Hot Sweatshirts, Cold Coffee

Ah, Alice.  Alice appeared as a "suggested" match on a particular dating site about a year ago.  I checked out her profile, and statements such as, "I LOVE SHOES" and a photo of her wearing a purple, sparkly t-shirt that read "PRINCESS" were enough to turn me off to her.  For some reason or another, this shoe-loving princess thought it prudent to contact me.

"I see you like film." was her first message.  There were no questions, no details, only that statement, which succinctly summarized something that I had already listed on my profile.

"Yes I do," I replied, via e-mail.  This was great.

"What kinds of film," she replied back, two days later.  The lack of a question mark at the statement's end made me wonder if she was asking a question or issuing high philosophical discourse.

Hoping to end things quickly, I replied, "All types.  Good luck out there."

No reply for a month.  Then, "I like all types too," appeared in my inbox.  This was all a bit too exciting for me, but I wasn't really into it.  But then, she quickly followed it up with, "Want to get coffee?  My treat."  Turns out, I'm into free coffee.

She showed up on a particularly warm day in jeans and a dark green sweatshirt.  Her long, dark hair was down, and she was sweaty.

"It's so hot out!" she said, wiping her brow with her sleeve.

"It sure is," I said, "Great day for long pants and a sweatshirt."

"It's so hot, right?" she asked me.

"It sure is!"

She said, "Let's go get coffee!"

I need to give Alice a bit of credit here.  She was a pre-med student who was working the equivalent of two full-time jobs in addition to her studies.  The girl barely had a moment to think, much less make intelligent conversation.  Still, I'm not sure if her employment/academic situation can really excuse what came next.

"Nice, hot coffee," she announced as she sat across from me with her nice, hot coffee.

I was about to attempt conversation when she said, "Wait... why did I order this?  It's warm out today, isn't it?"

I stared at her, then said, "It might be the warmest day of the year."

She held up a finger and said, "Hold on for just a sec."

She stood up with her nice, slightly-less-hot coffee, and brought it to the counter.  She said to the barista, "It's too hot for hot coffee.  Do you sell cold coffee?"

They were nice enough to replace her hot coffee with colder coffee, and she sat down across from me.  Then, she stood up and said, "Let's get out of here.  It's too hot."

We walked down the block and into the suburban wilds.  She kept wiping her brow with her sleeve and holding the coffee cup to her forehead.  "It's really hot out today, isn't it?"

"It is," I agreed, "Want to go home and change?  I can wait for you."

She stopped walking and wrinkled her face at me.  "I'm not changing in front of you.  We just met!"

I said, "I never asked you to do that.  In fact, please don't.  Ever.  I merely asked if you'd like to run home and change.  I can wait."

"Yeah," she said, wiping the coffee cup all over her face, "Let me do that.  You'll be here?"


She ran home and was back in about twenty minutes.  This time, she was wearing the same pants, but had a bright yellow sweatshirt on.  She wiped her brow and asked me, "What's your problem?"

I said, "I... er... I don't think I said anything."

She said, "You asked me about this sweatshirt before."

"I've never seen that sweatshirt before today."

"So what's your problem with it?"

"Nothing.  It's a nice sweatshirt."

"It's so hot out."

"It is."

She asked, "Do you want this sweatshirt?"

I said, "No, thanks."

"Are you gay?"


She said, "But if you said you wanted this sweatshirt, I'd have to take it off to give it to you.  You'd see my sizable mammaries.  Both of them."

"I think I'm good."

"So you're gay."

"I'm straight, but I'm not interested."

She paused to think about this for a few moments, then settled on, "So, you're gay."

I shrugged.  "Okay.  Please keep your shirt on."


She pulled off her sweatshirt and handed it to me.  She wore a black bra.  Her chest glistened with gallons of sweat.  She then said, "I've got to go," and left.

I donated the sweatshirt to a Goodwill.  I couldn't let it infect me with crazy.


  1. Ah, that's what I want in a future physician. The intellect to change one soaked sweatshirt for another equally heavy one on a hot day.

  2. Stand_Alone: OMIGOSH!!! this had me laughing!! nice story hope it was true......she is my type of gal....CRAZY!! the Crazy girls are just plain insane in bed lol .......

  3. I get it. So she wanted you to ask her if she wanted to take the hoodie off the whole time. She was just WAITIN for it!!

  4. Yeah, missed opportunity there, that was the surest thing I've ever seen...

  5. Very awesome post, also well written.
    This chick is a living guide on "How to be crazy".

  6. You know, I was willing to forgive her weirdness even after she changed from one sweatshirt to another. But once she started in on the conversations that never happened...it's a good thing you caught a bad case of the gheys and got out of there.

