So someone found herself unable to resist contacting me via a particular dating website's chat function.
AlexBabe197: hi
Me: Hi!
AlexBabe197: wat u doin?*
*Interlude: English. Try it. Talk like an adult and you'll be treated like one. Talk like Hannah Montana and I'll shoot you.
Me: Well, I finished the fourth draft of my thesis and I have an audition to do voicework for a cartoon today.
AlexBabe197: lol u didnt do that
Me: Sure I did. I have ambition. Don't you?
AlexBabe197: yea lol
Me: Why are you LOL-ing? What was funny about what I just said?
AlexBabe197: lol*
*Interlude: Spell it out, shit-wit. An Internet abbreviation might be permissible once in a while, but you're supposed to be a girl trying to impress me. What sort of intellect do you have if most of your vocabulary is made up of three-letter epitaphs?
Me: Your profile said you were 26. How old are you, really? 13 or so?
AlexBabe197: lol 26 u?
Me: It's on my profile. Did you read it?
AlexBabe197: yea im checkin it
AlexBabe197: ur cute*
*Interlude: Okay. So she's dumb as a sack of cheddar, but she has good taste.
Me: Thank you. Where in the city do you live?
AlexBabe197: huh?*
*Interlude: Plans are made, and we meet up.
I approach the rather attractive Alexandra in front of Ollie's restaurant on Broadway. She's wearing a fuzzy blue coat and has a matching blue cap. Her burnt sienna hair is pulled back and her lips are full and awfully kissable.
"Hi Alexandra. It's nice to meet you."
She cocks her head. "Do I know you?"
"We arranged to meet here yesterday. Remember?"
"No."
Internal monologue kicks in: Gosh, she's as dumb as a box of nails, but look at those lips. Boxes of nails don't have lips like that.
"Well, I'm here. And you're here. To meet me, if I recall."
She stares, then her eyes light up. "You're the guy from the dating site!" she yells out loud enough for people in King of Prussia, PA to hear.
Some passerbys applaud. One shouts, "Woo, go dude from the dating site! Home run, baby!"
Alexandra grabs my wrist. "McDonald's?"
I say, "How about somewhere slightly more upscale? At least a Wendy's."
"Ooh! Okay."
"I'm kidding. How about an Indian or Thai place?"
She shudders. "I don't like ethnic stuff."
"Okay. Wendy's then?"
She nods super fast, and so I take her out to a date at Wendy's.
I pay the check ("No, no thank you is required, Alexandra, I–wait. You DIDN'T thank me. Oh yes. That's right."), and walk out onto the street.
"How did you enjoy it?"
"I don't like Wendy's."
"But you really seemed to want to go. And you seemed to enjoy your three burgers."
"I–"
"And two milkshakes."
She scratches her nose. "I decided three-quarters of the way through that I didn't like it anymore."
"Oh."
She shrugs. "I like McDonald's. I like their chicken there. And their hamburgers. Can we go to one now?"
"No."
"Oh."
The date ended shortly thereafter without much fanfare.
EPILOGUE:
AlexBabe197: hi
Me: Hi Alexandra.
AlexBabe197: i had a gud time wit u
With a memory like that you could have gone all '50 First Dates' on her.
ReplyDeleteOnly with rape, instead of teaching her things.
Me: I have this story about how I met a dumb girl on the Internet and acted like a dick the whole time. Should I tell people my story?
ReplyDeleteAlexBabe197: ya lol
Me: I will right after I finish this dissertation.
Maybe it's just me, but you come off as a self-righteous know-it-all douche who clearly thinks he's better than anyone who uses acronyms. How much of your life was wasted putting together a dramatic story for this website? Probably more than I'm wasting posting a comment on this stupid story. This style sounds similar to a story posted here not long ago... lol.
ReplyDeleteNaw, this was an EXCELLENT post. Clearly written, with "Wonder Years" style narration (haha). I've been on dates like that where in person communication is a waste but look out with the Text Messages, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut I also agree, -100 for not railing her.
I usually refrain from crying "fake", but something about this story strikes me as being so untrue.
ReplyDeleteI third and officially pass the motion that you must have a bad case of "teh gays" if you didn't nail the dumb chick who can eat her weight in fast food. Plus, why get all self-righteous about her not thanking you for buying what couldn't have amounted to more than $20 in "cuisine"?
ReplyDeleteexcellent, screw people who think dumb is cute. try to correct them, then make fun of them if you can't. Darwin would be amazed at what we have allowed ourselves to become. Thanks for the heartwarming story. Intelligence will overcome, but probably not on this site.
