A Career Politician

Submitted by Chad:

One of the first things I learned about Michelle was that she was middle-school class president three times in a row.  She was obviously proud of that fact, slipping it into our talks whenever she could.

Sometimes she would say it jokingly, such as during a playful argument: "Well, you must be wrong.  I was middle-school president for three years in a row."

Sometimes she'd be more serious about it.  "I was hoping that being middle-school president for three years straight would be my ticket to popularity and more friends, but in many ways, I was more isolated than ever..."

Michelle, by the way, was 23.  I was 28.  She was just finishing law school, and worked in a law office to support herself.

Once, I made the mistake of asking her, "Did your middle-school executive experience help you land in a better law school?"

She answered, "Yeah.  I wrote one of my application essays all about it."

She seemed pretty level-headed other than this strange obsession, so we progressed to meet-in-person phase pretty quickly.

The date went well, although she seemed shy and not too talkative in person.  It was okay, and somehow or other, we kept things going.

Towards the end of dinner, she asked if she could show me something.  She pulled out a middle-school yearbook.

She had to be kidding.

She wasn't.

She opened it up to the page that had a big picture of her as fourth-grade president.  "This was the best year by far," she told me, and explained that she had enacted a classroom rule that had something to do with students who played sports or something... I actually don't remember.

She went on for about five minutes when I asked her, "Why are you so obsessed with that time of your life?"

She rationalized, "It's normal for people to talk about their past.  It's how you get to know them, right?"

I guess she had a point, but a 23-year-old discussing middle-school politics as if it was the greatest achievement of her life... came across as sad.

I asked her what else she had done that had made her proud.  She just stared at me, trying to think of something.  I prompted her, "Well, you made it to law school, right?"

"Big deal," she said, "Anyone can do that.  How many people can you name that were middle-school class president for three years in a row?"

Trying to seem engaged, I asked her, "Do you have any of the other yearbooks handy?  From the other two years during which you were class president?"

It was an innocent question, I thought.  I had resigned myself to having this be the main topic of conversation with her for the foreseeable future, and I figured that I might as well placate her.

She didn't like this question, though.  She slammed her yearbook shut and muttered that jealous yearbook editors had disrespected her office by putting another person's photo in the "president" spot, someone who had run against her and "should have lost."

I asked, "So... you weren't really president for three years in a row?  Just for one?"

"No!" she shouted, "I was president for three years!  Those fuckers sabotaged the election!  I was president, but they rigged the election so that this other fucking bitch would seem to win.  I was president, no mistake about that.  I was president.  I was president!"

I asked, "But how can you be sure that you didn't just lose?"

It was as if I had slapped her.  She trembled, shook her head, and said, "How dare you... how dare you!"

She gathered herself, slid out from the booth, and said, "You pay for this, fucker," as she stormed out.

I was planning to pay for it anyway, but I'm really glad that she showed her true colors before things progressed any further.

She wrote me an e-mail to apologize.  I replied that I made it a practice to never date politicians, real or fake.  She wrote back a babbling, nasty, incoherent response, and I didn't reply.


  1. That's pretty pathetic. However, she is right about law school. Most of getting into that is the people you know and NOT how you did in undergrad. One of the dumbest people I ever met got into law school with a bad LSAT score. She's the governor's niece.

  2. How is Chelsea Clinton these days, anyway....?

  3. Imagine this girl screaming at an ex and his new girlfriend in a restaurant: "No, we were married! You and your family just sabotaged the ceremony by not showing up! But we were *married*! MARRIED!"

  4. All I could picture was Reese Witherspoon in Election.

  5. Did you guys know that the Clippers were NBA champions for THREE YEARS IN A ROW? Those #$#!s in the NBA just rigged it so that it only SEEMED like 16 other teams made the playoffs in those years INSTEAD of the Clippers. But the Clippers WERE champions. They WERE. THEY WERE THEY WERE THEY WERE.

  6. Ohhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyy gossssshhhhhhhh. Its people like these who mess up or government. "Of course murder is illegal! They were just upset that they didn't think of that law FIRST!"

  7. Um, 23 years old and finishing law school? That means probably graduating college at 20 and high school at 16, and she's supposed to be talking about middle school? Chad, are you sure you didn't exaggerate just a LEETLE bit?

  8. Fizziks, LOVE your comment.

    And I LOVE this date! There was this slump in the quality for a while, but I think that it's slowly coming back around! :D

  9. 4th grade isn't even middle school, not by a long shot!

  10. ^You nitpickers are killing me, unable to see the hilarious forest for the stupid detail trees.

  11. ^So what? I'm with 4:45, too. Was wondering if he was referring to middle school or elementary.

  12. Seven-thirty6/23/2010 6:31 PM

    Among people who develop mental illness (e.g., schziophrenia)young adulthood is often the watershed, the period that the first serious episode occurs.

    The response was "babbling, nasty and incoherent".

    And so the mind crumbles.

  13. FOURTH GRADE IS NOT MIDDLE SCHOOL! I SHOULD KNOW! Middle school is 6th to 8th grade. 4th grade is elementry, my dear Watson. I'm getting too obsessive over my age. I need serious help or I'll end up like HER! She. Is. A. Fucker. But she's not as bad as some of the kids in my class. Oh, I just can't wait to see them next year. *Sarcasm* And WHY am I putting this here!

  14. ^ My middle school was 5th to 8th grade...

  15. Wowza dowza....Well yeah, either you're lying (which I don't believe) or she was, and she was never president of anything in middle school. 4th grade says it all, and that's when the lies began. She planned on recreating her success from elementary, but it never really panned out for her.

    Kind of a sad story though.

  16. Here is a middle school that include the 4th grade: http://www.amsgrade4.com/

    And another: http://bit.ly/bhwnAB

    Point is, middle/intermediate schools vary greatly by region as to which grades are included. In short, everyone crying "Liar!" is a tool. But thanks for seizing on the least important detail of the entire story and dragging the thread down!

  17. There are middle schoolers here now? Do I have to watch my fucking language now?

  18. Thanks, Fizziks, for getting the group back on track.

    And nomatophobia, I really think that we would act even worse than we already do if we had guaranteed middle schoolers reading this forum. Just b/c, you know, kids gotta learn sometime. ;)

  19. Ah, to be a tool at his full strength!

    Thank you, THOR, for your blessings!

  20. ^No doubt your burnt goat offering paid off. You are welcome to wield the mighty hammer of your tooldom here during your precious wasted worktime, hon! :D Nice to have you aboard.

  21. Nikki - Alright then...

    Gather around children. I'd like to talk to you about something called D.V.D.A.
    Lesson Number 1: ALWAYS get the money up front.

  22. Warren Beatty7/05/2010 10:24 PM

    D.V.D.A. mention gets the internet joke of the day, in the category of Education/Megan's law

  23. hahahahahahahah......... awesome.
    i love how you inadvertently called her out! what a crazy.


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