3/30/2010

Gifts and Madmen

Submitted by Donna:

Ryan passed a little wrapped package across the table to me on what was our first and last date.  I was touched... how often does someone bring a gift to a first meeting?

I opened it.  It was a bar of soap and a toothbrush.  I stared at them for a few seconds and said, "Thanks... but I don't get it."

He was quick to help, "The soap is to clean with, and the toothbrush is to brush your teeth."

I said, "I know what they're used for.  Why are you giving them to me?"

He gave me a look as if to ask me how it was that I didn't understand, and said, "Hygiene."

I replied, "Okay... but again, why are you giving them to me?  It doesn't strike you as a weird sort of gift to give on a first date?"

He answered, "Everyone needs soap and a toothbrush.  It's practical and will help you out."

He seemed so pleased with himself, I didn't want to press the issue any further, so I didn't.  I thanked him again and put the personal hygiene equipment away.

Then, he said, "I'm going to bring you a magazine on our next date.  As a gift."

I asked him, "You really don't have to do that.  I don't typically read magazines."

"You could read it, though.  It's about fashion.  You little bitch."

My eyes must have opened like headlights.  "What?" I demanded, "What?!"

He sat back as if he hadn't said anything at all out of the ordinary and said nothing.  I prodded him again, "Care to repeat that?"

"A fashion magazine."

"After that!"

"I got you soap and a toothbrush," he grinned and nodded.

You know what I did, then?

I left.


***********************************
Maybe he was only trying to help you.
Or trying to tell you something.

21 comments:

  1. "You could read it, though. It's about fashion. You little bitch."
    Haha! Epic.

    Maybe he's just a jerk or maybe you should take a hint? I don't know why he would know about your potentially poor hygiene before he even met you though..

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  2. Some dudes are just weirdo assholes. Probably would have turned out to be a sociopath. Good job for leaving!

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  3. I thought the punchline to the soap and toothbrush was going to be this guy making the assumption that you would use them in the morning...at his place.

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  4. You loved the gifts. You little bitch.

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  5. Ha, now he has to find some other lady to bestow gifts from his deceased mother's nursing home, you tall drink of bitch!

    This date is awesome sauce.

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  6. "it puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again..."

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  7. Maybe someone stinks... I'M JUST SAYING!

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  8. @11:06- yeah but how would the crazy guy know that at a first meeting, and even if they had met earlier in person, why ask out a person you thought had poor hygiene, and lacked in fashion?

    creeeeeepy

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  9. "You could read it, though. It's about fashion. You little bitch."

    hilarious.

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  10. LMAO @ Fizziks and kewlpseudonym

    After the magazine gift he was going to give you some used gum, you know "for chewing" and after that a matching pair of ear muffs. Then he would take you to meet Mother and no one would ever hear from you again.

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  11. This is the creepiest date story on this entire blog. I've read them all, and can say that with complete conviction.

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  12. I really disagree. Some dude giving a girl soap and a toothbrush and calling her a little bitch IS creepy, but my God, we have read FAR creepier things on this blog.

    I still maintain that the poor bastard who was almost sacrificed as some part of a cult ceremony in a barn in the middle of nowhere wins for "creepiest date."

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  13. I would throw the soap and toothbrush in his face first, and then leave.

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  14. Sounds like a prank rather than a serious date.

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  15. Every time someone says that something sounds like a prank or a joke, I wonder how boring someone's life must be for this to be entertainment, and then I feel better about mine. Granted I am at work reading a random blog but...whatever.

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  16. I'm thinking you probably knew the guy in high school or something like that. You were probably smelly with bad breath a poor fashion sense. Also, you likely treated this guy badly, but you didn't recognize him since it's been so long since you've seen him.

    Pretty good play on his part.

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  17. If I was her, I would have right there and right then used that soap to wash that filth out of his mouth, then anally raped him with the toothbrush. then used the toothbrush to scrub the soap out of his mouth. then use the soap to well, erm, i am getting off track.

    but you get the idea.

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  18. @ Nikki I disagree, that would have been an awesome date!

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  19. I agree with Nikki. This date isn't all to creepy. We've seen way worse..

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  20. 6:15 has watched way too many teen comedies if it thinks that that is a plausible explanation for this scenario. Far more likely is the possibility that this guy is just feckin' weird. :P

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  21. Sounds like he needed to keep the gift for himself to clean out his filthy mouth... after getting punched of course.

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