9/18/2009

Cleanup in the Straw Hat Aisle

Submitted by DJB:

I met a guy online and, after talking on the phone a few times, we arrange to meet for a college football tailgating party. In his profile picture he looked very handsome and he was standing next to this beautiful motorcycle. He gets to my house to pick me up and he is driving an old Chrysler K car. He has apparently put on 50 pounds and lost most of his hair since his photo was taken.

Being the nice polite person I am, I decide to go through with the date, although I feel very deceived by his appearance. He says he is low on gas so we get in my car and drive to the appointed tailgate area. He drinks and eats voraciously, as if he hadn't seen food or beer in a week. He is wearing a stupid straw hat and I am already trying to distance myself from him.

As the game is beginning, he complains of feeling sick. We drive back to my house and he runs to the bathroom almost losing his hat on the way in. He comes out of the bathroom and tries to kiss me. I am totally turned off and I push him away. He tries again and I say wait.

I tell him while he was in the bathroom my friend called and I needed to go pick her immediately because she feels sick too. He says he "has to get going anyways." When he pulls away from my house in his Chrysler K car, I go into my bathroom only to discover just how sick he had been. I ended up cleaning up a mess that was worthy of a 250 pound toddler.

I learned three things from this date. 1) Always arrange to meet someone for coffee first before arranging a long date. 2) If dating on-line, ask someone how recent their picture is. 3) If your date is feeling sick, never bring them back to your house. This was surely a very crappy date but a lesson well learned.

4 comments:

  1. #1 thing for parents to teach their sons: how to eat politely! I once went out with someone who proceeded to prove how macho he was by pouring *tons* of sriracha sauce and chopped jalepenos in his Vietamese soup and wolfing it down so fast I thought I was watching a eating contest and looked around for the cameras.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I met a guy online and, after talking on the phone a few times, we arrange to meet for a college football tailgating party. In his profile picture he looked very handsome and he was standing next to this beautiful motorcycle."

    Because after all...that's what matters in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you're the sort of woman who would go to a tailgate party with a stranger on the first date, then you may as well give up now. you are doomed to a life of retarded frat boys, an unattractive husband, screaming children who, you will tell yourself, appear to love you, and an old age of quiet desperation.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, at least you learned something.

    I'm trying to picture a guy riding a motorcycle while wearing a straw hat.

    ReplyDelete

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