Written by Charlie:
Shauna was a paralegal and we worked in the same town. She was a friend of someone for whom I was a personal trainer. We agreed on a place to meet for an early dinner after work.
For an appetizer, we decided to split buffalo wings. They arrived and she went right in with her fingers, divvying them up, placing one on her plate, one on mine, and so forth. Sorry. Did you wash your hands? Then, she made a sound like, "Fffflaaassbbbsssshhmmaaaagrrraghh" and sucked the meat off the bones like a cartoon character.
Her mouth was all orange and messy. She wiped it with her arm. She went for her water, choked, and spat some out, on herself and on the table.
I told her that it wasn't a race, and she apologized and said that she'd slow down.
She didn't. She ate all of the celery without asking me if I wanted any. When our meals arrived, she took ginormous bites of her burger and followed them up with huge forkfuls of accompanying salad.
This in addition to occasional snorting noises made my appetite vanish. She pointed to the burger and fries on my plate and asked, "You going to finish that?"
Funny thing was, this girl was as thin as thin could be. She was very nice, but the idea of one day potentially kissing such a food intake valve... turn-off.
I asked her one more time to slow it down, and she did, but I felt bad about it. If this was how she ate, then this was how she ate. This was a first date and I didn't want to be too judgmental, but I found it impossible to be otherwise. I didn't even want to hug her. Maybe I was being too harsh.
She slurped up her water through a straw, inhaled it all the way to the bottom, hiccuped, and stifled a belch. Nah. Too much for me.
3/11/2010
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Dude, I think you missed out. Any girl who eats that way? Probably has other equally voracious appetites. If you're picking girls who daintily nibble at half a lettuce leaf and then announce they're done, don't be surprised if you're not getting any.
ReplyDeleteSeriously. Wuss.
ReplyDeleteOP, Do you know how I know that you are gay?
ReplyDeleteMaybe she's a binger-purger?
ReplyDeleteOr...this is another instance of a girl not liking her date and trying a ridiculously over-the-top method of making sure there's no second date.
"My stars! What a boor she was, even ignoring my repeated requests to slow her eating pace!"
ReplyDeleteWe've all sat across the table from sloppy eaters and the ill mannered - it's hardly a major character flaw. And how rude of you, telling her to slow down.
You definitely missed out... I think she could have been a real gem.
ReplyDeleteI really think you need to get over yourself.
I agree with Charlie, I think it is very impolite to go on 'any' date and eat as though you are seeing food for the first time. I find it as repulsive as going on a date with someone for a drink, and the other person drinks like a fish and gets wasted. For all of you people calling Charlie a puss or pansy, you are probably the type who actually go on dates and act as this girl did.
ReplyDeleteI gotta gree with 1:32, watching anyone eat like that would be a massive turnoff...Wiping sauce off of her face with her arm? I'd hate to see what she does with a runny nose...
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I couldn't see myself with someone who's eating habits resemble a warrior in the Golden Horde.
If you were having truffle wagyu, musk melon salads and sea urchin bruschetta, I might have been right there with you.
ReplyDelete...but they were buffalo wings, burgers and fries, dude.
She ate all the celery? Humfff, this is UNACCEPTABLE.
ReplyDeleteSorry Nomatophobia, I disagree on the grounds that this was a first date. Now, if they were dating for a while and she ate like this, then you already have a better sense of their quirks and such, so this may not be a huge surprise.
ReplyDeleteBut this was a first date, and a first date is a time to get to know one another and make that all important first impression. Well, the first impression she left on him was being a slob and a vacuum, and needless to say, he wasn't impressed.
Of course it's just wings and burgers and such, but you don't have to come off as a slovenly pig and hoover everything down with grunts and sauce everywhere. I'd be turned off and ready for the check.
Personal trainers, generally speaking, think too highly of themselves and I highly DOUBT that it this date and her eating habits were as dramatic as he made it seem.
ReplyDeleteTwatsicle!
^ Agreed. My last ex was best friends with a personal trainer. He was about as big of a self-righteous douche as this guy. Glad to hear this girl got away. She probably never called you again, did she?
ReplyDeleteBecause I met someone in your profession I didn't like, I'm glad that you failed because you are in the same profession! Remember, you can tell a book by its job!
ReplyDeleteIf I were on a date and I saw a dude eat like a goddamn farm animal, there's no way I'd call him back. Its disgusting watching people slurp and chomp and belch.
ReplyDeleteAm I gross in private? Yes. In a restaurant in front of someone I've just met? Not a chance.
Allow the guy to pick someone with an ounce of decorum, not just someone "with other voracious appetites". Jeez, were you all raised in a barn?
mooo?
ReplyDelete6:51 - THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteEveryone is gross in private - but the manners should come out in public. On a first date we don't eat like we're at the trough people!
It's appropriate to enjoy your food, not slurp it down with a shovel.
BUUUUUUUURRRPPPP!!!
ReplyDeleteAhhh, that feels much better.
Anyone want to have a farting contest?
I agree with the OP, this girl sounds disgusting... its one thing for people to have big appetites, and he wasn't even bothered that she was eating with her fingers, it was the fact that she was a slob about it...
ReplyDeleteI've known guys who are jerks about it, every now and than I will pick somehting off my plate with my fingers and pop it in my mouth, my ex-husband would get furious with me, sometimes to the point of yelling at me... THAT I think is overboard, this guy, not so much...
My theory is that she saw you, wasn't interested, and wanted to take the easy way out by making you disinterested.
ReplyDeleteIf I were in your shoes, I'd probably find it highly amusing.
wow. talk about hitting the jackpot. a skinny girl who can eat like a champ??? ill take her.
ReplyDelete^ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yThfdrdFL8
ReplyDeleteThat's just as gross as the girl who made out with her DOG and then expected a kiss from her date (see newest post). What is the matter with people today? Have we devolved to the point where covering ourselves in food and dog spit is perfectly cool? What's next, not showering?
ReplyDelete^There have already been several posts on here about super smelly dudes who don't shower.
ReplyDeleteThat's freaking gross. I can't believe people think it's too much to expect basic table manners on a first date.
ReplyDeleteThat's disgusting! Who the hell says 'epic'? Gross!
ReplyDeleteThe default seems to be that if a guy has any type of standards he's immediately labeled as 'gay'.
ReplyDeleteGiven that the girl is a paralegal it was not unreasonable to expect basic table manners.
another prissy little mama's boy. tell you what, wash this girl, and bring her to me. i want to watch her slurp and slobber on my goober like she pulled the meat off that wing. she is my kind of girl!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeletewow OP just how much of a prissy little bitch are you? i would be kinda psyched if i was with a girl who felt comfortable enough to just let it all hang out
ReplyDelete@Liz, your ex-husband would flip out when you used your fingers? I can see why he's an ex!
ReplyDeleteThere's a time and place. It's burgers and wings! It's supposed to be eaten with your fingers! It's like people who eat pizza or burgers with forks and knives. It irks me, but whatever. It's supposed to be messy, granted not so messy that the food falls apart and you can't enjoy it. In rare situations I've eaten a loaded pizza with assistance from a fork and knife.
It can be a bit off putting if someone is over-eager in their eating, but she may have been starving from long hours as a paralegal. Plus, skinny girls can have huge appetites and metabolism.
I would have given it another shot if the conversation was good and she wasn't just focusing on the food, but on me as well.
However, if she said "nom nom nom"...I would have married her.
Dude, you need to learn the rules about first date dinners. Never ride in a car together in case you need to escape fast, and no garlic and no buffalo wings. This is all your fault.
ReplyDelete