But Madame Is My Mistress!

Submitted by Nicole:

Sam was an interesting character.  He would end all of his statements to me with "madame," or "my mistress."  At first it was endearing.  Then it became annoying.

I should have realized that there was going to be trouble even before dinner.  He offered to take my coat and pull out my chair.  I thanked him and told him that I could do those myself.  He said, "I must insist, my mistress," and took off my coat and pulled out my chair.

He reached across the table, breathed on my silverware, and wiped each one off with his napkin.  "Your silverware is cleansed, madame," he said, and smiled at me.

"Thanks," I replied.

He ordered a bottle of wine, insisted on pouring me some, and then asked me to "mirror his sips."  Is that something that's normally done?  He said that I shouldn't drink until he drank, and then, only drink as much as he did.  I hadn't heard of the practice before, and I can't say that I was really into trying it, and I told him so.

He said, "Suit yourself, madame."

When the waiter came by for our order, Sam ordered first, then turned to me.  "And for you, my mistress?"

The waiter turned to me, but Sam wasn't finished.  He said to the waiter, "Just so that you understand, she is not really my mistress.  This is merely a game we play," and then winked at me.

I ordered salmon and Sam cringed as the waiter took our menus.  "Fish hardly befits you, madame," he said.

I desperately wanted to ask him to stop ending each sentence with "madame" and "my mistress," but I kept my cool.

Towards the end of dinner, he asked, "Would you like dessert, my mistress?"

I said, "Your mistress would like the check, good sir."

He leaned in uncomfortably close and said, "Mistress doesn't pay the check.  Mistress never pays the check.  Mistress was always here.  Always will be."

He sat back in his seat, giving me an impish grin.  I was so creeped out by this guy, I had to call him on something.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

He said, "Language, mistress!  Such words do not befit–"

"And stop calling me 'mistress'!  Nicole will do."

Very calmly, he said, "If mistress continues to misbehave, then mistress will feel my wrath."

I stared at him, then stood up, said, "I'm going to go," and went.  A "sir" of his stature wouldn't leave a restaurant without paying a check, and so he remained there.

I received about fifty text messages from him before he figured out that "mistress" was done with him.


  1. Probably trying to impress you with old European ways. Seems too uptight for any regular present day woman.

  2. I hate it when I accidentally date 15th century noblemen.

  3. Woooooooooooow. It's so cute when nerds date.

  4. Doesn't sound like a nerd. Just sounds like a guy who's deep into BDSM and sub/dom fantasies. I'm surprised he got a date with someone who wasn't aware of his creeptitude.

  5. Once I called my girlfriend a "harlot" without knowing exactly what it was. She let me know that I just called her a whore. Oops!

    This dude should realize that when most people hear the word "mistress" these days they think "a stripper who banged Tiger Woods."

  6. I agree with Anon 3:16 - This guy was looking for his submissive. He wanted you to be the "perfect" meek and obedient lady while he played the part of the strong, controlling, male dominant. I can't believe you let this acting last throughout an entire dinner!

  7. It's my understanding that to call a woman "mistress" in a BDSM environment is to show deference to HER dominance over YOU, not the other way around. For all his "you're my mistress" language, his attempts to dominate her--telling her when and how much she could drink, what she should eat, etc.--were counter to that. What a weirdo. Maybe he was confusing his dates for the evening? One he met off a BDSM website and the other was some nice girl he planned on cheating on with his subservient whore?

  8. Lol @ 2:36

    I'm not certain what was up with this guy, but OP, you kept your cool and played it well.

  9. You're really patient. I would have hurled the contents of my water glass at him.

    PS: I'm in agreement with the BDSM guess. How come you didn't ask him sooner?

  10. I think the guy was a freak, and the fact that he couldn't seem to sort out the nuance that this was getting old, is the reddest of flags. It was a metaphor for how he views his role and woman's role in a relationship. Doesn't sound like a good glimpse of life with the guy.

  11. Nikki is right. If Someone is your Mistress, They are your Dominant. A good sub would never order before their Mistress, and wouldn't be in the position to make demands to "mirror sips". If the guy was into Dom / sub, he was either very new to it (first day without guidance, perhaps?), or was just plain looking to be punished severely. I think the guy was just an idiot.

  12. For just how long did you find this unbelievably bizarre behavior "endearing"? I would have been out the door long before he started breathing on my silverware.

  13. It does sound like he doesn't know which side of the slashy he prefers. Some of the stuff was trying to be toppy and other stuff was distinctly bottom behavior. Maybe he was a switch trying to feel her out for her preference. Maybe he was a moron. Hard to say.


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