Back Seat Driver

(Howdy! I'm at the Austin Film Festival this week. If any of y'all are down here, give me a shout! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Doris:

Melvin and I sat down together at a nice American restaurant for our first date. He took one look at the menu and said, "Whoa. Look at these prices. Tell you what: we go out to my car, I'll feed you in my back seat, and we call it a night?"

I declined his offer. He said, "Then the best I can offer is splitting a side of fries. That enough for you?"

It wasn't but I was okay with paying my share. When the waitress came over I ordered my dinner to go so that I could leave.

Melvin asked, "To go? What's the hurry?"

I said, "I just want to go home."

He asked, "Need a ride? Once we're done here and we're done in my back seat I can drive you."

"I drove here myself but thanks anyway."

My food came and I bid him goodnight.


  1. Golf clap for OP leaving the bad date early.

  2. First date rules: bring your own money; have your own transportation; keep your dignity.

  3. "Hiring a prostitute to too expensive... :-( I know! I'll arrange a dinner date with some random chick online, weasel out of actually buying dinner, and then have some backseat secks for FREE! BRILLIANT!"

    1. Maybe he can't get laid because his name is Melvin.

    2. at least is isn't Sheldon Plankton.

  4. I wonder if this was on a Friday and he was trying to tell her he'd pick her seat for her...

  5. Melvin needed to be given a melvin.You can't invite women to a sausage party in the back of your car if all you have to offer is a cocktail weenie.OP was not at all enticed by the offer and wanted a real meal that would satisfy her.Sausage party denied!

  6. Brain: If I keep saying 'back seat' she'll get the superliminal hint! And I won't have to pay for dinner!

    Mouth: No dinner! Back seat! Free sore throat! Free laundry detergent for dinner! BACK SEAT! SEX! BAAACCCCKKKK SSSEEAAATTTTT!!!!

  7. You, sir, are a special kind of dumb, and you give every Melvin on this planet a bad name. No good, Melvin. No good.

  8. "Whoa. Look at these prices. Tell you what: we go out to my car, I'll feed you in my back seat, and we call it a night?"

    If 'cock sandwich' is your idea of appropriate first date cuisine, you need to rethink your values (or actually get some). Also, don't go on dates if you can't afford it.

  9. Finally, someone with self-respect.

  10. Replies
    1. That's actually art. I could swear I've seen it at a gallery.

  11. Wow some women today. Not only did she think a half order of fries beneath her, she also opted out of backseat in a parking lot secks! I mean what a prude!


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