Here Lies This Date

Submitted by Terry:

Kayla and I really hit it off online, and it was her idea to meet in person.  I liked it better that way, with her asking to meet up, as we'd then be meeting up at her own pace.  We both had a lot to talk about: she was ending her first year of law school and I was just starting out as a bioethics consultant.

The only indication I had that something was amiss was when she called me about a half hour before the date.  I picked up my phone, and there was nothing but the sound of her breathing on the other end.  I asked her if everything was okay.  There was another pause and she said, "Nevermind.  See you in a bit!" and hung up.

She showed up at our meeting place, a World War II memorial near the center of town, all in black, as if she was going to a funeral.  I thought about asking her about her fashion choice when she said, "Do we have time to stop at my aunt's funeral?"

My knee-jerk response: "Why don't we reschedule?"

She said, "It won't take too long.  I didn't want to cancel.  Our relationship wasn't too close, and I mostly want to be there to support my family."

I wasn't at all wearing commonly acceptable funeral attire.  It was a nice spring day, and had dressed as such.  She seemed to read my mind and said, "Don't worry about it.  My family will be glad that you're there to support me."

I asked, "Are you sure this is appropriate?"

She said, "Yes," and off we went to Aunt Carol's funeral.

The funeral home was packed solid, and I have to tell you... Aunt Carol must have meant a lot to a lot of people, because this wasn't a "let's stand around in little pockets and celebrate her life" kind of reception.  This was a cry-fest for the ages.

I avoided eye contact with everyone, and when I turned around, Kayla had somehow melted into the room somewhere.  I was all alone, a blue shirt in a sea of black and tears.

People began asking me how I knew Carol, and I told them that I was Kayla's friend, there to support her.  One large woman, I still have no idea who she was, threw her arms around me and squeezed me so that my eyes bugged out.  "You're such a good man to be there for her!  I know she appreciates it, and Carol does, too!  I know it!"

Once I was able to slide away, I began searching in earnest for Kayla.  It was like a Where's Waldo at a funeral.  I asked a few of the younger people, around my age, if they had seen her, and one of them told me that they had seen her go into another parlor.

I walked across a hall, parted a curtain, and saw, under a piano, Kayla entangled with some other guy, his hand up her skirt, and his tongue, I'm pretty sure, in her esophagus.

Wow.  After that, I made it a point to seek out Kayla's mother, pay my respects, and then leave.  I never heard from Kayla after that, and so much the better for me.


  1. Way to slut up a funeral, Kayla...

  2. Seven-thirty5/20/2010 8:43 AM

    Well-known that grief is a tremendous aphrodisiac. But since Kayla wasn't so close to Aunt Carol she was probably supporting someone who was really torn up over her passing. Not one of Aunt Carol's many lovers, one hopes.

    Good score there, Jared.

  3. This is an AWESOME story. Not "Dude drives off on a motorcycle" awesome, but I really enjoyed this one. Way to handle it with grace and tact, OP.

  4. This is defintely one the most horrible dates imagineable :) makes for an awesome story. Poor kid.

  5. Wow, double used. Once to provide an emotional barrier/distraction from her family at this event, and additionally to arouse envy in her "I-can't-do-this-anymore-it's-just-wrong" dithering brother. You know how hard it is to sneak makeout sessions with a sibling when your dad already knows you're cheating on him?

  6. You ole meanie! Don't you know that everyone grieves differently, Jared? Poor Kayla, neither properly understood or supported... except sounds like she had a LITTLE localized support under the piano, anyway...

  7. OP should have checked the pulse of the guy she was making out with....

  8. Come on Fizziks, you know you cruise the funeral and wake scene hoping to meet some poor, lonely buffet in need of some comfort. :P

    Nice story OP, it takes serious balls to pull off powder blue at a funeral.

  9. It's more likely that the dude under the piano (btw: who the hell makes out with a guy under a piano?! A pool table, sure, but a piano?!) was her cousin than her brother, Fizziks, but I appreciate the "cheating on her dad" joke all the same.

  10. Way to tarnish my name, Jared.

  11. Family events are so the untapped meat market.

  12. Okay, 1:29 is the THIRD person to make this mistake, so I'm now compelled to point out the obvious:

    Jared did NOT write and submit this post. "Terry" did. If there is no "Submitted by" name after the title, THEN it's a story made up by Jared to make us all think he actually has better things to do than run this blog for our amusement.

    So, it's not *Jared* dating a girl who'll make out with someone under a piano at a funeral. It's not *Jared* being a meanie to the girl on the date (unless you count publishing someone else's story about this girl on the Internet as "being mean"). And it's not *Jared* tarnishing anyone's name.

    Please pay attention next time. Thank you.

  13. I am all of these people. And all of you.

  14. Seven-thirty5/20/2010 5:10 PM

    Has anyone read the press coverage of ABCofD? Is Jared interviewed? Does he reveal his identity?

    He is a damn good headline writer.

  15. very clever indeed

  16. Seven-thirty: An easy way to answer your questions is to read the press coverage yourself. Jared links to several articles about the blog in the left-hand sidebar.

    But spoiler alert: He DOES reveal himself.

    Jared is Batman.

  17. OH! Thanks Jared, I was wondering why my phantom balls itched.

  18. Haha...how much you want to bet that the guy with the tongue in her throat was a first cousin (dear, old Aunt Carol's only son) she'd secretly had the hots for since childhood? You, my friend, were her cover date. While you wandered around consoling/distracting the grieving family, Kayla felt free to choke on cousin Teddy's tongue. Well played, you saucy minx!


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