ReplyDeleteI get annoyed with how people type and text now too. You could honestly assume that they are much younger. I always caught myself correcting my ex's grammar, but I'm also a bitch. Also, her sudden memory loss would have pissed me off too. In conclusion, the guy is kind of a bragging douche.
ReplyDeleteThis never happened.
ReplyDeleteYes, it almost certainly didn't happen. However, it's clearly intended as satire and social commentary. Take it for what it is before calling "'shopped!" Your powers of perception aren't impressing anyone.
ReplyDelete"Satire and social commentary"? No, the writer is just trying to come off as superior by embellishing a half-assed date with a girl he thought was an idiot before he went out with her. What exactly did he think was going to happen, a discussion on the finer points of Voltaire? Oh, but she was cute and had killer lips, so it's okay.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if this guy has realized why he's still single. I'd say it's probably because he pity-dates girls he has already written off so he can then pump out self-indulgent stuff like this.
ReplyDeleteGranted, I'm not a fan of "txt speak" OR Wendy's. Or McDonald's really. But seriously dude, come on.
Is this a JMG special? I liked the "meat lips" date. Can I make a request for that one?
ReplyDeleteAlso - no one deserves special treatment for being stupid. Good show.
But seriously, I bet if you got her McDonald's, it would have been in the bag.
Two JMG stories in a week? Oh man, I hope he posts the rest.
ReplyDeleteSteeee-ven....put your penorz in my lub-lub...
ReplyDeleteThat story was really cliched and boring for being fictional.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of a girl I dated. Princess syndrome. Dating her was like being sucked into the Twilight zone (old twilight, not the sparkly vampire twilight).
ReplyDeleteShe was hot though...
We get it, you're super smart and cute and successful, and did we mention smart? I know YOU mentioned it a couple of times. If this girl exists she is completey stupid... and hungry apparently... But you are also a raging douchebag. And not the orange fake tan, Ed Hardy wearing, gel-faux-hawk, MMA wannabe kind of douchebag, but the far more insidious "I am so painfully insecure about my own shortcomings, I take every pitiful opportunity I can to tout my questionable attributes even though the end result is I am inevitably exposed for the desperate aspirant of any recognition no matter how trivial it might be" kind of douchebag. I would say I pity her more... but hey, at least SHE's hot...
ReplyDeleteYou should have tapped that. I mean, really, how hard could it have been? Though dude, three burgers and two milkshakes? That's impressive. Though, if she was still hungry after all that, think of how good the head would have been...
ReplyDeleteSo, JMG, tell us. How did your next date with AlexBabe go? Gotten any yet? and, what's it cost you so far? Because, I suspect that she isn't quite as dumb as you make her sound...
ReplyDeleteA. This didn't happen
ReplyDelete2. You didn't write a thesis (and even if you did, it sounds douchey to mention so quickly so someone).
3. Vocieover work for cartoons is geigh
d. Nobody cares that you know where different places in NY are.
5 Nobody applauded the "online date thing"
g.Please don't post again.
This probably *didn't* happen, but god I love all of the insecure meatbags that crawl out of the woodwork at the slightest whiff of pretension. "HURF DURF, U THINK UR SMARTER DEN US!"
ReplyDeleteYes, he does, and he's likely right. And your massive overreaction to perceived condescension shows that you think so, too.
F comes before G
ReplyDeleteHe may have posted this stuff to shame the "dumb girl", he may have noticed her dumb way of typing...but:
ReplyDelete1. she got lots of free food
2. she screamed "guy from the dating site" loud enough that made you look a bit strange to other people
3. you didn't get her
it would have been perfect if she got a McDonald's from you too. I'd say she's way smarter than she'll have you believe.
hey i hate bad spelling just as much as anyone, maybe more so, but i still would have hit that
ReplyDeleteHad to comment two years later. As long as I have lived in Manhattan, there has never been a Wendy's near the (closed) Ollie's on Broadway. Unless he's discussing the Ollie's on Broadway in Baraboo, WI.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, his date did write like a child. A dumb, illiterate child in need of after-school tutoring. Men will put up with a lot for pretty.
You sound arrogant
ReplyDeleteOP is writing a thesis--but he used epitaph incorrectly? In the words of Inigo Montoya, "I don't think it means what you think it means." Did you mean "acronym"? What a Juicy Douche.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not an acronym either, since you don’t pronounce it as a word (usually). Probably just “abbreviation” or “chatspeak”, or “initialism” if you must have a specific term.
Delete