisy slammed door makes you a murderer, that fire station by the old folks home is a Bond supervillain.

  3. So basically he's a cool dude. But he drank 4 drinks (about 1 too many for a first date) instead of your 1 (about 1 too few) and confessed to you that he was part of the accident that killed his grandfather.

    While not exactly a first-date topic, at least he seems honest and up-front. Other than that, looks like James dodged a bullet here.

  4. I liked the story. Wish there was more details though. I'm just not visualizing a creepy guy.

  5. This doesn't sound like a bad date at all. At his age in high school, it's likely that he actually blamed himself for his grandfather having a heart attack. So at this point he can joke around about it, and while it wasn't that funny of a joke, it at least means he's mostly over it. He actually probably liked you if he's telling you that (poor guy), and you took it as him being creepy. Good thing; now the guy can go out and find someone fun and interesting instead of you.

  6. @9:19:

    Yes, good point. But here's the thing. My goof-off time at work is possibly some of my most precious time; I demand top quality time wastage. If you're gonna come at me with what you claim to be a bad date story, you best come correct. This site has set a pretty high bar for flat-out fuck-wit crazy, and this story didn't even come close.

    The upside: such stories provide their own out; I get to talk shit to people I'll never see.


  7. I feel sorry for the guy if he thinks he murdered his grandfather. I would have told him it sounded like it was an unfortunate accident and probably his grandfather's heart would have given out soon anyway. Obviously he's not a murderer! Maybe he was creepy, but I didn't get that from the story.

  8. A tour group passed my office just as I read about your date Joker-laughing before telling you straight-faced that he was a murderer. I'm pretty sure that all those poor incoming freshmen were convinced that I was choking on a pretzel because I was trying to contain my (usual) uproarious laughter.

    Also, Pipe Dream, you comments at 11:26 accurately reflect my feelings about time wasters at work. However, I enjoyed this date immensely, if only because it reminds me of all the other (male) dates who felt the need to drop huge confession bombs on their first dates.

  9. Yeah, I agree, it's never a good choice. A sane person would wish to be a bit reserved over the death of family members, even if he wasn't guilty of murder.

  10. The dude was probably smilin g when he told you because he was nervous about your reaction. Some people smile or make jokes out of things when they are uncomfortable. Or he could just be crazy. However being in the same room as someone having a heart attack is not murder.

    I agree that this is a lame story, and the OP sounds like a bitch. Bullet dodged by kinda-crazy sounding dude.

  11. You fail. He was cool.

  12. OP sounds like a bitch. He's not ACTUALLY a murderer - it was an accident! Not that I think this is good first date conversation, but you seem to have over-reacted wayyy too much. It's probably something he's been blaming himself for for years and needed to get it out because he feels guilty. It's not his fault. You're a heartless drama queen OP!

  13. There's always a comeback for these stories instead of just sitting there slackjawed. For example, you might have said "What a coincidence! I once shot my grandfather in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know."

  14. ^Then you'd wiggle your cigar and waggle your huge eyebrows. And your brother would honk a bike horn instead of laughing.

  15. Sounds like he has a bit of a problem with guilt about it and, because of that, he felt he needed to tell you and was nervous about it. The sensitive, compassionate thing to do would have been to say that you don't think he murdered his grandfather.


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