Now You'll Never Forget Her Name

Submitted by Matt:

In my junior year of university, I met Samantha in my linguistics class.  It took several weeks of building up courage to introduce myself to her, but when I finally asked her out, she not only eagerly accepted, but she confessed that she'd noticed me all semester long and had wanted to introduce herself! Ah, I felt romantic stirrings in this, and it was bittersweet to imagine this as a common scenario, and how frequent it was that two strangers smiling at each other from afar never even made it to the introduction.

We met the following day at a favorite coffeehouse of mine on campus on the busiest stretch of road.  I don't know if it's my high cheekbones or what, but I have this uncontrollable superpower to get anyone to open up to me 100%, often on a first outing. In getting to know each other, she confessed very early on that she had a debilitating addiction to crack.
I assumed she was joking, and couldn't help but laugh (if not a little nervously). She laughed, too, even while confessing the next piece of grim news: she had some very serious body issues (not to mention bulimia), and had been exercising for three hours a day while on the crack diet all semester long. She asked if I'd noticed how much thinner she'd gotten over the semester. "I, uh..." I changed the topic, and she allowed it. We managed to have a normal conversation... for about 10 minutes.

Soon enough, she was back to confessional mode quicker than I could say "Check, please." No, that's not fair of me. I was actually rather appreciative that she was being so open and upfront, not wanting to deceive me. That's truly a rare and coveted quality. And yet, the nature of the things she revealed was just too much!

She confessed that she'd been stressing out over finals. While assuring her that it's pretty normal to stress out over such things, her eyes widened and started to glisten. She'd not only been stressing out, but she'd been crying every single day and needed to drink herself to sleep because of the overwhelming emotions. As if giving herself the cue, she cried for a moment. She told me it had been this way for her for years, and that she was  an emotional wreck. This time, she was the only one laughing.

She seemed to sense that the date was going sour, so I suppose the timing was right to her to pull out her ace-in-the-hole. "Do you wanna see my tattoo?" Mind you, she was wearing shorts so short that I'm not entirely convinced that they weren't panties, and a low-cut shirt revealing much cleavage and midriff, so I could only imagine where this tattoo might have been hidden.
Before I could answer one way or another, she stood up from the table and hastily pulled down her shorts enough to reveal her mons pubis (thank you, Google).
In colorful cursive letters, she had a tattoo of her own name written right above her lady parts. Strangely, it was positioned upside-down for her reading convenience. Again, a reminder: we were right by the busiest road on campus, and there were pedestrians aplenty.

Well, I didn't wait around for the "I'm an exhibitionist" confession. I decided to bring things to a close, so we parted ways and never saw each other again. It's been years now, but I can't help but wonder about that tattoo.


  1. Seems like she had lots of issues. I think it's a shame that was the last you saw of her, the fact she opened up so quickly seems like she needed to tell someone, even if it was just platonic there is nothing wrong with lending an ear to someone who needs help.

    I went on a blind date with a girl some years ago, she had alot of problems, we never fucked but we became friends, it was a drainer but I supposed I felt sorry for her a bit.

  2. Sounds like my kind of girl.

  3. Sounds like a good opportunity for a "give a little crack, get a little crack" relationship.


  4. Anon 8:20; how many dates do you go on looking for a platonic relationship from crack addict/loser/freak?

  5. Maybe she took that David Allan Coe song "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" a little too much to heart.

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  7. I understand that nobody's perfect (I'm not without my own faults!), but holy crap! That was just too intense, even for this guy with an unusually high threshold for crazy. She needed to be going to therapy sessions, not going out on dates.

    I sincerely doubt I would have done her much good, especially at that age (young and foolish were we). I've been a shoulder to cry on more times than I can remember, and that's a position that folks with dependency issues don't much like to change, if you get my meaning. That is: It's easier to be pitied and coddled than it is to make serious changes to improve yourself.

    I don't mean to sound so cynical. Maybe she really did want help. Maybe I could have done her a lot of good. Maybe I'm the bad guy in this mishap. I don't know, but I do hope she's found peace for herself. I think, maybe... I should find her on Facebook.

  8. Yes Matt that's just what she needs. A pity date from a guy who feels sorry for her. Why that's the perfect start for a relationship.

  9. Ha, you misunderstand. I would contact her again to see if she's doing well. Nothing more, nothing less. I think often this site and its users make the mistake of forgetting that these are real people being lampooned here. However fubar they seem, we should make a reasonable effort to sympathize. Oh, but maybe I'm the loony one for thinking so. Maybe we SHOULD be making passive-aggressive anonymous jabs to strangers on the internet. My mistake.

  10. Matt sounds like he needs a date. Go for it Matt, damaged girls put out easier anyway!

  11. If I was making a reasonable effort to sympathize with people Matt, I wouldn't be on a website specificaly about terrible date stories. Do what you want, but I doubt reconnecting with that chick is gonna do anything good for her or you, except maybe expunge some of the guilt you feel over your first date with her.

    Honestly, if your post there was to denounce passive-aggressive jabs to people on the internet then you failed pretty spectacularly Matt. Have fun on your date with a crack-whore.

  12. I see your point. You don't submit pictures to PeopleOfWalmart.com and defend the wardrobe choices.

    But I hope y'all see my point, too. Anonymity doesn't absolve you of being a decent person, is all I'm saying. And guilt does not equal empathy. Yes, empathy. We've all done foolish things on dates for what seemed like good reasons to us at the time, I'm sure of it.

    I could submit a few from the girl's perspective of my own laughable missteps, and I might do just that. I didn't come here to ego trip.

  13. Matt, as a two-time story poster and a troll, I have to say that no one is for to offer pity and empathy towards the people mentioned in these stories. We read this blog every day for one reason only: good old fashioned Schadenfreude--we want to laugh at others' misery and awkwardness and misfortune. No one here is going to lie awake at night wondering whatever happened to that poor, crazy crackhead girl except you.

    If you've been reading this blog and its comments section for even a week, you really should have known better than to expect anything more than anonymous passive-aggression from us.

  14. Especially consider the fact that half these stories are likely fake, I'm never gonna feel bad for anyone ever on this site. I'm gonna sit home and laugh and then probably touch myself and cry myself to sleep because I'm lonely.


  15. That's fair enough. I do appreciate the discussion! And really, I was just shaking things up by offering a different point of view (and maybe pushing my social commentary a bit too hard). Ha, I'll stop raining on the parade now. Y'all make me laugh, so you must be doing something right. =P

  16. Sounds like an ex of mine almost... Bit pretentious and you sound like a prick but you probably knew that.

  17. The tattoo wasn't upside down if you were doing 69.


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