Fire Is the Devil's Only Friend

Submitted by Jess:

My worst date had to be with Zack, the arsonist.  I didn't know he was an arsonist beforehand.  He didn't exactly mention it on his online profile.  But the boy was a certified fire starter.

He took me out to a hibachi grill, which was fun, and what's more is that he actually started out as a really cool guy.  We had some good conversations and a healthy amount of flirting.

After dinner he said that he wanted to take me to a secret spot that a fireman friend had shown him.  I told him that I wasn't too comfortable with the idea.  He said that it wouldn't take very long and that if I wanted to leave after we had arrived then we could.  Well, why not?  He was fun, and I was up for adventure.

He drove us out from the suburbs to a dead end street and parked at the end, by a treeline.  He said that we had to walk from there, but not too far.

Maybe about fifty feet off the road, he said, "There it is," and pointed to a house that I could barely see in the dark.  It was obviously abandoned, and was heavily overgrown.

Then he turned to me and kissed me, then pulled away and said, "Let's light it on fire!"

He ran for the house, but I thought he was just pulling a stunt or kidding around.  No.  From his jacket, he pulled out a large lighter and some other device that I didn't recognize and began holding it down, near some underbrush attached to the house.

"What are you doing?" I yelled, and he turned back and told me to shut up.  I told him that I wanted to go, but he ignored me.  He kept trying to light the house on fire, but the wind or his own ineptitude or my desperate prayers kept anything from catching.

After ten minutes I said, "It's cold, I'm not having fun, and I want to go now."

He shouted, "Fine!" and shoved his lighter and other thing back into his pockets.

He didn't say a word to me as he drove me home.  He dropped me off, I said, "Good night," and he drove away.  I wondered if he was on his way back to that old house.  Either way, I wasn't interested enough to find out, even after he called me over the next week to arrange another meet-up.  No thank you.


  1. "Let's light it on fire!"

    Best pickup line EVER.

  2. Subject should have been 'We Didn't Start a Fire'.

  3. Holy crap! I would have been on my cell phone with the police!

  4. I am a fire starter, wicked fire starter.

  5. Where's your sense of adventure?

  6. Check the local news, and if a fire IS started in that area, your part of the social contract requires you to report this to the fire department.

    Nice guy or not, he may cost many people their lives, livelihood, and homes.

    Plus, many male arsonists have been victims of pedophilia. And some victims of pedophilia can victimize others. This is NOT an ok guy.

    Fire IS kewl, but starting one is NOT!

  7. I agree. You should check the news and see if there have been any unexplained fires in your area. If he has the nerve to try to burn down a house on a date then he certainly have the nerve to do it all on his own. People could be killed, lives could be turned upside down. Just like it is your duty to report a robber, it's your duty to report an arsonist. You were at the scene of an attempted felony and did nothing. Grow a moral backbone. His behavior is serious and not just a silly date story.

  8. Actually I think it's rather sweet, in a way. I mean to say; I imagine that starting fires is an incredibally intimate and private act for him, so to bring you along is a great expression of how much he likes you.

    Granted it's on a par with inviting you to a warehouse to watch him bludgeon a man to death who attacked his sister, but still.

  9. Berty you crack me up!!! That wins for best comment. In all seriousness though the person who posted this story should be ashamed. This stoopid girl should be tossed into a dungeon for not reporting this guy. I hope he burns HER house down!

  10. He may be an arsonist but he could cause people to be killed by burning fire.


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