Queen of the Groundhogs

Story Sent in by Chase:

On our date, Gwen and I got into a fun conversation about our "superpowers." I told her I could sing the alphabet in nearly 30 languages. She told me that she could command rodents with the power of her mind. I laughed at that but she was dead serious. She offered to go to the zoo with me to prove it and so we went right after our lunch because I wanted to see her claimed powers in action.

We made it to the prairie dog exhibit. Prairie dogs are really cute and so I couldn't wait to see Gwen use her powers to make them roll around on their backs and tickle each other and whatever else adorable prairie dogs do best.

She put her index fingers to her head, closed her eyes, and whispered, "Obey... obey... obey!" repeatedly.

I'll admit, a few extra prairie dogs popped out of their holes and looked around but by and large there was no great wave of singing, dancing, acrobatic prairie dogs that I expected.

After a few minutes of nothing I asked Gwen, "Too much static in the air?"

She said, "Or just stupid prairie dogs, today. Come on. Let's go find some smart rats or something."

We left the prairie dogs to their own prairie dog devices, didn't find any rats, looked at some elephants and gazelles, and then parted ways. She later emailed me some articles about rodent mind control. They were both from her blog and I read them with little interest. We didn't go out again.


  1. I'm sure Gwen will find a friend like Ben.

  2. I'm glad the rodents have to be smart to succumb to her mind control.

  3. Hell, I can't even control my trouser snake sometimes...

    1. I know that's a euphemism for the male sex organ, but I just think Trouser Snakes should be a species of snake that wear trousers with just one leg. Then there'd be this huge debate whether or not they're in fact Skirt Snakes because there'd only be one hole. I'd like to live in such a world one day, but modern technology must catch up with the dream.

    2. On that note, why aren't belts known as trouser snakes?

    3. On another note, your belt holds up your pants, but your belt loops hold up your belt. Who's the real hero there?


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