3/14/2010

Could You Reuse it on Your Mouth?

Submitted by Maria:

I met Jim at a bar on New Year’s Eve.  We talked briefly, danced for half a song and took some pictures together after I emerged from something called the “Ice Cage,” a refrigerated room where one does vodka shots while wearing Russian military hats and coats.  Impressed with my handing of fermented beverages and how stylish I made Russian military attire appear, he asked me for my number.

I knew very little about Jim except that he lived in Connecticut and dealt with computers, but he showed some interest in me.  After a few email exchanges and brief phone calls he asked me out to dinner.  He picked me up from work in his BMW and we made small talk about our jobs as we approached the restaurant.  We went to a little Italian place and since he knew nothing about Italian food he asked me to order for him, which I did obligingly. 

As we ate our food over candlelight, wine and flowing conversation about graduate school, he abruptly changed gears and asked with a smirk that climbed up the side of his face, “I have a question for you, and you could choose to answer this or not.”  His look had a mischievous quality to it as he paused and finally asked, “How old were you when you lost your virginity?”

Choking on my wine, but luckily, not spewing it across the table into his face, I calmly put my wine glass down, folded my hands in my lap as I leaned into the table and whispered across to him, “I choose not to answer that.”  Then I smiled which he reciprocated.  

“Fair enough,” he said, “So then, let me ask you this…what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”  My mind reeled with confusion.  What the hell was this, a game of 20 freakish questions?  I racked my brain to come up with something because we were still working on our main course and I was afraid of what he’d ask next, but I honestly, couldn’t think of anything. 

I responded flatly, “Hmm, I don’t know… I'm coming up blank.  How about you?”

Jim proceeded to tell me about his college roommate, a homosexual boy from India.  So every night, after getting high or “fucked up” as he referred to it with friends, Jim would crawl into his dorm, take some electrical tape, and tape his own asshole shut.

At this point I don’t know what my facial expression was. My mouth was agape and I was so horrified that the table of gay boys next to us would hear about my date’s homophobic tendencies.  All I could do was put my hand up to his face and say, “Seriously… okay... enough.”

Jim laughed, took another bite of his pasta and a sip of his wine, and shared a final precious detail: "You know, I didn’t know what the fuck this guy would do to me when I was sleeping, I had to protect myself.   It sucked when I had to take a shit in the middle of the night because I’d had to rip the tape off, but I’ll tell you my ass was smooth as a baby.”

I never did discover if his ass was still smooth as a baby.

22 comments:

  1. The story would have been better if "duct tape" were used.

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  2. I hate that people like this still exist in the world. I would have walked out of dinner if my date said something like that.

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  3. He was being facetious obviously. A socially inept engineer takes you on a date and you're surprised he asked you questions and was awkward. Oh but at least he had a BMW. You both suck.

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  4. "I knew very little about Jim ... but he showed some interest in me." Learn to hide your desperation, Maria; be reassured that if you've got a job, you are already automatically at least in the top 50% of female desirability. This is typically boorish young male behavior, from the kind of guy who in third grade would torment you to show he liked you, so gird your loins and go on to the next. (P.S. that's a great title!)

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  5. I love this story and am proud to know that you, Maria, knew not to stick around. You go girl! I think you are awesome.

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  6. Wow! What a story. I loved how you told it too. You have a great knack for story telling.

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  7. Hilarious. At least the guy wasn't boring.

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  8. ^ The guy wasn't boring. She was.

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  9. Nice attempt at showing off your literary skills, too bad your creative faculties are insufficient as it seems you borrowed the content.

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  10. ^ says who? Don't make claims like that without backing them up. To me, she sounds like a huge priss but he was even worse.

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  11. Anon2:42 has it -- you both suck. And great knack for story telling? Yeah right, maybe if English isn't her first language. Then it's just "cute".

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  12. I bet she is one of those annoying people who stretches the word "mischievous" out into four syllables instead of three because she thinks that sounds sophisticated. At least that is how I imagined her voice as I read it. Barf. He is a creepy jerk but she will be unmarried at 50.

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  13. Oh whatever, haters. The guy was the bad date here, not Maria. So she doesn't want to reveal to a stranger when she lost her virginity or what the "craziest thing she ever did" was. Not everyone likes giving that kind of information out on the first date. She handled it well and got out of there without too much trouble.

    And I'm still waiting for 9:22 to offer us the stunning evidence that proves she plagiarized this story.

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  14. I shall play the devils advocate here to defend the poor man, yes he could have been more polite in his questions, but if he were afraid of rape he did a reasonable thing, well, nearly reasonable, it might have been better to wear boxer shorts or something unless you're a really heavy sleeper. The room mate may have given him reason to fear for his safety.

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  15. Honestly until the taping his asshole shut thing, which was still hilarious, I didn't think any of the other questions were that bad. And plus i mean he did admit it was a crazy thing to do.....did i mention its hilarious.

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  16. Pierre Molotov3/15/2010 3:51 PM

    The ice cage part was the best.

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  17. What I want to know is: who paid for the dinner? Hmmm. Also, it's saddening, judging by some of the comments in this thread, that one is apparently either a huge priss or a giant asshole creep (pun not actually intended).

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  18. "Pun not intended" = "Did you see I made a pun there?"

    It's obvious the guy was just fooling around, trying to make a gay joke. It wasn't a very good one, but he was trying. What I don't get is why that would be the craziest thing he's ever done? Surely he's not THAT boring. I mean, he's an engineer...

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  19. All I've got to say is: those of you who are siding with this creepy asshole, I don't know what standards you have but a conversation like that and questions like that are not normal for a first date. Would you seriously stick around for a second if you heard that on a date?? Red flags wouldn't go up in your head?

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  20. The guy's a creep.

    Though I always wonder why someone mentions what kind of car someone drove when it's not related to the story. Like BMWs. I love the car, hate the people, so I can never have one. Every douchebag with a BMW has a personalized plate like, "MYBMWR", "NTYRBMW", "GIFTBMW", or "IWINBMW". Ugh!

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    1. My favorite that I've seen was "WMBMW". I assume the owner's name was William?

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  21. i'm gay, and i used to do my (straight) college roomate in the butt while he slept. if only he had thought of the tape idea...

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