Dinner of the Dead

Submitted by Jenni:

Lucas was a friend of my Cousin Henry, and so he set us up.  We met at an Indian place.  He was handsome and very polite, so I liked him at once.

Once we sat down, he said, "There's something you should probably know about me."

I asked, "What?"

"I like having sex in cemeteries."

Again, I asked, "What?"

He said, "Not that we're going to do that tonight–"

"We're not!" I said, likely a bit louder than needed.

He shrugged.  "Well, full disclosure and all that.  It's one of my things."

Okaaaaaay.  Well, I try to be open minded, and it was more the idea of admitting such a thing so soon that bothered me, rather than the thing itself.  I even rationalized it in my head.  Was that the "worst" thing about him?  That wasn't so bad.

We began talking about other things.  After our dinners were served, he blurted in total seriousness, "I broke into a mausoleum to have sex once.  I think I really have a problem."

Okay.  THIS was too much.  I excused myself and called my cousin.  This had to be some sort of joke.  Over the phone, Henry said, "Well, I know that he likes having sex in cemeteries, but I didn't know about the mausoleum thing.  You should probably get the hell out of there."

I made it back to the table, kept things pleasant, and when we headed out, I told him that I had to wake up early the next day.  That was it.

When I woke up the next morning, there was a text message on my cell.  It was from Lucas.

It read, "I masturbated in a graveyard last night and thought of you."

It HAD to be a joke... but I wasn't about to go on a second date to find out.