  7. Seven-thirty5/21/2010 9:06 AM

    Mental illness... medication... survival... a new generation... more of same... in whose extended family is there no history of schizophrenia, alcoholism, drug addiction, manic-depression, etc?

  8. Mia Ballzaike5/21/2010 10:23 AM

    You weren't too 'shit hot' in converation yourself, pal. Your reply to liking movies was
    "Yes, I do".
    Good one. Moreover, you meet up with somebody you aren't interested in for a free coffee?

    Looooser, dude. Go jerk yourself some throat yogurt.

  9. He was brief in his replies because he wasn't interested in her. He even subtly let her know by saying, "Good luck out there."

    And Mia, have you REALLY never gone out on a date or even just platonically with someone because you could get something free out of it? You sit through a lunch with an annoying family member because you know they'll insist on paying for the food. You go out for drinks with a guy you don't really see yourself with because you know he'll at least buy a round.

    It was coffee. It's not like Jared's out gold digging cougars, having them take him to the Four Seasons or anything.

  10. But he does, Nikki. He just doesn't write about them here so they won't cut off his allowance of butterscotch candies. :P

  11. Mia Ballzaike5/21/2010 11:31 AM

    NO. I can honestly say I've never 'wasted' my time getting something free with somebody that I have no interest in.
    Hmmm...is my time worth more than a $2 coffee? Um, Absolutely. And why putyourself through a lot of 'painful, awkward convos' just to satisfy a caffeine fix? Blah.
    I will take free samples at the Costco though.

  12. Unsurprisingly, I'm a member of BJ's, as opposed to Costco, but I agree with you on that point, Mia; the samples at the warehouse stores are usually pretty good. I wish they did them more often.

    But as for the "your time is more valuable" thing, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. (Is that even possible on abcotd?) Think of it this way: if he hadn't wasted his time and gotten free coffee with this girl, he never would have had this story to tell pathetic losers on the Internet. :P

  13. This dude was a dick. If you are going to let someone that you met on a date site buy you a coffee, then you should at least give her a chance. He just sat there making horible conversation with short answers. I agree with Mia. If your time is not worth more than $2, then that is a problem. I would understand going to a great place to eat, but coffee? That is just sad.

  14. As always, Jared's stories are far and away the worst thing about this blog. Dude can't write, always sounds like a complete douche bag, and is just an awful, awful person. You started this blog, Jared, but you ruin it every time you post. Leave it to the submitters.

  15. @2:44:

    Thanks for your input. As always, you can count on me to take the sage words of anonymous, envious commenters absolutely seriously.

  16. @JMG - especially since many of them can't recall that you run the site nor distinguish your dates from submitters no matter how often Nikki explains it.

  17. Hold the phone.
    I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what is throat yogurt?

    I await the dropage of knowledge, patiently.

  18. Ah, ever-helpful Urban Dictionary. Now I can reply with all the facts.

    That's gross.

  19. Wait, so, you're gay?

  20. This is obviously fake.

  21. So we've got "Jared's ghey" (you spelled it wrong, 10:15), someone calling the date "fake," and dudes advocating the guy should have just had his way with her. All we're missing are the "fat bitch!" jokes, someone calling an anon poster a "troll," and the phrase "you really dodged a bullet" for this to be a standard date thread. Come on, posters, we can do this!!

  22. ^ Stop trolling for more comments, you fat bitch. Jared's date dodged a bullet on this one. I mean, who wants to date a ghey guy? I post on 4chan, am a "science type", and would have argued about Jared's link irrelevancy if he'd put one at the end. Oh yeah, and I can't tell if Jared posted this or if it was submitted, so I'm just gonna call him OP.

    ... does that clear up just about everything? ;-)

  23. Loved it, anon 4:42!! But you forgot to get some vegetarian hating on.

  24. She was being filmed. You were suppose to be the dude in a cheap Internet porn flick. How did you not figure this out?

  25. That's what happens when you tell a bullshit tale.

  26. LOL @ Nikki, Anon 4:42, and Fizziks! I love you guys!

  27. "So you're gay."

    "I'm straight, but I'm not interested."

    She paused to think about this for a few moments, then settled on, "So, you're gay."

    I shrugged. "Okay. Please keep your shirt on."

    Hilarious. Thank you for this post. :)

  28. Was her name really Alice? Or was it something else. Because this sounds a lot like an encounter I had on a dating site.

  29. I was expecting her to be some sort of spam bot, automatically generating inane conversation from a script, using your profile as input. I didn't realize real people were capable of being that boring.

    Have to agree with other commenters, a free coffee hardly seems like a good reason to go on a date with someone.


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