Soccer? I Don't Even Know Her!

Submitted by Hannah:

The worst date I ever had was in summer 2005.  Reggie invited me to his cousin's soccer game.  We'd probably do dinner afterward, maybe a movie, who knows?

Reggie's cousin was in this "Soccer Mozart" league or something that pushed kids into sports waaaay early.  I'm talking 2 years old.  That's how old Reggie's cousin was.  The field was full of 2-year-olds in red shirts and blue shirts, all bumping into each other, drooling, or crying.  They were allowed to use their hands, but it was a little sad to see all the parents getting frustrated with their little kid's inability to bring a ball into a large net at the end of the field.

"This is bullshit," Reggie said, turning to me, "These kids suck."

I informed him that it might have to do with their age.  He shook his head and said, "No.  When I was their age, I could've kicked a ball over those trees."

"So what happened?  Can't do it anymore?"

His response to this was to grab one of the balls on the field (there were several in play) and kick it high into the air.  It didn't go over a tree, but it was a strong kick, I'll give him that.

A woman in a referee's outfit came up to him.  She said, "These balls are for the children!  You're not two years old!  You're not two years old!"

This got Reggie mad.  He mimicked her, "You're not two years old!  You're not two years old!  Get a grip, grandma."

She said, "You're going to have to leave."

Reggie said, "Make me, grandma."

She replied, "We have security here to protect our kids.  Your behavior's putting them in danger and I'm going to call them right over here if you don't clear out."

In response, Reggie grabbed another soccer ball and kicked it.  This one also didn't go over a tree.  Two large men in white t-shirts approached.  Reggie took off, across the field, kicking every ball he could on his way.

The two security guys came towards me, but the referee woman said, "Not her!  Go after him!" which they did.  Reggie ran into the woods on the other side of the field.  He texted me about twenty minutes later, asking if I could pick him up from a road nearby.

I picked him up and he said he wanted to go back to watch his cousin play, but I advised him that it wasn't a smart idea.  He said that it was a free country and that he could do whatever he wanted.

Okay, so I drove him back to the field, where they had the kids lined up for drills.  The referee woman was running the show, but as soon as she saw Reggie, she blew her whistle and pointed at him.  Reggie took off again, but this time when he ran over the field, he jumped over the two makeshift lines of kids, and a few parents at the other side of the field tackled him.

Somehow he fought free and ran for the woods again.  The referee woman got in my face and warned me not to come back.  I said, "Yeah, because I'm the one acting like an asshole," and I left.

Reggie texted me again: "Bring me back to the field."

I texted him, "Can we do something else?"

He never replied.

July 27, 1986.


  1. Why the hell would you pick him up after the first time he ran away? That's the time when you forget him and leave to retain your innocence in the situation. The referee was right to ask you to leave because you brought him back to the field so it's kind of a 'guilty by association' thing. You weren't the one acting like an asshole but you enabled him to continue acting like a immature 6 year old.

  2. This is quite possibly the most glorious story I've read on here.

  3. I couldn't agree more with the previous comment. A Two year old would even understand THAT much about consequences.

  4. The "Can we do something else?" was too much for me. Really? *Really?*

  5. You still wanted to hang out with him after all of that?! Actually it's even funnier that in the end he ditched you. hahaha.

  6. last 3 lines are epic

  7. dear OP: please don't ever breed.

  8. you should have brought him back. eventually the cops would have tazed him and the story would have a great ending.

  9. Agreed. This is a glorious story. One of my new favorites.
    But yeah - don't understand why you were still willing to hang out with him. Well, I might. This guy is hilarious.

    "How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?"

  10. All I can hear in my head when I read this story is the guy doing the Howard Dean scream as he runs across the field.

  11. i bet that wasn't even his cousin...


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